15 Things With More Poop on Them Than A Toilet
There is poop, shit, dung and crap everywhere you go. We’re a filthy species of shitting animals, dragging our poorly-wiped asses everywhere, smearing our bedumped fingers over everything, sharing shit with one another constantly. Look around yourself right now: It’s almost a guarantee that every surface you can see has human shit on it.
You presumably can’t see it — if you can, Jesus Christ, stop reading and clean the human poop from your walls — and for the most part it’s in tiny enough quantities and concentrations that it’s not putting people at risk, but it’s still shit, and it’s still everywhere.
If someone offered you $20 to eat some food — let’s say a fried egg — off a toilet seat, you’d probably refuse, because it’s a toilet seat. But later that day you’d happily clean your teeth with your toothbrush, which has just as much poop on it, or enjoy a nice drink that has poop in it or sit in a shit-filled car to visit a dung-laden restaurant that might as well have pre-shitted seating. It’s everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. You might as well take that $20.
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The i in iPhone Stands for ‘Inside Your Butthole’
Smartphones? More like shartphones — that kick-ass device in your pocket is covered with, according to University of Arizona researchers, 10 times more poop bacteria than a toilet seat. Every time you text you might as well thumb a stranger’s rectum.
Putting the ‘TP’ into ‘TPS Reports’
If you regularly use communal office mugs, congratulations, you’re filling your body with the output of all your colleagues’ anuses. Clumsy-wiping co-workers, piles of used cups and half-assed cleaning add up to mean you’re literally being paid to eat shit.
Everything on TV Is Crap, You Know?
Staying in a hotel? Don’t touch the TV remote unless your favorite channel is someone else’s gastrointestinal one. Remotes house as much poop as an actual toilet. Every surface in a hotel room is splats aplenty, in fact. Lick nothing!
McDonald’s Is Full of McRobacteria
The touchscreens McDonald’s joyfully deploys to minimize human interaction and having to pay people are, obviously, basically laminated in doo-doo butter. A U.K. study swabbed screens from eight branches and found poop on every one. You want flies with that?
Swimming Pool? More Like Swimming Poo
While swimming pools are chlorinated to fight bacteria, it’s chlorine, not magic — it takes a while to kill germs, so there’s plenty of poo-poo particles floating around in the shallow end. According to the CDC, swim diapers don’t do shit.
Who Pooped the Bed? You Pooped the Bed!
Even when you don’t actively poop the bed, poop’s present. Your bedsheets are more like bedshits, to the extent that our beds have more doo-doo in them than chimpanzees’ beds. They play with poop for fun, the damned dirty apes!
Your Toothbrush Might as Well Have Anus-Hair Bristles
If your toothbrush resides in the same room as a toilet, which most do, twice a day you’re pressing human ordure into your gumline. The phenomena known as “toilet plume” blasts shit particles out of the crapper whenever you flush.
ATMs Are Ass Transmitter Machines
Next time you withdraw cash from an ATM, bear in mind it’s making a deposit of its own on your fingers: There’s brown in that green. The upside is that whenever you have diarrhea, you’re kind of making it rain.
Whistled for a Cab and When It Came Near / The License Plate Said ‘Fresh’ and It Was Full of Diarrhea
In 2011, New York Magazine swabbed the seats of NYC taxicabs and found that the industrial quantity of asses that had passed through them had left evidence of their presence — dung aplenty, as well as both vaginal and anal yeast.
On the Menu Today? Human Shit
In 2010, Good Morning America swabbed restaurant menus for bacteria and found that, yep, they were covered in dumps — more so than ketchup sachets and salt packets, which are also fingered by hundreds of diners.
In an Elevator? Might as Well Be Going Up Someone’s Poop-Chute
The buttons in elevators have potentially thousands of times more bacteria on them than a toilet seat, according to some studies. Hopefully there’s an ass-wiping class on the top floor or something.
They’re Called Ice Cubes, Not Nice Cubes (They Have Shit in Them)
A BBC investigation in Britain found poop bacteria in ice used by McDonald’s, KFC and Burger King — that’s a clown, a colonel and actual meat-based royalty shitting in your Sprite.
Best Watch These Clothes on the Shit Cycle
When you put dirty undies in the washing machine, some of the butthole bacteria lingers — only when you do a clothes-destroyingly hot wash or bleach the fuck out of everything is the drum of your washing machine a dookie-free zone.
That Lemon Wedge Contains Vitamin C (The C Is Short for Crap)
A 2007 study found 70 percent of lemon slices offered in bars and restaurants had at least a passing familiarity with poo-poo.
Dung Is in the Air
God fucking damn it, there’s shit in every breath. A 2011 paper in Applied and Environmental Biology found that, basically, whenever you inhale in an American town, you’re taking in teeny-weeny particles from some motherfucker’s bowel movements.
