12 Caustic Bits of Trivia That Need to Be Sealed Away in a Lead Vault for 1,000 Years Before They Can Be Safely Studied
There’s no doubt that these trivia tidbits are crucial to the advancement of the human race. But in their raw form, they’re packed with such concentrated minutiae that even a passing glance at a single one of them could sous vide your primitive meaty brain and make you experience the 10th dimension. Until such time as they burn off some of their toxic novelty, or we develop a technology suitable for synthesizing them, I cannot recommend you read about which babies to avoid tickling, Gordon Ramsay’s tongue insurance or the rich idiot who brought London Bridge to Arizona.
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Cheetahs Verbally Demand Ovulation
Male cheetahs have a distinct bark that can kick any nearby females that aren’t already ovulating into a menstrual speed run.
You’re Not Rich, But I Am
Charles Schwab surveyed 1,000 people about their opinions on wealth, and it turns out you ain’t shit until you have $2.2 million. The same survey seemed to indicate that people feel wealthy themselves when they have $560,000 in the bank.
Wilt Chamberlain Could Dunk on a Free Throw
In college, Chamberlain was already huge and athletic enough to hurl his entire body, not just the ball, at the rim. It was such a jarring experience to behold, he’s the reason you’re not allowed to do that anymore.
London Bridge Is in Arizona
In 1968, when London decided to scrap their sinking bridge and build a new one, they wanted to see if they could get some rich American idiot to buy it. They marketed it in the U.S. by saying, “London Bridge is not just a bridge, it is the heir to 2,000 years of history,” even though that particular bridge had only been built in 1831. Rich idiot Robert McCulloch took the bait, paying over $2 million just for the bridge, and who knows how much more to have it installed over Arizona’s Lake Havasu.
Producing an Electric Vehicle Releases 70 Percent More Greenhouse Gasses
Volvo has estimated that production of one of its EVs has a 70 percent larger carbon footprint than that of its classic gas-powered models. Importantly, carbon emissions over its lifetime more than make up for that, but they released that alarming statistic to jolt world governments into investing in less onerous batteries and cleaner fuel sources.
One Guy’s Life Suddenly Became a Bad Canadian Porn Plot
This unlucky Canadian walked out of his shower, naked, and saw a Mountie chilling in his bedroom. She claimed she was there to serve a citation for not stopping for a school bus, which he’d supposedly done six months earlier. She claims that when she knocked on the door, it flew open of its own accord, and she (legally) walked right in.
The Earth Used to Be Purple, Maybe
Biologists think it’s a little strange that chlorophyll actively reflects green light waves, when it needs those waves to photosynthesize. One microbial geneticist thinks that retinal, a purple substance that absorbs green light, may have been the dominant photosynthesizer for a while.
Canada’s Navy Only Has 37 Ships
Compare that to about 470 operated by the U.S. Navy, and about 190 operated by Mexico’s, and it’s pretty clear the Canucks aren’t taking the nautical threat from Greenland as seriously as they should be.
Gordon Ramsay Insured His Tongue
Ramsay got a $10 million insurance policy in the event his tongue gets injured, diseased or just too old to scream insults at small business owners. By comparison, a Cadbury “chocolate scientist” got hers insured for just over $1 million. That’s an odd disparity, considering Ramsay, a food judge, could just lie, whereas everyone will know if the Cadbury lady accidentally creates a dogshit-flavored egg.
The First American Currency Said ‘MIND YOUR BUSINESS’
In 1787, before it was a pugnacious quip, the phrase was just intended to be sound financial advice. “In God We Trust” didn’t appear on our coins until after the Civil War (the gory and traumatizing conflict in which God finally proved He could be Trusted).
Do Not Tickle a Navajo Baby
Statistically speaking, you shouldn’t tickle most babies. But if you make a Navajo baby laugh, you have to throw it a party. A baby’s first laugh is considered sacred, and there’s a tradition that the person who made the baby laugh has to give it a gift of turquoise jewelry and throw a dinner party for the whole family.
Montana School Principals Are Bound by Law to Feed Their Students’ Horses
Every few years, some kid in Montana rediscovers this one obscure law, and pulls a legitimately rad senior prank: Get your friends to ride their horses to school, hitch ‘em up and remind the principal that they’re required to feed and water them throughout the day.
