Pizza

If you're not reading this with a slice of pizza in your hand, well, frankly, we've underestimated our audience. Order a pizza right now. Even if you're at work. Make it a Ninja Turtles pizza, so your coworkers know you're cool (don't expect a free pie if the pizza guy's later than 30 minutes, there's no way that pizza's cooked). At the very least, leave the pineapple off the pizza, please. 

Pizza is the King of junk food. The official state food of Chicago is pizza. And make no mistake, pizza is a global phenomenon. We're offering pizza to Egyptian Pharaohs now. Sure, there's no evidence that anyone's actually doing that, but you can't tell us you wouldn't watch a stoner comedy where staff at the Pizza Hut discover Ramses II is a big Veggie Lovers guy.