15 Things That Were Blamed On Witches
When things go wrong, the first thing anyone looks for is someone to blame. It’s human nature, looking both for a reason and a scapegoat. However, throughout history, this tendency has led to women being tried, burned, drowned or mistreated in countless other ways after being accused of witchcraft.
Imagine you live in a small, shitty village 300(ish) years ago. You work hard, you go to church, you do everything you’re supposed to, and then all your crops die. Do you go, “Ah well, that’s bad luck but these things happen,” or do you find someone to blame? It’s much more appealing to conclude Person X is responsible than to wonder why your prayers go ignored, whether there is a god at all, whether there’s any point to anything at all…
And ohhhhhh shit, if it’s a slightly strange woman, even better. They’re either pointless or scary. The sort of woman who has a bunch of books in her house and is known as someone that can help girls that get into trouble? That sounds dangerous, let’s blame her!
According to the organization Witches of Scotland, all the signs we associate with witchcraft, like broomsticks, cauldrons, black cats and pointed hats, actually came from “alewives,” women who brewed beer. Look, if you let women brew beer, the next thing you know they’ll want to be allowed to vote. Shut ‘em down!
The thought process for a lot of the world, a lot of the time, is that if things are going wrong, it’s probably a witch’s fault; but if things are going too well for women, they’re probably witches. Basically, whatever’s happening, burning a local crone every so often can’t hurt — it’s much easier to point your finger at a creepy-looking elderly woman than it is to rethink your whole approach to things, or accept that you might be a shitty farmer.
Shitty Weather in General: Witches Love It!
Between 1520 and 1770, the colder the winter, the more women were put on trial for witchcraft. A year-by-year analysis shows it correlates perfectly: The more chilly and annoyed people got, the more women they murdered.
Diarrhea: The Witch’s Shit Consistency of Choice!
Outbreaks of food poisoning, before any understanding of bacteria or germ theory, were blamed on witches. One contributing factor to the Salem witch trials may have been ergot poisoning, a fungus that grows on plants and can cause convulsions.
Trying to Kill the King
James VI of Scotland was assured that a collective of witches tried to kill him while at sea. He wrote a book, Dæmonologie, in which he explained how foolproof a witch-finding method dunking a bound woman into a river was.
The Black Death: Satan’s Favorite
The massive outbreak of bubonic plague in Europe had much more to do with rats than warty women, but that didn’t stop witches from being blamed. In Geneva, 29 women were killed after a four-year plague that was definitely their fault.
Impressive Soccer Skills: The Mark of the Demon
In 2008, a soccer match in the Democratic Republic of Congo descended into a riot after one player was accused of using witchcraft. Thirteen people were killed and 36 injured.
Not Being Up for It: Proof of Ungodliness
Spurning an unwanted sexual advance, having the audacity to own land or simply being female, poor and of a lower social class can all be enough to be accused of witchcraft in some parts of India.
Anything Bad Happening to Anyone: Not Their Fault, Definitely a Witch
“Mischief following anger” was the wording in Shakespearean times for refusing to help some crazy needy old woman, and at a later date having something bad happen to you. It had to be her fault, the mad old stinking bat.
Pissing Off the President of the Gambia: Every Witch’s Dream
According to Amnesty International, up to 1,000 Gambians have been accused of being witches targeting President Yahya Jammeh. Many have been arrested, tortured or killed. Jammeh says he can cure AIDS, but only on Thursdays.
Women Talking About Things: Hell on Earth
Women who didn’t seem to know their place — be pretty, do as you’re told and shut the fuck up — were, according to those in 17th-century Massachussetts, witches. Women could be excommunicated for “usurping” their husband’s role or expressing “unorthodox opinions.”
Hangovers: The Devil’s Breakfast
Lilias Adie, from Fife, Scotland, was accused of magically causing a neighbor’s hangover. A month-long trial of torture and sleep deprivation led to her taking her own life, her body dumped in the sea under a rock. Fuck the past.
Flaccid Penises: The Plaything of Beelzebub
Sexual dysfunction being blamed on magic crops up a lot throughout history. It’s an odd thought, that of everything a witch could use magic for, she’d magic a dude’s dick floppy, but each to their own.
AIDS: The Modern Witch’s Illness of Choice
In 21st century Zambia, 25 percent of pregnant women are infected with HIV, leading to accusations that witches are spreading the disease. Witch-hunters have subsequently killed many of those accused, doing nothing about the AIDS figures.
Winning the African Cup of Nations: Witches Just Fucking Love Soccer!
In 1992, the sports minister of Code D’Ivoire hired witch doctors to help beat Ghana in the African Cup of Nations final. The witch doctors weren’t paid for a decade, however, resorting to threatening the team with a curse.
Screaming Girls: Shut the Hell Up, Satan!
The Salem witch trials began with teenage girls having “fits” — shouting, screaming and convulsing, barking like dogs and saying unintelligible words. Teenage girls, as everyone knows, are perfectly behaved, so it had to be the work of witches.
Absolutely Anything Sub-optimal: IT’S WITCHES!
Anything whatsoever that doesn't go to plan has, at some time or another, been laid at the feet of witches. Disappointing harvests, bad weather, infertility, miscarriage, loud noises, bad investments, absolutely everything.
