You Really Have No Idea Who The Villain Of Frozen Is

6 Hans Is Actually A Great Guy, And He's Got The Song To Prove It

Most people are too busy trying to get that damned song out of their head to realize that even in a movie about talking snowmen and incest-free royals, Hans' heel turn is the least believable plot point. For 85 percent of the movie he's the most heroic Disney prince on record: selfless, dedicated, and without so much as a crooked mutton chop of villainous intent.

In order for the ending of Frozen to work, the audience has to believe that Hans never truly loved Anna, and to be fair, he says as much in his villainous reveal.

But until his admission, the romance between Hans and Anna is never once presented as anything but utterly sincere and is consolidated in the most earnest way known to man or beast: lyrically. Anna and Hans' duet opens up a whole new wor- sorry, a door to the future. Theirs is an instant, wonderful connection we have no reason to doubt:

Is Hans despicable enough to lie through a spontaneous musical number? Well, here's the thing: Nobody lies in Disney musical numbers. Not really. If you're a secret villain, you drop conspiratorial winks faster than trousers on prom night -- in both cases thanks to stirring ballads. For example, when The Little Mermaid's Ursula sways Ariel into a Faustian bargain, she can't resist giving sneering asides to her minions, and Tangled's Gothel can't even song-convince her daughter of her beneficence without a full verse dedicated to calling Rapunzel fat. A villain can't help but reveal their true douchiness through song. Hans can no more hide his heart in harmony than he could from an omniscient narrator.

According to his song's lyrics, the closest thing Anna has to a flaw is that he didn't meet her years ago. And that's important, because ...

5 Love At First Sight Is The Most Powerful Force In The Disney Universe

Disney is rife with instant mutual infatuations that always end happily. While the instantaneous romance between Hans and Anna might seem strange to us bitter, jaded grownups, we have to remember that in the Disney universe true love at first sight is as real and tangible as a sexually harassing candlestick.

Magical destiny and true love are so powerful that in Pocahontas they even evaporate the language barrier so that two people can be together, like a much less sinister version of RussianBrides.com.

Hans' affections are even outlined in the script; when they lock eyes it's pure chemistry. Then, as Anna flees their unplanned meet-cute, Hans stares after her with a goofy lovesick grin on his face -- even though he's under a boat and no one can see him. If he's faking it, then he's operating on a level of commitment that even Daniel Day-Lewis would find exhausting.

And the thing is, Hans and Anna are a good match. Not just because they're both super adorable, but they bond over their older siblings' aloofness. That's a great start even for us real-world people who don't have to find a spouse in a 120-minute window. And relative to other Disney films, this is huge groundwork; in previous years, Hans would have just sung a song and then molested Anna in her sleep. Instead they commiserate as the world's only two neglected royals.

The relationship goes well, right up until Hans reveals his wicked intentions -- that he's using Anna to marry into power. Well, if we're to believe that Hans has an evil plot all along, then it becomes pretty obvious that this guy is terrible at being evil, because ...

4 Hans Consistently Works Against His Own Plan

It's a Disney tradition that villains monologue the intricacies of their schemes to their minions before enacting them (Ursula, Scar, Hades, Jafar, Yzma ... the list goes on). Hans never does this, and it's just as well, because the rest of the movie would have been a long, awkward silence. He seems to be as effective at evil plotting as Olaf is at not being a freakish monstrosity.

Hans says he wants to marry his way onto the throne. Fine. But he openly admits nobody stands a chance with Elsa and in the next breath admits that Anna's eagerness is a lucky break. So ... what is his plan? To turn up and hope that somebody desperate would marry him? We're not saying it's not a move we all consider once middle age sets in, but it seems to lack foresight.

Hans also reveals he was going to arrange "a little accident" for Elsa. Now, everybody knows that "a little accident" is villain for "stab her repeatedly with an ice pick," so doesn't it seem strange that Hans tries to save Elsa's life on multiple occasions?

