The 8 Most Unintentionally Terrifying Christmas Costumes
Seeing as how there's a woefully narrow spectrum of socially acceptable Christmas costumes, most people don't dress up in silly costumes on Xmas. Think about it: you have Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, King Herod, She-Krampus, bale of manger hay, Mrs. King Herod, and that's it, really.
Nonetheless, costume companies are mercilessly pushing for the Halloweenization of Christmas, transmuting every possible aspect of the holiday into an accidentally frightening pile of terror garbage. Watch -- this time next year, you'll see "Bride of Frankincense" and "Sexy Myrrh" decking the halls of your neighborhood party-crapola emporium.
Nutcrackers From Hell
You may know The Nutcracker as a quintessential seasonal ballet about child endangerment and rat kings. But what you may not realize is that human-sized nutcrackers are absolutely terrifying. Tchaikovsky never warned us about this shit:
Damned souls roasting on an open fire ...
It makes sense when you think about it -- all nutcrackers are dead-eyed silent screamers. Would you build a six-foot-tall killer Zuni fetish doll? Of course not. Same principle applies here.
Fuck This Elf
An elf costume is not difficult to pull off. Wear a bunch of green. Boom. Don't accidentally decorate your outfit with question marks or mofos will mistake you for The Riddler. This isn't rocket science. With that in mind, we're unsure what saturnine compulsions drove somebody to make this shit:
The mask texture was molded from the designer's own nutsack.
Renaissance Faire hemorrhoid here sucks, sure, but if you take off his hat and tunic, you're two steps away from a movie-grade Kuato costume. We also imagine Ozzy Osbourne's dried apricot death mask makes for a challenging bikini top in the summer.
Oh Christmas Tree, Oh MY GOD
The perfect costume for the partygoer with no plans to sit ... or walk ... or anything.
Yes, Virginia, for the bargain price of 75 goddamn dollars, you too can look like an arts-and-crafts project from a sparsely populated North Atlantic archipelago where Christmas is celebrated by making your first-born child live in a vertical log from Samhain until the Winter Solstice.
Sexy Christmas Pudding
He won't go until he gets some
He won't go until he gets some
He won't go until he gets some
So call the police.
We've already discussed how sexy costumes are ending civilization, and Mr. Sexy Christmas Pudding or Cookie or Bunion or whatever is just speeding up doomsday. This is the only costume this season to come with a prearranged court date. We also heartily recommend against the combination of white sneakers and bare legs, unless you fancy spending the rest of December remaining perpetually 500 feet from a school zone.
Eyes Wide Shut, Xmas Edition
Sometimes you need an easy, seductive disguise for your annual Christmas orgy. These are not that:
It's like cartoons fucked humans then ate them.
You can choose from a wide variety of masks, ranging from Santa "I Can Stab You to Death With My Cheekbones" Claus to the pudding mask right out of Hellraiser Saves Christmas.
We were wrong! Bring back Mr. Sexy Christmas Pudding!
We'd also recommend the elf mask, because nothing spreads wintry cheer quite like gigantic anime eyes grafted on to sagging breasts.
Or we guess you can wear it on your face, if you're some kind of sicko.
Reindeer Masks for Serial Killers
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
Used to.
Think you need a blinking red nose to dress up as Rudolph this year? WRONG. To truly capture the wonderment of a flying reindeer, you must hide your face like you're A) robbing a Wawa, or B) abandoning your human form as a meat tribute to the Great Horned One. Either way, you're thematically obliged to drink your own urine.
And someone will end up biting someone's balls.
Santa Decapitates ... Himself?
What did Santa Claus do to piss off the Lannisters so much?
He definitely shouldn't have declared himself "King of the North."
Oh, right, it's only a head-shaped bag. Just to be clear, we're not saying that Mr. Claus has been murdered and replaced by an impostor with a weird Sleepy Hollow fixation. It's just that, if such a madman existed, this is exactly how he would signpost his crime.
Yuletide Pervert Suits
Ah, yes. It's American Horror Story: Murderbread House.
OK, we're just going to throw this out there: if you know someone who owns one of these and is not having hump parties scored to the Chipmunks' Christmas song in his or her garage, call the goddamn police right now because you'll be helping to clear up a ton of cold cases.
If the police come tomorrow, they'll also be able to solve your murder.
And remember: Santa doesn't simply see you when you're sleeping. No, he first has to jump some stranger in an alley and steal his fucking eyeballs.
And now you know how they make cranberry sauce.
For more festive terror from Adam, check out The 11 Most Unintentionally Creepy Christmas Ornaments and 10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams.
