This Is What Happens When They Film Porn In Your House
We know what you're usually thinking about when you watch pornography, but have you ever wondered about those homes they're shot in? If they're not soundstages, then who allows strangers to have sex on their actual furniture? And how can you ever sit on that couch the same way again? To find out, we talked to Greg and Laura, who own a SoCal house which they rent to movie productions, most of which are porn. They told us ...
You Can Make Real Money Renting Out Your Home For Porn (If It Qualifies)
There's a name the movie industry came up with to describe a certain nook in Los Angeles County: Silicone Valley. At one time, this San Fernando neighborhood was where almost all American pornography was filmed, and though that's no longer quite the case (we now have infinite porn produced everywhere, thanks to webcams and the internet), it's still the adult entertainment industry's favorite shooting location. A decade ago, Greg and Laura had a house there. And they needed money.
It was 2009, the housing market had tanked, and the couple were hoping to rent out a suite from their McMansion deluxe. Airbnb was still years away, so Greg turned to Craigslist. "They were looking for houses to be used for 'movie and entertainment purposes,'" he says, and while that may sound kind of shady, it turned out to be a legit company. A legit porn company, which worked out fine, because their house was perfect for porn.
"We checked every box in a what-house-makes-the-best-porno list," says Laura. It was spacious. Lots of parking. Neutral colors. Clean. And it had a basement (a rarity in California), something porn directors apparently love. "They like pretending the house is in the Midwest," Greg would learn, which meant sprinkling fake snow outside the windows and having the muscular stepson or horny maid enter the scene climbing basement steps. The company had checked out a dozen houses before theirs, and this was definitely the one they wanted.
The first shoot came a week after the couple signed the papers. Then word spread. "The big companies called us out of the blue and asked," says Greg, "and soon we needed to keep our own calendar." Sometimes, porn is shot in places TV shows have used, and other times they sneakily shoot in rentals without permission. But when they find the perfect porn house, they stick to it. "I know they liked us," says Laura. "They come again and again!"
That last part, Laura claims, was not meant to be a pun.
Yes, Stuff Gets Dirty (But They're Careful About Body Fluids)
Laura and Greg are adamant that the majority of productions do a good job of scrubbing the place after the camera stops. But even once the cleaners have finished their routine of "Whoa, semen splash, eight o'clock! More towels here, stat!" you still know how icky the place got, and that's a burden you must live with.
"I don't know how many people have had sex on our couches," says Laura, so they toss slip covers on the furniture before every shoot. The crew cleans any stains that land on the covers, spending ten minutes on a single spill until absolutely no sign remains. Then when they're gone, Greg and Laura stow the covers away and sit on a couch that was hopefully doubly protected. As for the possibility of bodily fluids penetrating the covers, well, if it's out of sight, it's out of mind. "We don't use a black light," says Greg.
Crews can be a little less diligent about mopping other sorts of messes. "Semen they'll clean fast," says Greg. "Wine, not as urgent." And then one time, the couple thought everything had been swept up OK, but then some friends came over and their young son spotted something under the DVD shelf. "They have Muno toys!" he said. Muno is a character from the kids' show Yo Gabba Gabba!
Laura walked over, thinking maybe a pen or comb had fallen there. Then she looked closer. The boy was reaching for a discarded French tickler, a particularly advanced kind of ribbed condom:
She grabbed the monstrosity and tossed it in the trash, narrowly saving the boy from a lifetime of issues. Though then she had to explain what the mystery item was. "I said it was a dog toy," she recalls, "from when a dog came over." We guess that might have been the truth, depending on exactly what kind of porn it was used in.
Neighbors Can Be REALLY Against Having Porn Shot Near Them
Some folks aren't huge fans of adult entertainment, or at least of seeing gaffers juggling dildos during their morning jog. So though most people living near Greg and Laura are cool with the whole situation (some merely ask the crew to stay clear of their driveway), one neighbor declared war.
