12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

Scientific research is expensive, these methods are not
12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

Concerns about safety in the NFL have only increased in recent years, with the league putting untold amounts of money into protecting its players. All of which could be avoided if theyd listen to the following list of ideas. All are minimally expensive to implement, even including my very reasonable consultancy fee.

More Penalties

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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Some might say that the officiating in the NFL is already overbearing. Im saying, lets dial it up to two, three times what it is now. Players should borderline have no idea what is even legal to do. That confusion will naturally slow the game down, and lead to less dangerous hits.

Make Players Pay for the Uniforms They Ruin

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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You dent a helmet? Rip a jersey? Guess what, thats coming out of your game check. This will lead to gentle, careful lowering of opposing players to the ground in order to keep their uniforms in pristine condition.

Tackling Isn’t Allowed

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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To be clear, Im not suggesting that tackling be replaced with anything else. Theyre just not allowed to do it. This achieves two of the leagues goals: safer play, and higher scoring games. Win-win.

Bigger Helmets

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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More bigger, more safer. Thats math, my guy. Try getting a head injury when youve got a bucket the size of a state fair pumpkin.

Put Peanut Butter in the Mouthguards

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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Theres a disturbing and unsafe trend of players not keeping their mouthguards in their mouth, letting them hang off their facemasks or chewing them, not protecting their pearly whites. Slather those crescents in delicious peanut butter, and theyll be looking forward to that little feast long before kickoff.

All the Players Have to Be Little

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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NFL players are massive, powerful men. This is a huge safety risk. What if, instead, they were tiny? Perhaps one to two feet tall? The force delivered would be much smaller. Plus, the cameramen can just zoom in, and no one will know the difference.

Generate the Results With A.I.

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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Were already ruining every other human joy with artificial intelligence. Why not ask it which team would win and never play the game at all? This would bring the injury rate to a beautiful, round, zero percent.

Make Games Five Minutes Long

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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Ill admit, simply not playing football doesnt seem like a great compromise. So I suggest the following: make the games five minutes long. This will greatly reduce the amount of injuries, because who will have the time?

Doctors on the Field

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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We already have referees on the field. Why not also throw a single, emergency medicine-trained doctor on there to run along with the ball? Prompt treatment is incredibly important, and it doesnt get any prompter than a doctor watching it happen from two yards downfield.

Cover the Field in Fine Down Feathers

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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Feathers are soft. It would be okay to fall on them, because of that. It would also look absolutely enchanting, feathers flying behind running backs like theyre a proud, powerful pegasus.

Cover Players in Bubble Wrap

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

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This makes so much sense Im surprised they havent already done it. If it can keep a vase safe cross-country, it can keep a human safe across the line of scrimmage.

Play the Other Football

12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

The worst option yet. Never mind.

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