4 Sexual Aides That Were Clearly Designed By Maniacs
Humans have been doling out orgasms for hundreds of thousands of years, so you'd think we'd have that shit down pat by now. Yet every day, some sextrepreneur introduces a new gizmo that will supposedly reinvent fucking, because clearly that's a subject we haven't given enough thought to already. Although there's nothing wrong with using a toy to get your rocks off, every now and then, one pulses and throbs onto the market that is so inherently wrong on every level that its creator must be an alien trying to get our species to go extinct.
Or at least, that's how we rationalize the existence of some deeply unsexy new adult products, such as ...
The Glov: An Automatic Wearable Dildo for the Extremely Lazy
The independent career woman of today probably has no time for things like changing diapers, cooking sandwiches, or wanking by herself. That's why a man by the name of Steve Scrase has taken it upon himself to make female masturbation easier and more convenient with The Glov, a self-stimulation sex toy designed for chicks who are so lazy that they can't even be bothered to put the proper vowels at the end of words.
The Glov is, by all appearances, a completely normal hand garment:
If you're about to undergo a hardcore '80s dance-off, we mean.
Once equipped, however, shit starts getting real, as you are free to attach the unsightly dildo extension of your choosing:
Also a foolproof way of hailing a taxi cab.
Now, all you have to do is turn on the engine and let that pink xenomorph go to town on your lady bits. The idea behind this contraption (touted as the best sex toy innovation since mankind discovered the cucumber) is getting your jollies off simply by moving your fingers up and down with about as much exertion as it would take to shoo away a fly. Since your arm and wrist won't be busy with all the movement normally required, your arm can replicate the full experience of having an apathetic, unenthused lover lying on top of you, with the added bonus of looking like a vagina bandit.
The Glov also has buttons on its side for controlling the speed and strength of the vibration ... you know, if you can muster the strength to reach for them. Shockingly, this world-changing idea didn't even reach a quarter of its funding goal on Indiegogo, so now Steve Scrase must know how Van Gogh feltse.
SexFit: A Cock Ring With Wi-Fi
Don't worry, men: there are plenty of weird machines you can hook up to your genitals, too. Thanks to social media and our ever-growing infatuation with ourselves, it's become a common practice in today's society to overshare everything, from what we're eating to who we're banging. Therefore, it only seems natural that the next step is letting everyone know exactly how we're banging. That's where this Internet-ready penis accessory comes in:
Father's Day is only six months away. Just sayin'.
It's called SexFit, and yes, it's literally a cock ring with Wi-Fi, because that's where we are now as a society. If the makers of SexFit have their way, you will soon see all the intimate details of your friend's/neighbor's/coworker's/second cousin's sex lives popping up on social network feeds, including the amount of calories burned during fucking, the duration of the fuck session, and thrusts per minute. Just remember to restrict the visibility of your Facebook posts, lest you be forced to explain to your grandma what a "thrust rate" is.
This ridiculous fucking thing even includes smartphone integration, so theoretically, ladies could store your data in their phones and compare it to previous performances.
"Can you believe this chump expects to get in my pants again after only burning 50 calories last time?"
In addition to all of these horrifying features, this circle of hell also includes a customizable pulsating rhythm to guide you like a sex metronome, completely nullifying the need for communication with the person you're swapping bodily fluids with, and LED lights to let your partner know a party is happening, and that party is your dick. It's worth noting that if those studies about Wi-Fi reducing your sperm count are correct, then at least this thing serves as a stylish alternative to getting a vasectomy.
The Handie: Like Hulk Hands for Wanking
One company has a dream that will revolutionize the very way we think about the art of faptrimony; a world in which socks will no longer be jizz-encrusted and men will never have to look away from their porn of choice to re-lube. This may sound like the perfect fantasy ... until you lay your eyes on this fist of doom:
Just in case you ever wondered what it'd be like to get a handjob from Hellboy.
While it may be unimaginable that anyone could maintain an erection after looking at this thing (much less while in this thing), this overwrought hunk of silicone called "The Handie" does boast some impressive features, like the easily cleanable "catcher unit" that makes sure your tiny descendants don't stain your computer chair. If you seriously have a vendetta against your dick, you might also enjoy that warty protrusion on the end, which functions as a vibrator. Also, it's rumored that if you put this thing on one hand, The Glov on the other, and then smash your fists, wads of body fat come flying through the air and you turn into Ron Jeremy.
Rockit, the creative team involved (which may or may not be a front for Stark Industries), also claims that this fuck fist of fury has "the feel of inner flesh when lubricated." Curiously, they too sought funding through Indiegogo, where weird sex toy ideas apparently go to die.
We're starting to notice a pattern here.
They might have had better luck if this also came with the ability to self-destruct in the event of your untimely demise, because aside from a stack of dead bodies, we can't imagine much worse that your family could stumble upon in your belongings.
Scroguard: A Condom for Your Entire Scrotum
The Scroguard may sound like an obscure He-Man ally, but it's actually an essential product for your safety. See, getting jiggy with someone for the first time can be a daunting task in many ways, one of which is praying a condom will be enough to separate your junk from whatever unknown mysteries lie within the other person's underpants. But scarier still is the fact that even if you wear a condom, you can catch crotch critters or even herpes from the other person anyway ... which, according to Scroguard's bizarre infomercial, will cause your dick to explode.
Shockingly, the audio of the ad isn't just a tough guy voice saying "SCRO-GUARD!" every five seconds.
But fear not, that's what the Scroguard is for: it's a latex thong diaper with a hole, and it protects not only the oft-overlooked ball area, but the skin directly above your baloney pony, too. That is, if you're still able to get laid after your date sees you in this:
Can also double as a pelvic flower vase.
If you're a little confused about how this whole thing works, the nightmare-inducing commercial helpfully depicts two Sims about to get it on for demonstrative purposes, because no human beings would be caught dead filming a video for this.
"SCRO-GUARD! SCRO ... GUARD?"
The Scroguard can be worn incognito underneath your clothing until it's go time, creating that fart-incubating, humid crotch atmosphere that ladies love. And since nothing says romance like letting your date know that sleeping with them is one step above going full hazmat, don't forget the last vital step of putting on the actual condom. If that doesn't work out, there's always The Handie.
While we're on the topic, also check out 6 Futuristic Products for the Biggest Asshole at a Party and 14 'Luxury' Sex Toys for the Extremely Rich and Creepy.