Let's call her Mrs. Lovejoy. Early on, she'd phone and whine. Then one day, there was a knock at the door, and it was the police. What did I do? wondered Laura. It was Mrs. Lovejoy's doing -- she'd dug up something from the city bylaws and called the cops, thinking she'd kick the pornographers out once and for all. Unfortunately for Mrs. Lovejoy, she didn't know the city code as well as she thought. Not as well as the porn companies, anyway. Or as well as Laura, who's a lawyer. The shoot was entirely legal, and the police left without taking any action.
A couple months later, another officer stopped by. Same story. A couple months after that, yet another came. A year after the first visit, officers were still knocking, and Laura would now open the door, see them, and think, Ugh. It's her again. Finally, one more police car arrived, and this time, it stopped at the Lovejoy house. They were there to tell her to stop with the baseless complaints. "It's filth!" she yelled at them as Greg watched from his lawn. "They're shooting filth in this neighborhood, and you're doing nothing about it!"
Yes, they'd do nothing about it. Today, Mrs. Lovejoy refuses to speak to Greg and Laura. When they tell film people about her, no one is surprised. Every one of them grins and says, "There's always one."
Lease Your Home For Porn, And It's Never Again Your Own
The couple set ground rules early on to preserve their home's sanctity in at least some small way. The crew could film on the ground floor, out back, or in the basement, but upstairs was off-limits. Greg and Laura took refuge up there during shoots, wanting to hover somewhat nearby so the crew wouldn't loot the whole place. They tried to get some stuff done on their computers and forget what was going on below. This was not easy.
"Hearing faint moans from downstairs can distract you," says Laura. "I never got used to it." Blaring saxophone riffs would have been a blessing, but the house got none, because porn music is not added until post-production. There was nothing but silence punctuated by sex noises. And Greg and Laura couldn't play any music of their own or make any loud sounds, lest they ruin a shot and some future viewer's orgasm.
In time, they learned to trust crews (so far, none have been thieves pulling off a nude heist), and they've taken to vacating the premises entirely until a text says it's safe to return. They can't come back early and open the front door, of course, unless they want to find themselves as extras in Sperminator: Genisex, so they schedule work shifts around shoots. And those shoots run long sometimes. A director may turn out to be a Terrence Malick type, and the cameras keep rolling 'til midnight.
"If they are shooting when I pull in, that sometimes means my driveway is blocked and I need to park outside until they've left," says Greg. "If they're filming outside, then that means I can't grill tonight or use the patio." That's a shame, because think of all the missed sausage puns.
Visitors Recognize Your House From Porn They've Watched
On the Fourth of July a few years ago, Laura and Greg invited friends over. Most guests offered the usual vague compliments you give when visiting a house. It really is a normal, nice house, if maybe a little more sterile than most -- the couple have never done much to decorate downstairs, keeping it a studio that crews can easily slip into. The only personal touches are a few photos of them, which the prop master considerately puts away before filming.
Two party guests, both guys, lingered in the living room, looking like they had deja vu. They finally took Greg aside and asked, "So, um, do you have movies shot here?" Yes, said Greg. "What kind?" they asked. Indies, said Greg (not a lie, some non-porn films shoot there too). One of the guys said, "Um, don't tell Laura we saw this, but we noticed that your house looks a lot like this Playboy movie."
Laura's secretary, who knew plenty about the shoots but less about discretion, happened to catch this last line. "Oh yeah!" she said. "Happens all the time." The two guys went red. They then apologized to Laura, for unclear reasons.
Another time, it was a pizza delivery guy, of all people, who made the connection. It was the night of the Office finale, and when they opened the door, the pizza guy did a double take and said, "I think I saw your house in a movie." Greg said that, yes, crews film there sometimes. "He smiled to himself," says Greg, "and when I paid, he said, 'I liked it in ...' and named this Penthouse movie. He knew. He knew."
And then he left. But we've seen enough films shot at Greg and Laura's to know how encounters like that truly end.
Evan V. Symon is a journalist and interview finder guy for the Personal Experiences section at Cracked. Have an awesome job or experience you'd like to see in an article? Then post us up here or here!
If you have had the idea to shoot your own, um, amateur films, we've got to recommend a waterproof camera, like this one from Nikon. Just in case.
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