First, when Elsa goes missing he offers to mount a rescue mission, only to stay behind and take care of the kingdom at the request of his new fiancee, Anna. Well, sure, any asshole can crisis-manage a kingdom while respecting the wishes of the woman he loves, but what about when Anna's horse returns without her? Does Hans shrug and say, "Well, seeing as I'm already running the place ..."? No. He sets out to find Elsa himself, expressly forbidding that any harm come to the queen.

Remember, he's officially in charge until one of them comes back. Elsa has abdicated the throne and Dr. Manhattaned herself a heavily defended mountain fortress. Hans climbs a damn mountain and slays a frost giant to see if Elsa is all right, then saves her from assassination by the Duke's men.

He says he has to kill her to bring back summer, but he passes up at least three chances to do so. And it's not like eternal winter would threaten his rule; half the Arendelle economy is based on exporting ice.

Why doesn't he let her die if he was planning to kill her all along? Why go after her at all? He would have been completely blameless if the Duke's men had killed a woman who, at this point, has doomed that year's crops.

Hell, he even defends Elsa from the Duke's slander so that nobody regards her as a monster, and then begs her to live up to her sister's view of her. He's not just saving her life; he's preserving her authority.

Saving her life yet again while she's unconscious, he escorts her back to her seat of power and advocates on her behalf. He stubbornly insists on prolonging Elsa's life at every opportunity, making this the oddest regicide in history.

Hans acts like the ultimate good guy right up until he's about to kiss Anna. If he's secretly evil, why blow his cover with a monologue? It's not like loving Anna and vying for power are exclusive goals. You can have both, sideburns.

If the kiss does work, he's now prince consort to a lovely gal. And if he knows he doesn't love her, instead of stupidly dismissing the staff, he should have asked them to witness their nuptials, then pretended to cry as the last obstacle to his supreme power dies in his arms.

But kissing Anna would have gone against the interests of a very powerful group ...

3 The Trolls Have The Power To Change Minds And Hearts ... But Only One Way

So it's clear Hans has a change of heart, but who is capable of changing a heart -- or mind -- so drastically?

The Trolls are creatures of immense power but with little insight into human manners, like a tribe of miniature Kanye Wests. When we first meet the Trolls, they cure a young Anna of an accidental wound by her sister's magic powers. Their "cure" also removes any memory of the magic. They are able to alter her entire recollection of her sister with a wave of a hand.

So they have terrifying powers, but they're still good guys, right? Look at them; they're like adorable sentient potatoes! Except not everyone remembers them that way. When the king looks the Trolls up in an old book, we're presented with a different interpretation.

The Troll picture matches the Grand Pabbie, the elder troll, completely, except he's drawn like a demonic Tasmanian devil. And judging by the fancy duds worn by the guy on the altar, these Trolls are used to interfering with nobility. Why is that important? Button up your adorable waistcoat, people, because this rabbit hole goes deep ...

2 The Trolls Are The Real Evil Masterminds

What have the Trolls got against Hans? Nothing -- he just gets in their way. They want the happy ending meant for him to go to their own human boy, Kristoff. True love may be the most powerful force in the Disney universe, but the Trolls are self-professed love experts; they know how to make things work in their favor.

When Anna and Kristoff team up, they certainly don't share the chemistry Anna and Hans do. If anything, Kristoff fits the archetype of Disney Lunk rather than Disney Hunk: a good-hearted helper character. He's more Pacha or Pumba than Shang or Eric. Regardless, when Anna is injured a second time by Elsa's power, Kristoff takes her to his family, the Trolls.

... who immediately try to marry them off (after a musical number, of course).

Without so much as an introduction, the Trolls decide Anna is a good match for Kristoff due to her "good teeth" and "working nose." It becomes clear that the Trolls' love expertise is inferior to all but the drunkest of horse breeders. These rockheads think Kristoff and Anna are in love after one day together -- something the movie just derided about Hans. So is love at first sight possible or are the trolls ignorant of the human heart?

