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Nintendo wanted to pay the voice of Bayonetta $4000 total.

25 News Stories In Brief That Really Fueled Our Fires

October 29, 2022

Is this the end of this year's Alaskan snow crab season? It looks like it, as estimates show that roughly one billion crabs have disappeared, leading officials to investigate and cancel the season. This is a staggering ninety percent drop in their population in just two years. In other news, a pastor has been placed on administrative leave after giving out “I <3 Hot Youth Pastors” stickers. Cory Wall, 35-year-old man of God (allegedly), handed them out at his church with a note admitting he was poking fun at what he called the “I Love Hot Mom” culture. Which sounds 10000% credible. Finally, OnlyFans lawyers accidentally revealed which Meta execs allegedly took bribes to act in certain users' interests, by filing a court document that failed to redact names connected to the alleged global conspiracy inside Meta. Anyway, the allegation that this failure to redact was accidental sounds just as credible as the pastor's one.

25

Star Wars

A CA bakery entered a bread sculpture of a frozen Han Solo to a local scarecrow contest. CRACKED.COM The creation, dubbed Pan Solo, is One House Bak- ery's entry in Benicia's 15th annual Scarecrow Contest. The owners say they see people, like, smelling the sculpture and poking it. — UPI / YouTube

24

Wallaby encounters nearly spell disaster at Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix.

A wallaby hopped across the Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix track as vehicles approached. CRACKED.COM The small mammal suc- cessfully made it to the other side, calling to mind the old Australian joke: Why did the wallaby cross the racetrack? Oi ya right с- the other side. — UPI / Wikipedia

23

Influencer begging for donations after saying she 'accidentally' bought a $100,000 couch

An influencer accidentally bought a couch for $100k and is begging for donations. I Wessenger - ل TikTok CRACKED.COM The TikToker took to Tik- Tok to strum up sympathy in a tear-filled diatribe, but after commenters raised doubts about her story she produced a photo of a hole ridden and stained couch as proof. — Yahoo / Wikimedia

22

Witchcraft Event Canceled Last Minute In Newburgh Following Subject Matter Concerns

A good natured witchcraft event at a library was canceled because there is no fun allowed anymore. CRACKED.COM The Ritualists group said that, What's ironic is that the subject matter was about as inoffensive as it gets, and I was planning to begin by ex- pressing the importance of accepting a diverse mix of identities & belief systems. — Hudson Valley Post / Unsplash

21

Farmer offers £250 reward to catch pumpkin thief

A farmer is putting his money where his mouth is to catch a notorious pumpkin thief. GRACKED C COM Robert Morgan is offering £250 to anyone who knows where his missing pump- kins are after a pilferer took advantage of the free gourds made available to people affected by the cost of living crisis. — Metro / Pixabay

20

Vegan who failed to deal with mouse infestation and fed them instead is fined by court

A vegan is being fined for feeding a mouse infestation instead of getting rid of them. GRACKED.COM Margaret Manzoni, 73, considered the mice her pets and said they would not go to her neighbors because she looked after them. — Sky News / Wikipedia

19

Elon Musk sells $1 million worth of new perfume, 'Burnt Hair'.

Elon Musk sold $1 million worth of a perfume that smells like burnt hair. CRACKED.COM The foul smelling potion was quickly bought up by 10,000 Musk defenders that can only benefit from covering their own odor with the repugnant stench of a burning pelt. — Reuters / Wikipedia

18

VTuber Group Apologizes For Using Splatoon 3 to Stream Pornography

Vtubers apologized after using Splatoon 3 to stream pornography. endo EDX GRACKED.COM Vtuber Sinsogumi made porn appear by setting the ink transparency to zero, and then showing a porn video underneath, as part of a competition where whichever side got banned from YouTube first loses. — Kotaku / YouTube

17

McDonald's customer fined after visiting restaurant twice in 14 hours

A man was issued a parking ticket after visiting McDonald's twice in the space of 14 hours. M McDonald's M CRACKED.COM Leeds resident Ben Mulhall says he grabbed some McD's for dinner, and then his wife took the car to the same restaurant for break- fast. The ticket claims his vehicle sat there for 14 hours. — Manchester Evening News / Unsplash

16

Minks

Man has finally overcome the untamable mink, the wetland's own luxurious weasel. GRACKED.COM Joseph Carter, known ар- propriately as the Mink man, has done what no man be- fore him could do: tame the mink. The Mink Man wept, for there were no other worlds to conquer. — CNN / Wikipedia

15

Passenger banned from ferry tried to sneak on with wig and high-pitched accent

A passenger snuck onto a ferry he had been banned from using a disguise. CRACKED.COM The individual was wearing what was obvi- ously a wig, scarf, sun- glasses, and spoke in an odd high-pitched accent that was either Austra- lian or British. — Victoria Buzz / Unsplash

