A Theory That Will Change How You See 'Beauty And The Beast'
As we've noted before, there is something severely wrong with this picture:
I mean, besides the drastic head-size difference.
Even going by the most generous estimates, Mrs. Potts, the Beast's faithful housekeeper, is clearly way too goddamn old to have given birth to her "son," Chip. His entire existence is seemingly impossible. For example, Lumiere sings in "Be Our Guest" that the residents of the castle have been under the spell that turned them into a forestland IKEA because the Prince couldn't spare one of his 72 bedrooms for a disguised enchantress for 10 years, and Chip is clearly younger than that. Can teapots give birth? How do teapots have sex? How did she fit a teacup through her spout?
How does she apply her makeup every day?
The answer lies in how time works in the castle. See, all we know is that a) the spell was cast 10 years ago, and b) the magic rose begins wilting on the Prince's 21st birthday, which it has begun to do by the time the movie starts. What we don't know is how long the rose has been wilting. It's a magic fucking rose; it could drop one petal a year. That would make sense, because one side effect of the spell that nobody ever mentions seems to be the drop-kicking of its victims' aging process. Since everyone assumes a magic rose must wilt like a normal rose for some reason, the popular belief is that the Prince was 11 years old when the spell was cast, but that's clearly not true. In a flashback sequence in the 1997 sequel, The Enchanted Christmas, we see all the characters the moment the spell is cast, and aside from the Prince, who looks a little more pouty-faced but clearly too tall and ripped to be 11, everyone looks exactly the same (including Chip, who should look much different/invisible). But we all know straight-to-DVD Disney sequels don't count for anything, even to Disney. Here's the OG depiction of Prince's most regretted snub:
"As you can see, I was just in the middle of my upper-body workout -- I'm quite busy!"
That's one strapping 11-year-old. Also, how does a preteen come into possession of a portrait of their adult self?
"More rugged this time, I mean it!"
The only way anything in this movie makes sense is if the castle's inhabitants do not physically age while under the spell, or at least age much slower. So that solves the teapot-fucking problem, but it still doesn't explain how that old-ass bitch gave birth in pre-fertility-medicine France, assuming everyone not-ages at the same rate. Well ...
Think about it. Why are we pretending Mrs. Potts is Chip's mother? Who is Mrs. Potts close to who would have cause to hide a child and hope medical knowledge doesn't advance to the point that we know what menopause is anytime soon? It couldn't be any of the servants; who would care if they had a somehow improper child? It couldn't be her family; they'd also be servant-class, and why wouldn't he just call her "grandma" or whatever?
The only answer is the Prince. Christ, they even look alike:
Although one looks considerably more terrifying than the other.
The resemblance becomes undeniable as the boy gets older. Here's Chip in the 1997 sequel:
Just look at those eyebrows. Dye-job much?
He's even dressed like the Prince! They could not make this more obvious!
"Once he comes of age, I'll show him my perfect lip gloss technique too."
Since the Prince could have been anywhere up to age 21 when the spell was cast, that leaves plenty of time for getting in trouble with peasant girls. Or maybe an enchantress?
Hear me out: What's even her story? Why would she target this particular (apparently not very important, since being a Beast appears to have no consequences for his kingdom) member of the royal family? Why that specific curse? If the lesson he was supposed to learn was "Don't judge appearances and generally be less of an assface to people," why does making someone love him have anything to do with that? Doesn't that kiiiiinda sound like she just wanted to turn him into a Beast and needed to justify it to herself, albeit very clumsily? Wait -- doesn't that also sound like the words of every deranged scorned lover? "You'll never find someone who will love you like I do! Go ahead and try!"
Her musical number "Good Luck, Fuckboy" was canceled for budget reasons.
Maybe it won't hold up in court, but it starts to make a lot of sense when you find out that in earlier tellings the curse had nothing to do with the Prince's stinginess. In the earliest-known written version of the tale (which is apparently not as old as time), the enchantress actually curses the prince because she fails to seduce him. But that's not exactly a PG storyline, so plenty of elements have been changed along the way between that story and the one that eventually ended up on IMAX screens, including the addition of a mystery child who looks exactly like the Prince.
It's entirely likely that this time, the enchantress succeeded (admit it, you'd hit that) only to be ultimately scorned and driven mad by a broken heart and grief for the child that was taken from her because we can't have no bastard heirs running around. (And, honestly, she does seem like the type to start demanding shit.) Sure, she ends up cursing the entire household, including Chip, but enchantresses are kinda known for doing that sort of thing, and she's not exactly a rational person. "You won't let a random homeless person into your castle full of treasures?! YOU ARE A LIONBEAR NOW."
Still better than not having genitals or internal organs.
Also, smart as she is, there's no way Belle hasn't figured this out. An enchanted Christmas indeed.
If you wanna donate to help Manna hide from the mob, which is only kind of a joke, she'll turn all your exes into lionbears (or draw you a picture or watch a movie with you or something). You can also follow her on Twitter, but you won't get any sorcerous favors.
Learn about the snake monster in the Russian version of Beauty And The Beast when you read The 5 Creepiest Foreign Versions Of Disney Fairy Tales, and maybe you can tell us how the Beast plans to escape the horde of angry villagers still coming to kill him after you read 6 Important Problems That Famous Movies Forgot To Solve.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see Dan O'Brien break down Beauty And The Beast in Why 'Beauty And The Beast' Is Darker Than You Remember, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook, and get access to exclusive content like livestreams, Facebook contests, and more!
Deep inside us all, behind our political leanings, our moral codes, and our private biases, there is a cause so colossally stupid, we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men, or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim, and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!
