10 Pairs of Famous Twins I Think We Can Admit Are At Least Mildly Freaky
Look, I’m a reasonably learned man, and I understand how twins happen. I can trace the path of cell division and what-not that ends up giving us two of the physically same person. Yet, on a metaphysical level, I feel like we’re all acting a lot more cool with it than we actually are. Mitosis be damned, identical twins reek of ancient black magic, and when two of them make eye contact with me at the same time, it feels like my soul is being stolen.
Here are 10 pairs of twins that I’d quicker exit an elevator containing than ask for an autograph…
The Property Brothers
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You’re telling me you happily live in a house sold to you by doppelgangers? Don’t come running to me when your child is replaced with a changeling that burns when it touches iron. You just know there’s a false wall in every house they sell, and they’re in there, feeling your energy with their palms.
Mark & Scott Kelly
Not to kick a man when he’s down after being passed over as a VP pick, but he’s a damn astronaut, so I doubt a comedy article on the internet is going to bother him when g-forces don’t. All I’m going to say is that sending twins into space seems ripe for secret experiments. They’re probably launching a covert satellite to allow the world’s twins to telepathically communicate more easily.
The Olsen Twins
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Look, I loved “you got it, dude!” as much as you did. Now, though, they seem to have possibly stopped aging entirely, and are making me wonder if when we thought they were six months old, they’d actually been around for six centuries. The blue eyes don’t help. Those things look like they’ve watched multiple empires fall.
The Winklevoss Twins
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It’s like a billionaire had a clone made to harvest organs from but couldn’t bring himself to gut it.
Benji & Joel Madden
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The existence of Good Charlotte implies that, in some other timeline, there is a thoroughly evil pair of Madden twins known as Bad Charlotte.
Robin & Brook Lopez
You can’t be seven feet tall and twins. Are you kidding me? That’s an unfeasible amount of flesh for one human to produce. If they were born in ancient times, people would have assumed one of them was meant to carry the sun, and the other, the moon.
Ronde & Tiki Barber
Another combination of physical power and duplication I don’t care for. Do you know how strong you have to be and how high of a pain tolerance you have to have to become an NFL player? You’re not supposed to make two of those. If they weren’t in the NFL, they’d be guarding the gates of some ancient ziggurat.
The Koch Twins
They may not be outwardly identical, but they do have a matching, pulsing ball of ichor where the human heart is supposed to be.
The Kray Twins
I mean, yeah. These guys were actually genuinely terrifying. At least the Kochs had the decorum to hide their butchery behind the closed doors of the American legislative process.
Romulus & Remus
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Twin or not, nobody should be sucking on a wolf titty. That’s just weird.
