15 Things You Didn't Know Could Poison You
It’s not paranoia if everything wants to kill you. And it turns out, quite a lot does. There are loads of everyday foods that contain deadly poisons if you eat too much, or eat the wrong bit, or eat them at the wrong time. It’s a miracle any of us are alive at all — everything wants us dead, all of us, every one of us. Everything is deadly, everything is savage, the world itself is trying to devour us from the inside out. Existence is pain!
Alright, that might sound slightly dramatic, but how else is one meant to react to the news that cashews can kill you, that tomatoes can cause paralysis? Nobody wants to be paralyzed by anything, but being paralyzed by a tomato has to be a real kick in the nuts. You would 100 percent lie to people if that happened to you, and tell them it happened when you were foiling a bank robbery or saving a baby falling down some stair in a pram, rather than enjoying a pleasant salad.
Everything’s out to get you. Wash your hands and never go anywhere!
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Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Tomatoes are delicious, but their leaves contain glycoalkaloids, which can cause vomiting, diarrhea, and in severe cases, paralysis. Luckily, they taste fucking disgusting so you won’t eat them on accident.
They’re Coming to Get You: Rhubarbara
Rhubarb leaves’ll fuck you up. They contain oxalic acid, which can lead to kidney failure or even death. You’d have to go absolutely hog-wild on the stuff though.
One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Death Potato
When potatoes go green, they produce a chemical called solanine, which can lead to vomiting, diarrhea and general abdominal awfulness. While green on a traffic light means go, on a potato it means stop, motherfucker.
Not Cherry Nice
Cherry pits contain cyanide, proof that we can’t have nice things.
Elderberries? More Like Hellderberries
Surely there’s no more wholesome-sounding fruit than the elderberry. However, the seeds, stems, leaves and roots are toxic — what a crappy-sounding way to die that would be, elderberry stem poisoning. Absolutely pathetic. Nobody at the funeral.
Castor Oil? More Like Bastard Oil
Castor oil can help keep you regular, but the castor bean plant, which it’s made from, can help keep you fuckin’ dead — it’s laden with ricin, which as we all remember from Breaking Bad, is terrible stuff.
Honey: You’ll Soon ‘Bee’ Dead
Honey is a miraculous food — it can last forever. However, it can make you do exactly the opposite. It sometimes contains pyrrolizidine alkaloids, which, unless the honey is pasteurized, can cause headaches, dizziness, weakness and vomiting.
Bean Nice Knowing You
Raw kidney beans contain the bamboozlingly-named lectin phytohaemagglutinin — it’s apt that the word sounds a bit like vomiting, as that’s what it can make you do. Also, poop sloppy diarrhea all in your underpants.
From PSL to RIP
A sprinkling of nutmeg is what elevates a pumpkin spice latte, but eat several spoonfuls straight from the jar — as literally only a maniac would do — and you’re in trouble. It contains myristicin, which can cause hallucinations and nausea.
Nuts of Death
Wanna burn your skin while shitting your fuckin’ guts out? Cashew shells can cause that due to containing urushiol. Cashews are treated before we get them, so they’re safe, but still. Nuts.
The Rubbery Aniseed Flavor of Night
The only people wandering around eating industrial quantities of black licorice are deep weirdos, but they could be in trouble — it contains a compound called glycyrrhizin, which in high enough quantities can cause a person’s potassium levels to drop dangerously.
The Flower of Doom Is Upon Us
Daffodils are beautiful, but every part of them is toxic. That’s not nice, is it? Kinda thing that makes you think, “Ah yes, there is no god, and we live in a cruel and uncaring world.”
Rice: Not Nice
You can’t spell “arsenic” without all the letters of “rice,” and appropriately enough, rice contains tons of the stuff. It’s taken out by various processes before we eat it, but it’s still, like, is the world trying to murder us?
Starfruit: As Dangerous As the Ninja-Throwing Version
Starfruit is a beautiful-looking, delicious thing, which if you’re already ill can completely finish you off. It contains caramboxin, which has severe neurological effects on people with kidney disease — causing seizures, even death. Hideous!
An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away (the Doctor Doesn’t See Corpses)
Apple seeds contain amygdalin, which when digested, releases cyanide into the body. You’d have to eat an insane amount of apple seeds to die from it, and it would hurt like hell when you shit, but yeah. Cyanide. Terrifying.
