Ranking the Numbers One to Ten From One to Ten

Ooh, do I hate a 9. Both visually and functionally, it’s nothing but anxiety-inducing. The appearance is top-heavy and unstable, like if Richard Serra designed a number. In use, has anyone ever seen a 9 and not felt a deep guttural anger and urge for it to simply become a 10? A psychological war that has been weaponized against consumers in the form of .99 pricing that feeds the scourge of the penny for far too long. 9 is an agent of chaos and a creator of evil.

Had 9 not so thoroughly crapped the bed, 1 would have easily brought up the rear. It’s just a highly obnoxious number. The number of egotists and petulant children. It’s so little of something, yet for some reason seems to think it’s the king of numbers. “But without 1, no other numbers would exist,” the nerds cry, and I plug my ears. If all of mathematics worked in multiples of two, things would be mostly fine in my head, and neater.

I like the three. It’s just, fittingly enough, a bit of an odd man out. The number 3, the triangles it creates with their trademark sides and vertices, they’re all cool, but they don’t play well with others. Three of something feels like too much and too little at the same time. It’s like the friend that’s really fun, but you always have to apologize for.

I’m just not a big fan for myriad reasons. First, it can’t seem to pick a single way that it should be written or drawn, which is insecurity in the guise of flexibility. It’s also an unfulfilling number, as it feels like a lot of the time, with 4, you kind of wish you’d just round it out at 5.

I feel that this one may be controversial. This is the number that makes the entire metric system possible, after all. Too bad I learned American math, and there’s no love lost there. My problem is that, in the race with single digits, it just feels a little like a mess. It’s a bit unseemly and gluttonous in their company, to be honest. If we were talking 10 to 20? It would be on the podium for sure. But it’s in the wrong weight class here.

This is a number that’s got a serious rift between aesthetics and usefulness. Very form over function, in my opinion. It’s a fancy little number, perhaps too fancy in my opinion. It’s also the only number with an optional little accessory in the form of a crossbar. It’s got the casino connection going for it as well, and the connection to 21, which is an undeniable powerhouse. My problem comes to real-life application. In the flesh, it’s an absurdly annoying number, one that just seems to refuse to play nice with others. Like a beautiful dog with behavioral problems.

Visually, it’s interesting but a little unwieldy in my eyes. One too many corners and curves, like it’s trying just a bit too hard. Incredibly useful, though, and always a satisfying number of something to see. You could argue 10 should be above 5, but I think that 5 is the unsung hero that allows 10 to thrive.

There’s a reason the 8-ball is go-to cool imagery. As a simple design, the 8 was far ahead of its time. Easily divisible into multiple portions, easily divisible into two circles, it’s just an incredibly laid-back number. Just watch out for someone with two of them tattooed together — they’re probably extremely unchill.

Love a good 2. None of the big-headedness of one, yet a number of supreme confidence. Visually stunning, utilitarian with a bit of flair and room for customization. The number of true love, to boot. It makes even more perfect sense that it lines up with itself in this list, because it is zen in number form.

Six, to me, is really just an unbeatable number in so many ways. First of all, incredibly pleasing to the eye. It just looks so satisfied, and by extension, so satisfying. It’s got the connection to the devil, which rocks. It’s also a great number of something to have, five with one to spare. You may want to argue about its preferential placement compared to the similar number 9, but I’d argue that youvre being an asshole and purposefully obtuse. “If a 6 was upside down it would be a 9" — well, if my grandma had wheels, she’d be a bicycle.