12 Forbidden Bits of Trivia That Must Not Be Read by a Virgin, Unless You Want a Trio of Witches to Rise from the Dead and Wreak Havoc Upon Salem
Normally, this would be none of my business. But if you’ve never fornicated, copulated or otherwise penetrated another human, I’m gonna have to ask you to hold it right there, bucko.
If it were up to me, sure, you could come into the old Sanderson cottage and read all the trivia tidbits you want! But for safety reasons, we have a strict no-virgins-allowed policy. If your celibate ass were to read about the thousand-dollar dog fart, The Situation’s un-sponsorship or the government’s official stance on mermaids? We’d all be in for a world of hurt.
Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.
A Woman Ate So Many Crab Legs, She Called the Cops on Herself
A tourist in Singapore thought she had agreed to a $20 crab meal, but found out she’d signed up for $20 per 100 grams. The restaurant brought the Alaskan King Crab out to the table before they cooked it, to drive home just how much crab she was in for, but she thought they were just kind of showing it off. When the $1,000 bill came, she assumed she was being scammed, and called the police.
The $1,000 Dog Fart
A New Zealand couple requested a seat change when they found out they were seated next to an exceptionally stinky, flatulent dog on a 13-hour flight. They were in “premium economy,” but the only available seats were in plebeian economy. They made the switch, and spent the next few weeks haggling for a refund, which ultimately came out to $1,410.
Australia May Be Trading in Winter for ‘New Summer’
Australian researchers believe that by 2050, the seasons will shift in a way that will eliminate winter to make room for a long-ass summer, which will be bookended by a brief autumn and a brief spring.
The Sopranos Was So Authentic, the Mob Thought They Had a Rat
Executive producer Terence Winter said he got feedback from the FBI, who was wiretapping the actual mob at the time, about how paranoid mobsters got after every episode aired: “Real wise guys used to think that we had somebody on the inside. They couldn’t believe how accurate the show was.”
The Navy Saved $37,970 by Switching Controllers
The U.S. Navy used to use high-tech helicopter joysticks to control their periscopes, which cost them $38k each. They eventually realized they could do the exact same thing with a $30 Xbox controller.
The U.S. Government Had to Remind Everyone That Mermaids Don’t Exist
Mermaids: The Body Found was a “docufiction” — a mockumentary, but not funny — that aired on Animal Planet in 2012. The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Agency got so many calls from hopeful weirdos that they had to release a statement: “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.”
What Was the First Video Game Played in Space?
Cosmonaut Aleksandr A. Serebrov brought his Game Boy to space, as any sane person would when going on a road trip in 1993. He popped in Tetris, making that the first video game ever played outside of Earth.
Wells Fargo Has an ATM in Antarctica
McMurdo Research Station has a population of anywhere from 250 to 1,000 people, and they all need cash to buy groceries or play CeeLo or whatever scientists do. Wells Fargo has trained local staff to make some repairs to the machine, and even has a second zombie ATM nearby that can be harvested for parts.
The Situation Had a Nega-Sponsorship With Abercrombie & Fitch
A key feature of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s famous abs was the Abercrombie underwear that framed them. After the first season, the company reached out and offered him a “substantial” payment to keep their logo off his body, saying his behavior “may be distressing to many of our fans.”
Canada Doesn’t Really Know How Old It Is
Due to complicated ties to the British Royal Crown, it’s almost impossible to pinpoint when Canada became an independent nation. Their Supreme Court looked into it, and decided that “sovereignty was acquired in the period between its separate signature of the Treaty of Versailles in 1919 and the Statute of Westminster, 1931.”
Hooker, Oklahoma Has a Good Sense of Humor
Founded in 1873, the town’s official motto is “It’s a Location, not a Vocation.” That’s cute and all, but it was named after cattle rancher John “Hooker” Threlkeld — if “Hooker” is a nickname, can we be sure it doesn’t actually mean sex worker?
How Willie Got His Stuff Back
Willie Nelson had a ton of his assets seized by the IRS in 1990, due to some unfortunate, ultimately illegal investments he’d made in the 1980s. A bunch of his fans pooled their money, bought the property that was being auctioned and gave it back to him.
