15 Big-Time Scientific Burns
If you’re a big fancy scientist going round discovering stuff, you get to name it. That’s pretty rad — you can slap your own name on it and render yourself kind of immortal. Or if there’s someone who you absolutely hate, and the creature you’ve discovered is ugly and disgusting, you can name it after them!
Quite a lot of scientists have done this, taking the opportunity to get a dig at someone they don’t like entered into the taxonomy of the world. It happened enough that it is now forbidden, under the rules of the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature, to give a new discovery an offensive name. This applies both in general (i.e., the shithead beetle) and to names aimed at a specific individual (i.e. Davesucks yeahhedoes). While a lot of species are named after individuals, the scientists involved have to explain why, and it can’t be a sarcastic reason — when three species of slime mold beetles were named after former President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, the assumption was that the scientists were doing it as a bit of a fuck-you, but they were just paying straight tribute and only had the medium of slime mold beetles with which to do so.
It hasn’t stopped a few tongue-in-cheek ones getting through, though, as well as the occasional back-handed compliment.
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See That Stinky Weed? That’s You
Carl Linnaeus named the genus Siegesbeckia, a particularly stinky weed, after fellow botanist Johann Georg Siegesbeck, who he absolutely hated. He said there should be a connection between a plant’s name and the person it was named after. Pretty sassy.
You Suck, You Know-Nothing Seed Bug
Linnaeus was no stranger to sassiness — after a falling-out with a student named Rolander, Linnaeus named a seed bug after him. Aphanus rolandri translates roughly as “Rolander the unknown.”
The Biggest Hog in the World
W.J. Holland, director of the Carnegie Museum of Natural History, had a reputation for insisting his name went first on any paper he was even loosely involved with. This led to his name being used for Dinohyus hollandi — a giant hog.
Trilobite? More Like Failobite
Swedish paleontologist Elsa Warburg named a trilobite after her nemesis Orvar Isberg — Isbergia planifrons. “Planifrons” describes the trilobite as flat-headed, which is also a euphemism in Swedish for being extremely stupid.
It’s Not Mussel, It’s Fat
Not to be outdone, Isberg named a mussel Warburgia crassa, choosing to identify the mussel by its fatness.
Nothing Says ‘Fun Guy’ Like a Butthole
German botanist Hans Burgeff was reportedly no fan of American botanist Albert Berklee, which may have factored into his naming one type of filamentous fungus Phycomyces blakesleeanus. Like, a butthole.
I Hope All the Bad Things in Life Happen to You and Nobody Else But You
Paleontologist Edward Cope delivered a real player-hater move naming an ancient Miocene mammal in honor of all of his enemies, dubbing it Anisonchus cophater after “the Cope-haters who surround me.”
And As I sip My Soda That I’m Sure Somebody Spit In, I Just Would Like to Say to All of You, Kiss My Ass, You Rotten Motherfuckers
Othniel Marsh, a Yale paleontologist (or “Yaleontologist”) and one of the Cope-haters in question, named an ancient reptile Mosasaurus copeanus — both showing off what he’d discovered and taking a dig at his enemy’s asshole.
Green Builders Target the White House
A green building company paid $25,000 to name a Panamanian amphibian Demorphus donaldtrumpi, ostensibly in honor of Donald Trump’s commitment to environmental issues, but clarifying “it sees only in black and white” and “burrows its head underground.”
Heads and (Small) Tails
Another insect, a moth, was named Neopalpa donaldtrumpi by scientist Vazrick Nazari. As he pointed out, there were two things that differentiated this moth from similar species: It had a golden head and very small genitals.
Nice Hat, Dickhead
The flatworm Baicalellia daftpunka is named after the band Daft Punk, which seems like a homage until the paper explains that the worm’s dick looks like it’s wearing one of Daft Punk’s helmets.
Backhanded Ginger-Haired Compliment
The paper formally identifying Carcinonemertes conanobrieni and naming it after Conan O’Brien points out, “The physical similarities between the new species and Mr. O’Brien are remarkable; both exhibit a long and pale soma with slight tints of orange.”
600 Million Ears Old
While the naming of Obamus coronatus was mostly complimentary, the scientists responsible pointed out they named the 600 million-year-old marine organism after Barack Obama due to “his passion for science and the likeness of (this) fossil morphology to his ears.”
Sea What We Did There
Two marine species, Rosenblattia robusta and Sphoeroides rosenblatti, were named after Scripps Institution of Oceanography scientist Richard Rosenblatt as, possibly affectionate, jabs at his weight — being both “robust” and “spheroid.”
Sounds Like a Fun Guy
One type of minute fungus beetle was identified by entomologist James Pakuluk and named after himself: Foadia pakuluk. However, the Foadia part was something of a middle finger to everyone — FOAD stands for “fuck off and die.” What a hater!
