The 4 Worst Ways You Could Possibly Spend Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day comes with a lot of pressure for couples. Society says we have to do something special, since our love is measured by how elaborate and expensive our romantic gestures are. Well, we have good news: No matter what you wind up doing this Valentine's Day -- even if it's nothing -- it could always be worse.
Fast Food Chains Are Offering Candlelit Dinners
If you forgot to make your dinner reservation at the fancy French place your lover's been talking about for the last two months with subtle winks and nudges, don't sweat it, McDonald's has your back:
They cancelled the Happy Meal sex toys after last year's fiasco.
Yes, the McDonald's in Southport, North Carolina, is holding its third annual Valentine's Day Candlelight Dinner, complete with table service and music specially selected by "Ron" (are we the only ones hoping this turns out to be the store manager coming out to your table, shirtless, while seductively playing a saxophone?). Your date will surely be too overcome by the atmosphere to notice that this is all happening within 10 feet of a huge plastic statue of a clown.
If you feel like a McDonald's date is for snooty pretentious types, you can always just head on over to Waffle House, where "devoted fans" can feast on their favorite Waffle House delicacy by candlelight and the sound of frying hash browns.
Dudes Are Taking Applications for V-Day Dates Via Craigslist
Are you a lady afraid of being alone on Valentine's Day? Are you frantically browsing the Internet for open girlfriend positions that are accepting applications? You're in luck -- Craigslist is full of dudes willing to consider you, if you meet their strict qualifications. Take these two fine fellows stopping by the Boston area tonight who want you to submit your resume:
Odds are Valentine's Day isn't the only VD these guy will share with you.
Yes, they're asking you to "apply" to be their spontaneous valentine. To qualify, you need to be a woman aged 19 to 24 who won't ask where the guys are from and "know who Zedd is" (we're assuming that's some kind of innuendo?).
Oh, and in true bro form, they repeatedly say they won't be like those shallow guys who expect you to eat a salad (they say they want a girl who enjoys "stuffing your face" and likes steak and beer), yet they do require a picture. Hey, they said they want a fun girl who eats tons of unhealthy stuff, not someone fat.
Prisons Are Offering "Love Behind Bars" Tours
All right, so this isn't what we were hoping (that is, it's not a tour where they let ladies come in and speed date with convicts). Still, the "Love Behind Bars" tour at the Wyoming Territorial Prison has to rank in the bottom five worst Valentine's Day date destinations in the known universe:
"Complimentary bottle of toilet wine for every couple."
There, you and your lover can partake of a romantic tour of the old prison, where historians tell of inmates who were incarcerated due to love ("And when he found out the baby wasn't his, he stabbed her 175 times, severing the ..."). You will also enjoy light "hors d'oeuvres and desserts," and maybe when you get home you can role play cavity searches together.
Zoos Are Offering "Adults Only" Animal Sex Tours
Maybe you and your significant other decide to try one of the dozens of zoo events for Valentine's Day -- hey, everyone loves animals. You could try the Minnesota Zoo's ninth annual Valentine's Day event, where visitors get a romantic dinner and a tour of various wild animals getting it on. No, really: "For $175 per couple, ticket holders not only will experience a romantic dinner but also will catch a glimpse of the private -- possibly romantic -- lives of a variety of exotic animals." What gets ladies hotter than watching a couple of screeching monkeys frantically boning on top of piles of their own feces?
"No, no ... let them watch. Let them learn."
We know what you're saying: "That sounds sexy as hell, but I don't live in Minnesota!" Don't worry -- you can do the same thing at the Detroit Zoo (they're serving booze at their shindig, and the chief life sciences officer warns that he gets "free and loose" with his animal sex lectures). Or maybe you'd prefer the same event in Calgary (their event is titled "Who's Your Daddy?"). Or Los Angeles, or Birmingham, or Albuquerque. This is a popular Valentine's Day pastime, is what we're saying.
Hey, if you're the fancy type and have the cash to travel, go to lovely Vienna and surprise your date with the Schoenbrunn Zoo's event, where you can hopefully see the ring-tailed lemur engage in its sensual mating routine ("The males rub their black and white tail with a strong smelling secretion from their scent glands and hold it under their opponent's nose. Who stinks the most is allowed to with the females"). Sign us up! After all, what the hell else is there to see in Vienna?
XJ would like to wish Happy Valentine's Day to his own valentine, Fenella. The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
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