12 Proud, Powerful, Ruthless Bits of Trivia That Each Have a Viable Claim to the Iron Throne
Some are ancient. Some are young upstarts. Some have joined forces, and others engaged in unforgivable acts of treachery. But all have a valid path to seizing ultimate power, whether by lineage, cunning or force. Al Capone’s human birthday present, the oldest known “yo mama” joke, the poop steak that could save the planet — they all have a fighting chance of emerging victorious from this brutal cognitive skirmish. And fight they will.
Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.
The Inventor of Pasteurized Grape Juice Was a Complicated Guy
Dr. Thomas Bramwell Welch was a hyper-religious prohibitionist who developed “Dr. Welch’s Unfermented Wine” so no one would get a buzz going in church. Lame. On the other hand, he was a staunch abolitionist who was active in the Underground Railroad as a teen.
The U.K.’s Animal Sentience Committee Will Decide the Most Humane Way to Kill a Lobster
After a convincing 2021 report that concluded that lobsters feel pain, an Animal Sentience Committee was established to make sure that invertebrates are given the same animal cruelty considerations as vertebrates. Going forward, Brits will most likely have to stun or freeze lobsters before boiling them.
A Jazz Musician Was Kidnapped as a Birthday Present for Al Capone
Fats Waller was once rushed by four men on the way out of a gig, thrown into a car and driven to another night club. There, he was forced at gunpoint to sit down at a piano, at which point he realized: He wasn’t being assassinated, he was the “surprise guest” at Capone’s birthday party. He allegedly partied with and played for his captors for three days, occasionally being allowed to sleep at his piano, and was tipped thousands of dollars upon his release.
Hooters’ Dumbass Pun Cost Them a Fortune
A Florida Hooters promised a free Toyota to the employee who sold the most booze in a month. Jodee Berry, the waitress who busted her ass to win the contest, was understandably pissed when she was cheekily given a toy Yoda doll. She sued them for breach of contract, and won enough money to “pick out whatever type of Toyota she wants,” according to her lawyer.
Fidel Castro Fucked His Way Out of an Assassination
The CIA hired one of Castro’s exes, giving her poison to spike his drink with. He figured out the ruse, handed her his gun and challenged her to kill him. She says, “He kind of smiled and chewed on his cigar. I felt deflated. He was so sure of me. He just grabbed me. We made love.”
The 3,500-Year-Old, Tragically Incomplete ‘Yo Mama’ Joke
A few zingers were found carved into a tablet belonging to an ancient Babylonian student. Among them was this joke — the punchline was lost, but it was a clear dunk on someone’s mom: “...of your mother is by the one who has intercourse with her. What/who is it?
(No answer)”
NASA Interns Stole Moon Dirt, Had Sex on It, Then Sold It
In 2002, former intern Thad Roberts recruited two fellow interns to help him steal a safe full of specimens retrieved during the Apollo missions. He and one of his accomplices spread out the dirt and rocks on a bed, had sex on top of them, and then tried to sell them to a Belgian rock collector (who notified the FBI, and helped them pull off a sting operation).
Nebraskans Fight Christmas Tree Theft With Fox Piss
A Nebraska arboretum owner sprays his trees with a mixture of fox urine, glycerin, water and dye, just after Thanksgiving. When frozen, it has no odor, but once a thief gets it inside their house, it fills every room with the festive scent of fox urine.
Poop Steak May Save the World
In an effort to turn a glut of human waste into an edible byproduct, scientists have managed to synthesize an edible meat product in a lab using proteins extracted from sewage. It’s said to taste like beef.
Guinness Recognizes Several ‘Oldest Married Couple’ Records
The Longest Marriage record is held by Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher, who were married for 86 years and 290 days when Herbert passed away. Waldramina Maclovia Quinteros Reyes and Julio Cesar Mora Tapia hold the record for Oldest Married Couple (Aggregate Age) at 215 years. Doreen Luckie and George Kirby married at the combined age of 194, giving them the Oldest Couple to Marry (Aggregate Age) record.
Jeffrey Katzenberg Tried to Quibi-fy the ‘Breaking Bad’ Finale
Before he launched the laughably bite-sized media outlet Quibi, Katzenberg tried to bribe Breaking Bad’s producers to the tune of $75 million to make a three-episode epilogue. The whole thing would be broken out into five-minute chunks and released for a dollar a pop, once a day, like a kidnapper sending fingers to a hostage’s family. He said, “I was convinced there were 10 million people who would have paid a dollar a day for 30 days to do this. Someday, somebody’s going to do this. And 500 million people are going to watch it, and it’ll be the biggest box office score of all time!”
David Letterman Pulled a George Costanza
In 1999, Letterman set up a yearly scholarship to Ball State’s Telecommunications Department for “average students.” The scholarship notes that “GRADES ARE NOT to be a criterion or condition for eligibility, evaluation or consideration.” Two years earlier, George Costanza had awarded the The Susan Ross Foundation’s scholarship to a middling underachiever who reminded him of himself. Coincidence?