The answer is again more sinister. When Kristoff protests that Anna is happily engaged, the Trolls blank him so hard the animators don't have to draw any scenery for the rest of the movie. Our stone Illuminati attempt to nuptialize the humans anyway.

Here's where things get foreboding. The Trolls sing, in the same joyful tone they use when kidnapping children, that Her quote 'engagement' is a flex arrangement and Get the fiance out of the way. They are not just making a joke here, they are declaring their intentions -- because villains can't help but tell the truth in Disney songs.

When Anna realizes what they're doing, she faints, as if marrying Kristoff has further frozen her heart. She falters again at the second mention of "true love" when the Trolls imply he should kiss her. And Kristoff doesn't even attempt to do so.

There's no love between these two, and Disney destiny is not on their side, but the Trolls don't care -- they are clearly forcing a connection. But other than getting Kristoff laid by an actual human, what's in it for them?

1 The Trolls Are Fighting A Cold War Against Elsa

Thus far the Trolls have divided the princesses, rendering Elsa a feeble paranoid, and amnesiac Anna so desperate for love she'll settle for the one human the Trolls can trust. But now Elsa's embraced her icy abilities and they must once again subdue her.

Given the power of love in a world beset by ice magic, the Trolls have a vested interest in fixing Anna up with their man; the next monarch will be Kristoff's kid. The Trolls make no effort to cure Elsa's powers. But they do compare it to a curse and portend Elsa's "great danger."

And Elsa is dangerous. She creates life. Twice! That sort of thing usually takes a whole pantheon of Greek Gods, but she does it by accident.

Not only that, but she lets the power erode her moral center in record time. She sings a catchy tune but ad-libs the line No right, no wrong, no rules for me shortly before creating a snow ogre (or, quite obviously, a "snowgre") that enthusiastically tries to murder her loving sister. Elsa has potential Evil Queen written all over her.

Suddenly it makes sense that the Trolls want an agent in her court, just in case she goes home. The only thing standing in Kristoff's way is a foreign prince whom they couldn't spare two stoney shits about.

So how to get rid of him? This is where it gets devious. They hijack Anna's and Hans' destiny and true love: again, the two most powerful forces in a Disney universe.

Sure, in any other movie a sociopathic mastermind Handsome Prince would have been a great story, but we've already seen these Trolls completely alter someone's mind without so much as a medical consent form. Erasing Anna's memory doesn't help any humans, but it does scare Elsa into isolation, too self-loathing to ever develop her powers.

That leaves the Trolls as the supreme wielders of ice magic. How do they get to Hans? By redirecting Anna's cardiac cryo-infection into a trap that freezes the heart of her true love. As Elsa unintentionally demonstrates twice, it's very easy for ice magic to freeze a heart, no matter how much you love the victim. The second Hans attempts to save Anna with a kiss, his heart is frozen and he turns instantly, bafflingly cruel.

The way is left open for Kristoff to woo Anna, and as a happy side effect, Anna and Elsa recognize their true love for each other with a noble sacrifice. Anna is cured, but more importantly, Elsa is stabilized.

The only real casualty is Hans. The look on his face is that of a man who doesn't understand what has happened to him. But Anna seems to have an idea. As the curse is lifted and the seas thaw, she tells him: "The only one with a frozen heart here is you."

If she only knew how right she was.

Steve Wetherell plays a sexually attractive monk in the Authors And Dragons podcast, and you can find more of his funny words over at Deviant Dolls.

This isn't even Brendan McGinley's first time charting a magical conspiracy against people with superpowers. For that, read his comic book, Indelible, Inc. This is his best tweet.

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See how the tale Frozen was based on included plenty of animal abuse in 5 Beloved Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories and find out that, while Frozen may be grim, it won't tear apart your marriage like in 6 B.S. Viral Stories: 'Frozen' Isn't Causing Divorces.

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