14

Man dubbed 'Edward Scissorhands' cuts trees during middle of night in Fort Worth neighborhood

A man dubbed 'Edward Scissorhands' is going around trimming trees in the middle of the night. CRACKED.COM Several neighbors have caught him on their home surveillance videos, nor- mally out around 3 am, where he gingerly prunes the trees - which may get the homeowners in trouble with their HOA. — CBS / Wikipedia

13

Alex Jones ordered to pay $965 million for Sandy Hook lies

Alex Jones was ordered to pay a record $965 million for the dangerous lies he spread about Sandy Hook. CRACKED.COM Jurors ordered conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to pay nearly $1 billion to Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting victims' relatives and an FBI agent for pro- moting the lie that the rampage was a hoax. — AP News / Wikipedia

12

Bayonetta

Bayonetta's original voice actress was offered a measly $4000 to voice the newest installment. CRACKED.COM Hellena Taylor shared that she is not return- ing to her iconic role due to the insulting offer, and is asking fans to boycott the upcoming release. — The Verge / YouTube

11

Iron Man Star Terrence Howard Claimed Robert Downey Jr Owes Him $100M,

Terrence Howard says Robert Downey Jr. owes him $100 million for not being brought back for Iron Man 2. CRACKED.COM Howard said, The con- tracts that we write and sign aren't worth the paper that they're printed on, sometimes. Maybe he used the special math he made up where 1x1=2 to get to that 100M figure. — Fandomwire / Wikipedia

10

Flamethrower used on teens trying to toilet paper home

A man brandished a flamethrower to stop kids from toilet papering a home. GRACKED.COM TPing your friend's house is a Homecoming tradition for this Wisconsin football team, but they were met with a very disgruntled resident who forced them to get to their knees. — WRAL / Wikipedia

9

Robot falls asleep while being quizzed by Lords

A robot fell asleep answering questions for the House of Lords Communications and Digital Committee. CRACKED.COM The humanoid robotic artist explained that, although she does not experience subjec- tive reality, she can still make art. She then had to be rebooted as her handler af- fixed a pair of sunglasses on her face. — BBC / Wikimedia

8

Florida Rental Car

A man in Florida returned a rental car with his granddaughter still locked in the back seat. CRACKED.COM The toddler was left in the back of the Hertz rental car, in an un- shaded airport parking lot, for 45 minutes be- fore Hertz employees found her. — WREG / Unsplash

7

China censors word "Beijing” after rare protest in city

China censored the word Beijing on social media. CRACKED.COM References to protests over the zero toler- ance policy on Covid have been scrubbed from sites, including the name of China's own capital. — The Standard / Wikipedia

6

Gretchen Whitmer

A juror was removed from a kidnapping case for eye-banging one of the defendants. CRACKED.COM Several people, including the judge, said they'd noticed the juror glancing and smil- ing at Paul Bellar, one of three men accused of assist- ing with an unsuccessful 2020 plot to kidnap Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer. — The Guardian / Unsplash

5

A YouTuber is trying to claim an expensive Team Fortress 2 weapon as a tax deduction

A YouTuber is trying to claim a Team Fortress 2 weapon as a tax deduction. CRACKED.COM Australian YouTuber el- maxo purchased an in-game weapon for near- ly $500, saying it was a business expense that he could claim as a tax de- duction this year. — Crickey / YouTube

4

Herschel Walker

Herschel Walker gave the biblical definition of a woman when asked to define what a woman is: a rib. CRACKED.COM Walker said he knows what a woman is, because it's in the Bible. Не went on to make anti-trans remarks, saying, There's man, and there's wo-man. That's it. There ain't another. — The Black Wall Street Times / Wikipedia

3

OnlyFans lawyers accidentally reveal which Meta execs allegedly took bribes

OnlyFans lawyers accidentally revealed which Meta executives took bribes to boost their users. CRACKED.COM OnlyFans' owner Fenix In- ternational Limited acci- dentally filed a court docu- ment that mistakenly failed to redact the names of Meta employees al- legedly connected to the global conspiracy. — Ars Technica / Unsplash

2

Pastor who gave kids ‘I <3 hot youth pastors’ stickers placed on leave

A pastor was put on administrative leave for giving kids I <3 Hot Youth Pastors stickers. CRACKED.COM 35-year-old groomer and man of God, Cory Wall, ad- mitted he handed them out in an email, claiming he was just trying to poke fun at what he called the I Love Hot Mom culture. — OnlySky / Unsplash

1

Alaska snow crab season canceled as officials investigate disappearance of an estimated 1 billion crabs

1 billion crabs disappeared and now the Alaskan crab season is canceled. CRACKED.COM An estimated one bil- lion crabs have myste- riously disappeared in two years, state offi- cials said. It marks a 90% drop in their pop- ulation. — CBS / Wikipedia

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