There's a Bird in the House! How Not to Proceed

-Flap flap flap flap flap!-

"What the hell was that?"

"What?"

"That flapping?"

-Flap flap flap flap flap!-

"There's a bird in the house!"

"A what!"

"A bird! In the house! That is freaking the hell out!"

"Get it out get it out get it out!"

"Why?"

"Because I hate birds!"

"All birds? What are you, racist?"

"Get it out!" -sound of bedroom door slamming.-

"But it's not on the chore board."

"Get it out! Get it out!"

"Fine. OK, I'm opening windows. There? See the bird can fly away now. Go on bird. Fly away."

"Is it gone?"

"No. I'm opening all the doors now. Can you unlock this door so I can open the windows in there as well?"

"AHHHHH!"

"Fine, don't. Come on you stupid bird. What are you waiting for? You do not belong here. Go outside where you belong!"

"Is it gone?"

"No. Honey, where do we keep the broom?"

"In the broom closet!"

"The what?"

"The closet in the hall with the broom in it."

"Holy crap. There's a mop in here and everything. When did we get this? Don't answer. I bet this will just start an argument about the chore board again."

"What are you doing with the broom?"

"I.... I'm jumping around, pretending it's a guitar."

"What?"

"Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet Chillllllllld oooffffffff Myyyyyyeeeeeeeinnnnnnnneeeee!"

"You've got to fucking be kidding me!"

"Ok, fine. I'm using the broom to scare the bird away. Come on you fucking bird! Shoo! Shoo! Christ, why do we have such high ceilings?"

"Did you get it?"

"No. It's hiding in the lamp. GO ON STUPID BIRD! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. GO BACK TO YOUR OWN KIND!"

-Flap flap flap flap flap!-

"Is it gone?"

"No. A second one flew inside. I guess the sound of my voice is sensual and attractive to bird ears."

"There's two of them?"

"For now. It looks like they're building a nest in the light, so I guess there will be more in a few months."

"Oh my god!"

"Oooh yeah bird. Lay your bird woman down....... Woooomaaaaaaaaan. Laaaaaaady."

"Stop singing to the birds!"

"But I'm finally good at something!"

"Get the birds out of here damnit!"

"Calm down. I'm going to go get a cat."

"We don't have a cat!"

"Then I guess I'll be awhile, hey!? You gave me the chore to do, don't complain how I do it. Now then. I'll lure the neighbor's cat somehow. Do we have a saucer of milk?"

"What?"

"I guess we probably don't have that pre-prepared, but it sounds like a simply enough dish to make. Hang on." -sound of clattering dishes- "Ok. I'll be right back."

"Don't leave me here with the bird!"

"Birds dear. There's two of them."

"AHHHHHHH!"

-Ten minutes later-

"I cannot believe how well that worked!"

"You got the cat?"

"Of course I got the cat! I'm a freaking cat whisperer as well it seems. Ok. Now, I'm going to close the doors so the cat can't get out."

"But then the bird can't get out!"

"They had their chance. There. Done. Ok cat, kill! Kill the birds! Kill!"

"What's it doing?"

"Falling asleep. Ahhhhhh, I bet it was the milk. Dumb Chris. Dumb."

"I told you that wouldn't work."

"Did you? I don't recall that at all. No this will work. I just need to make the cat angrier."

"Try chasing the birds out of here with the broom again! I think you gave up on that too quickly."

"I... what? Is this about college again?"

"No! Just do the broom thing. Please?"

"Fine. One more time. AHHHHHHHHHH! It's in my hair!"

"AHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHH!"

"Wow! Fuck that! No way lady. I'm sending the cat in there."

"I don't know...."

"Too late! I've pissed off the cat."

"How?"

"By spraying it with PAM cooking spray. Cats hate being sprayed with cooking spray."

"Everything hates being sprayed with cooking spray!"

"Fine. A universal irritant. Whatever."

"What's happening?"

"The cat's not angry so much as he's terrified. He's hiding behind the couch. I think he's peeing back there. Yeah. No. It's definitely terror pee."

"What!"

"The smell has really seemed to freak the birds out. I'm going to open all the doors and windows again."

"Are the birds gone?"

"No, they settled down again with the fresh air. But I think that...yes, a badger has definitely come inside now. I think he smelled the terrified cat."

"What!"

"I'm going to spray him with PAM and see if he chases the birds. Ow! Ow! Fuck! Ow!"

"What's happening?"

"The badger attacked me!"

"Are you ok?"

"I'm on the counter now. He grabbed hold of my pant leg and wouldn't let go, so I had to take them off."

"I'm going to call the police."

"Do not call the police. I've already had one warning about this."

"One warning about what?"

"Something similar happened last weekend when you were at your mother's."

"The same thing happened before!?"

"I didn't say the same thing, did I? I said similar. No, last week, I managed to hang on to my underpants."

"The badger took your underpants?"

"That's not the important part of the story! The important part is that the police do not have time for this, and they won't hesitate to yell at me if they think it will make me learn."

"How did the police get the animals out last time?"

"With their wits and muscles. Were I similarly equipped, I'd have tried the same."

"What are we going to do?"

"I'm going to take this dish towel and tie it around me like a loin cloth."

"That wasn't what I was talking about."

"It's a bit small though, if you catch my drift."

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE ANIMALS IN OUR HOUSE?"

"We'll have to abandon it. This is just the price we have to pay for man's hubris. Climate change. Ecosystems in danger. Etc. You climb out the bedroom window and start the car. I'm going to use this can of PAM to create a slick surface on which I can skate out of here like some kind of super hero. Outside, we'll start a new life, far from these troubles."

"What?"

"PAM Powers activate!"

-loud thump, sound of badger licking slick of grease from my legs-

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For more prickish animals, check out 6 Animals That Just Don't Give A F#@k. And get more Bucholz in The Lament of the Hardcore Wii Owner.

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