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27 Toys From Our Youth That Wouldn’t Fly Today

October 27, 2023

Ah, the good ol’ days. Back when Toys ‘R’ Us vaguely resembled an army surplus store. You ducked and dodged metal projectiles while chucking neon-colored war toys into your mother’s cart. Like, her actual shopping cart. Not a drag-and-drop situation. Simpler times. Looking back, it’s safe to say that the toys today definitely learned what not to do from the toys of yesteryear.

27

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source

26

THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http://www.collector-actionfigures com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/ — Source

25

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really — Source

24

KRIMSON TERROR the EDIDUERG line CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch. — Source

23

POKE-A-BONE Poke-A-Bone WHAM-O mest TM CAN YOU DO IT? Try'n catch ALL THE BONES CRACKED.COM STOCK No TDE A FUN - SKILL MAMEI The FCC fined Howard Stern for less than this. — Source

22

Product Recalls Sky Dancers In 2000, Galoob Toys Inc. recalled 8.9 million Sky Dancers flying dolls due to reports of 150 injuries, including eye injuries, broken teeth, a mild concussion, a broken rib, and facial lacerations. CRACKED — Source

21

Product Recalls Midge doll In 2002, Walmart stopped selling the Mattel Happy Family set, which had a pregnant Midge doll wearing a it's a girl! pink skirt and a removable stomach with a baby inside. Mom loves newbo baby ppy famile Mom & Baby CRACKED — Source

20

DC Comics

CRACKED ATI A series of DC figures known as Anti-Heroes NNF was pitched with Mad Max-esque and robotic versions of Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman, all of whom looked like they belonged in a Berlin sex dungeon. Superman had a tattoo. BUT HOW? — Source

19

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source

18

1. REMOVE THE PLUG FROM BATMAN'S BUTT. 2. FILL WITH WATER. 3. PUMP HIS TRIGGER. 4. SQUIRT YOUR FRIENDS! GRAGKED.COM http://herocomplex latimes com/uncafegonzed/ top-10-vintage-batman-toys-far-your-inner-boy-wonder/ — Source

17

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I JANES Binks JUI ART adidas COMM I PISODE WARS STAR dom I ORIGINAL We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM — Source

16

Breaking Bad

PARENTS RECENTLY PETITIONED TOYS R US TO PULL THE BREAKING BAD ACTION FIGURES FROM THEIR SHELVES. WARNING: Ages CHOKING HAZARD The Walter White 15+ MY didas figure comes with a 35 gun, a bag of cash, and Br eaking 56 a baggie full of meth*. Bad TOY FAIR NY 14 EXCLUSIVE Not actual meth. an actual gun or actual cash Walter White Collection Figure Toys R Us no longer sells them. CRACKED.COM — Source

15

SINKING OF THE TITANIC GAME The sinking of the TITANIC game TITANIC CRACKED.COM IDEAL The game you play as the ship goes down... then face the perli of the open sea! ADES MONICA REQUIRED The sounds of people drowning are something that I can not describe to you... it's the most dreadful sound. -Eva Hart, Titanic survivor — Source

14

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB PERFORME DMIN 150 - بهد - - - - - - . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - available - - - - Epecting! Safe! - GILBERT VALL DE SCIENCE .... CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPIER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did. — Source

13

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog. — Source

12

CHEST WIG THE FOR THAT MACHO SELF ADHESIVE LOOK! CHEST WIG CRACKED.COM MADE IN ENGLAND Stick that thatch anywhere you want to jumpstart puberty. — Source

11

LUSCIOUS LIMBS Luscious Limbs Foad on FINES - with delicious parta of the Avely KAY A LIVELY LUNCH OF LIMITS Noorkieg! your rising with water mold and اليوم CRACKED.COM - Ever wanted to gnaw off your own foot? Now you can! — Source

10

PINKY LEE MEDICINE CHEST BAND-AD - - IVORY. Pinky Lee TOY medicine CHORAGNED.COM THE GOOD HABIT TOY Learn Pinky Lee's secret shames, then refill all the good prescriptions. — Source

9

CRACKED.COM IT TOOK DEAD CHILDREN TO BAN LAWN DARTS. Contains 4 JAVELIN DARTS 2 TARGET CIRCLES HASBRO JAVELIN DARTS If you're going, What the hell were they thinking to sell huge flying metal spikes to play with, S you're not alone. The U.S. banned them for good in the late '80s-but only after they had caused thousands of injuries (and a few deaths) over three decades. — Source

8

CRACKED.COM Easy Bake STATO FINGERS ARE EASY TO BURN WITH THE 18/88 EASY-BAKE. For decades, the Easy-Bake Oven has allowed countless children to bake delicious, diabetes- inducing treats. And fingers. In 2007, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a huge recall after dozens of incidents of burned fingers, including some second-and third-degree burns. — Source

7

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source

6

AMAZONIA BARBIE WOULD FEEL LOST IN THE ACTUAL AMAZON. You'd have to travel the Amazon for years to find the one person Amazonia Barbie was inspired by, and it'd probably be some tourist deluded that they' 're blending with the local culture. From the feathers atop her hair to her tribal tattoos, this Barbie looks conceived by people who think that South America is some mythical land. CRACKED COM — Source

5

PINK RIBBON impow right BARBIE Uler SHOWED HOW GLAMOROUS CANCER CAN BE. B In 2006, Mattel wanted to honor breast cancer survivors with their Pink Ribbon Barbie. While part of the profits were donated, not every survivor felt very honored by a perfectly coiffed princess who, unlike many of the people it was purported to represent, had long flowing locks and both breasts in place. CRACKED.COM — Source

4

April O’Neil

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source

3

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source

2

CRACKED COM SPIRIT WAS A JUMBLE OF STEREOTYPES IN THE SHAPE OF AN ACTION FIGURE. Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, starting with his name: Charlie Iron-Knife. His card file described him as a tracker, a shaman, and a mystic warrior. Не also had an American eagle, because we know every Native American is issued one of those. — Source

1

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the - toy section and advertised boo I I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source

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