6 Dumb Ways Companies Tried to Excuse Their Own Idiocy
Have you ever done something stupid and scrambled to make up an excuse? "I'm sorry, I was drunk," or, "I thought that was legal in this country," or, "Wait, this isn't a David Lynch movie?" Turns out, big companies do the same thing, only their excuses tend to be way worse because they can't all be drunk ... right?
A Political Blog Targets the Wrong Person, Issues Lame "Correction"
Conservative political blog Breitbart.com recently published an article decrying the president's newly announced nominee for attorney general of the United States, Loretta Lynch. According to Breitbart, Lynch had a previously unmentioned controversy: she was one of the lawyers who represented the Clinton family in the wake of the Whitewater scandal.
A scandal so boring, we fell asleep twice trying to think of a joke for it.
The reason it wasn't mentioned by any other news outlets? Because that lawyer was a completely different woman who just happened to also be named Loretta Lynch. Whoops. So Breitbart did the smart thing and retracted the article, then issued a quick apology to both women.
"We'd also like to apologize to Olivia Jessica Simpson for last week's 'NFL Murderer' story."
Just kidding! Of course they didn't do that, because it's a political blog and this is the Internet. Instead, they left the article exactly the same and issued a "correction" that simply stated that the entire thesis of the article (that Obama's attorney general nominee had a secret history of helping cover up political scandals) was totally not true. And they put it at the very bottom of the article, which, if you'll notice, is a handy way of admitting they're wrong while simultaneously not really doing anything about it. They eventually did take it down, but only after many chortles were had.
Urban Outfitters Sells Shitty Shirt, Pretends Everyone Is Stupid
Even if you weren't alive when it happened, you've probably at least heard references to Kent State and the disaster that happened there in 1970. Basically, the National Guard fired on some Vietnam protesters, killing four students and wounding nine others. It's the source of that iconic photograph of a girl screaming beside a dead protester.
This one.
Point is, it's still a huge sore spot in our nation's history. So what goes through your mind when you see this Urban Outfitters "vintage" sweatshirt that they recently put up for sale?
"Uh, maybe we should cancel the Penn State shirts for next month."
It's pretty obvious what they're going for, right? Well if you think that, you're apparently wrong. After receiving a ton of flak for selling the shirt (at $130, no less), Urban Outfitters released a statement on Twitter claiming it was all just an unfortunate coincidence. "It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970," they said. "The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray."
You'd need a pretty big truck to haul that much bullshit. Urban Outfitters apparently thinks that most of the Internet is completely dumb and that that's somehow a reasonable apology. They could have just been honest and said, "Hey, we made a stupid shirt that we thought you were all too stupid to get angry about, but you did and now we're going to pretend that you're stupid because we're stupid. Stupid." But what do we expect from a company that sent out an internal email encouraging employees to get racist for their Christmas party?
Walmart Says That It's Tracy Morgan's Fault That He Got Injured
Back in June, an overworked, sleepy trucker crashed into Tracy Morgan's limo bus, injuring him (and several others) and killing his friend and fellow comedian James McNair. The driver, Kevin Roper, had been driving for 13 and a half hours straight at the time of the crash and admitted to being drowsy. It's pretty clear-cut whose fault this was, right?
Not according to Walmart, Roper's employer. You see, Walmart's lawyers have claimed that none of this would have happened if Morgan and his friends had been wearing their seat belts. Their overworked driver, whose employer hadn't taken steps to ensure that he was properly rested and whose truck caused 100 percent of the accident, wasn't the primary cause of the injuries. Nope, that shit was all Morgan's fault.
"Remember, he did Cop Out."
Now, it sounds reasonable on the surface. You get injured less if you're wearing a seat belt. Duh. The problem is that Walmart is arguing that that means they're not liable at all for the crash. But let's keep in mind that the driver was going 65 mph in a massive truck while half-asleep. Seat belts are only going to help so much, Walmart. Not being hit by a truck is an even better way to prevent injury and death.
The Washington Redskins Try to Have Native American Friends, Choose Poorly
It's probably not news to anyone reading this that the NFL's Washington Redskins have a super offensive name. Yet it apparently continues to be a surprise to Redskins owner Dan Snyder. In his continuing attempts to show that he's not a bad guy and totally loves Native Americans, he invited Navajo Nation President Ben Shelly to watch a Redskins game with him, and Shelly accepted.
Tricking Native Americans into watching the Washington offense play
is the worst sneak attack on their people since diseased blankets.
That sounds nice, but the problem is Shelly is a lame duck president who was voted out back in August and will be replaced in January because, among other things, he keeps associating with Snyder and the Washington Redskins. That's not exactly good for the team's image, but hey, maybe it was an accident.
What wasn't an accident was the team suing the five Native American people who originally petitioned the government to rescind the team's trademarks earlier this year. Basically, the team's argument is that if the offensive trademarks hadn't been brought to the government's attention, no one would have noticed they were offensive. This is sometimes known as the "Giant Asshole" strategy.
Nevada Gun Ranges Apparently Just Have No Idea What Children Even Are
Real quick, let's go over some places that are mostly safe for kids: Chuck E. Cheese's, elementary schools, nana's house. Places that aren't safe for kids: a fucking gun range. That may seem obvious, but it apparently isn't if you're The Range 702, an indoor shooting range in Las Vegas that is totally fine with allowing children to try out some automatic weapons.
"If the Second Amendment isn't used by second grade we've failed as a country."
In fact, The Range 702 welcomes kids, saying that firing a full-auto weapon is often "an eye-opener" for the children. Keep in mind, this was mere days after a fatal accident at another nearby gun range, Bullets and Burgers, in Nevada. A 9-year-old girl lost control of an Uzi and accidentally shot her instructor in the head seconds after he switched the weapon to full-auto. And she was actually a year older than the range's minimum age.
Now, this information didn't come out because of some shady journalism thing where a reporter tried to trick someone into putting a foot in their mouth. The company's statement was in response to the fatal shooting. In fact, The Range 702 was the only range that even responded to requests for comment on the accident. One part of their statement rings true: yes, we imagine accidentally killing someone is indeed quite an eye-opener.
Famous(ly Racist) Rancher Finds the One Black Guy Who Will Say He's Not a Bigot
Remember Cliven Bundy, the big Nevada rancher who started out as a hero to conservatives when he stood up to the government after they told him to keep his livestock off federal land, but then got totally ditched after he said a lot of super-racist things about black people, like how they were better off as slaves?
"Come back! I'll say they should only pick on government lands!"
Maybe you don't, because it happened six months ago and that's an eternity in news controversies. But look out, he's back! Or he was, anyway. This fall, in the run-up to this year's midterm elections, Bundy teamed up with independent Nevada congressional candidate Kamau Bakari, who is apparently the only person (black or otherwise) in America willing to be seen in public with Bundy, even if it is for a lame publicity stunt. (Spoiler: Bakari lost, bad.)
In a campaign video featuring the two, they bumble through some logic hoops where Bundy is presented as a martyr on the altar of Free Speech, bled dry by the forces of Political Correctness. Or something. It's super silly. But the best part is that they challenge Eric Holder (who, if you're not aware, is also black) to come to Nevada and debate them ... or something? It's not really clear what they want him to do. Or why Bundy's in the video, for that matter. Point is, we apparently need more "brave white men" in America to say things like: black people "abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton."
So brave.
For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog and his book, The Book of Word Records, available now!
While we're on the topic, check out 4 Hilarious Leaked Memos Corporations Don't Want You to See.
