Fashion Police: Different Countries’ Cop Uniforms, Reviewed

Maybe the simplest, and also the one I should probably talk about the least, lest we get into less visual thoughts. The color, cut and badge, though, are all solid. The whole thing is a little needlessly tactical, especially the utility belt that would have Batman huffing and puffing. I’m not sure the complete FPS inventory needs to hang off their hip, and we’ll leave that as a fashion critique.

Oh yes, the glorious mountie. I’m sure they have some more casual outfits, but I hope that they still stick with old red when possible, because it’s absolutely top-notch. Even without the horse, you’ve gotta love everything going on here — the color, the big boots, the famous hat you could level a wall hanging to. They kind of look like the world’s nerdiest superheroes, which I guess is what the idea of a cop sort of is?

I did them all a favor and left out the old-school hats, which we can all agree are extremely funny. Better hope those criminals don’t go through any doorways! Even still, I’m not sure these hats are exactly that much of a step up. I’d guess the checkering is for… visibility? Unfortunately, it’s, in my opinion, one of the world’s worst patterns. It just looks like part of their head is a PNG file. What are you guys, running security at the Reel Big Fish show?

Very similar to Britain, but they’ve clearly made an effort to make the hats a bit more casual. This didn’t work, because now they’re stuck with weird little cycling caps. The whole thing just gives extreme laser tag vibes. Or a cop that’s also qualified to judge beach volleyball.

I will say this, of all the cops on this list, they do look by far the most helpful. Unfortunately, that comes at the cost of a uniform that would only work in Japan. Try to wear one of these vests anywhere else and 14-year olds would verbally rip you to shreds until you were using it to wipe up the kind of tears you haven’t cried since grade school. 

I do like the yellow megaphone. I assume, being Japanese, they also have a bunch of cool little Badtz-Maru charms hanging off the end of them.

At first, these definitely seem pretty boring. All tan everything isn’t the most flattering or stylish of vibes. But then, you start to realize that the muted tan is in service of a crazy accessory game. The beret is obviously a classic bit of asymmetrical headwear. I must ask you, though, to absorb those belts. Are those things Gucci? Who makes their police boots, Christian Louboutin?

If you asked me to draw what I thought Russian cops look like, I would sheepishly push this across the table, only to find out I’d got it spot on. Turns out we owe a bunch of first-person shooters from the 1990s a whole lot more credit for wardrobe accuracy. This looks like a couple guys out of a remastered version of GoldenEye.

Again, I repeat: We’re judging fashion, not fascism. So, I regretfully must say that these North Korean police officers are absolutely, insanely dripped out. You could drop them into The Fifth Element with zero changes and they wouldn’t even make the IMDb goofs page. I’m not sure this makes sense, but it kind of seems like they’d be able to fly?

Leave it to Italy to get every single ounce of fashion out of a government-issued beret. Unbutton the shirt, add a chain and they could be running the door at a Bushwick nightclub by midnight. If they arrested you in cargo shorts, I feel like they’d bring you a nice slim chino in jail because they consider that basic humane treatment.

Now, does this ensure that the criminal will escape the briefest of chases, even before you consider the sandals? Yes. Try to imagine vaulting a chain-link fence in the bottom half of Wilma’s dress from The Flintstones. They, however, don’t seem to care all that much, and honestly, neither do I. It looks incredible, and worth every Fijian dollar of their astronomical laundry bills.