The 7 Most Agonizing Sex Injuries on Record
Sex sells, but drama subscribes. Put the two together, and you've got an irresistible list of injuries
Sex! Now that I have your attention: SEX! We all love it, and the more painful, the better. A few people claim to prefer their sex painless. If that's you, stop reading now. And if it's not you, sorry about your father issues.I notice you're all still here. That's because sex sells, but drama subscribes. Put the two together, and you've got an irresistible list of injuries. Let's all cringe together, because like so many women before you (two!), you and I are going to share some humiliatingly bad sex. These afflictions ooze from tolerable to terminal, and none of them is "Died of ecstasy with a Cracked staffer," if you were wondering.
I like my women like I like my coffee -- hot enough to hurt me.
#7. The Dame With Gams to Die For
If you didn't want to live in The Lord of the Flies, why did you pay a hundred thousand dollars for a useless education? Sorry, I went to a liberal arts school. Even I can admit that being dead
Cholera is an easy punch line, but a good one. It led the Victorians to eroticize death so much that their ideal girl was the one who died without making a scene before you ever got to kiss her china-white hand. Nevertheless, we have to assume everyone in the 19th century eventually triggered the cemetery curse, because they all died.**Except for a few 120-year-olds still alive today, but they hissed incoherent warnings at the couple entering the cemetery before their eyes boiled out of their heads. How It Could Have Been Avoided:By finding a nice, flat crypt. Or by not provoking the cold wrath of the ancients. Neither of these, however, corrects their first mistake of being in New Jersey.
Ugh. Why would anyone want to live there? If you're going to have sex on a tombstone, do it in winter, when the ground, like your lover and the flint eyes of the numberless dead, is hard and unyielding.The Legacy:Nicknames are reserved for only the most special sex moves, though special isn't necessarily good. Therefore, let us forever remember injury by tombstone mid-coitus as a Jersey Stunner.
#6. Spice Up the Ol' Sex Life
Especially in Hell's Kitchen. Doctors treated her burn by having a man who had just eaten yogurt go down on her. The Casualty:Mild burns down there. Also up there, if he knew what he was doing. It's an eternal question -- is the pain of spicy food worth its delicious flavor? Now complicated by "Is it worth the orgasm if you don't get to taste it?" I just don't know. Ladies? How It Could Have Been Avoided:As an honest mistake, it's pretty understandable and avoidable. Just glue your labia shut so that no man can ever perform oral sex on you again! Problem solved. Because girls -- no way are you going to stand between us and Mexican food. The Legacy:Indian Burn, Southern Heat Wave and Spicy Fish Taco all spring easily to mind, but let's call this a Tralfamadorian Tamale, since the heat runs backward from your tongue to spice up the dish.
#5. The Man With the Noodly Penis
But you won't listen, you buxom blonde in the basement of a horror movie. Seriously. Not even Cheese's column can raise your spirits after what comes next. This medical condition is so disturbing, it comes from an article listing every possible penis injury, and it still edged out the cracking sound, significant bleeding and "eggplant deformity" of a penis fracture. There's an urban legend about a babysitter who gets a call from the police warning him that the stimulation is coming from inside his penis. That legend is true! Some folks really love sticking things up there. How many? Nobody knows! But what most people would pay vast sums to be unable to imagine, others do quietly in the privacy of their own BDSM dungeon. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of the people next to you is a urethral stimulator. Is there no one on either side of you? Then it's YOU. Hey, no judgments. Just deep and disquieted awe.
The important thing to remember is that everything hurts. Now consider the young man who walked into a urologist's office and didn't even pretend the damnedest accident occurred while he was cooking dinner naked and aroused. The Casualty:He accidentally broke a piece of spaghetti off in his urethra. And yes, he was Italian. A case like this raises lots of questions, the most important being -- did it come out cooked? Right behind that: Does this disprove God's existence, or demonstrate Satan's? Also: WHY, sir? That's the kind of thing Roman emperors only do after the thrill of humping the spear wound in a virgin goat's lungs has grown dreary. How bored can you get waiting for water to boil?The X-ray on this must look like a four-dimensional view of the life of a kidney stone. It's one thing to want to hurt yourself. It's another to commit the original sin that hurts all mankind. Every case of erectile dysfunction in history is caused by the outward ripple of his mistake. I will admit the pleasure index on this one makes sense. After all, the male urethra is the vagina of unimaginable agonies. But when a guy wants to know what a piece of raw spaghetti feels like inside his penis, he just deals with UPS customer service.
We like to have a lot of fun around here, but seriously, UPS: Pack it in, you're the worst. Here's a tip for men: The next time you have sex, ask her if you can stick pasta in her urethra. After she recoils in horror, you'll easily bargain her down to conventional equipment up any other orifice, including the ear. Or the police will arrive for you. Either way, show more forethought than this fellow, who stimulated himself with the flimsiest stick imaginable. Literally anything would have had more integrity, even dry balsa wood or a Democrat's campaign promises.And even if you don't break it off inside, what do you get? They say the man who reaches his pubic bone attains ultimate knowledge. For three seconds, you become God, and then the totality of omniscience incinerates your mortal husk. But more likely you die of touching your prostate from the wrong side. How It Could Have Been Avoided:By not using an intraurethral device known for breaking when you stare at it too hard. Literally anything other than ground glass or panicked animals would have been a better choice: gravel, alligator fat, a rolled-up parchment of human skin inscribed with the final sin mankind will commit at the end of the world ... all of these, but not brittle spaghetti.The Legacy:An Italian going the wrong way to the wrong place but coming back with pasta and groin injuries? This is like some lousy Christopher Columbus/Marco Polo buddy comedy. But since there are probably Cracked articles on everything we know about them being wrong, call this one a Deep Dish Ditalini
#4. Do Not Use as Directed
But then, so is Mademoiselle Tautou. The California resident was using a vibrating sex toy, which in most other articles would be a great start to a paragraph. But, oh! Nothing is right in our world, ye sadistic sojourners of sexuality. A sharp pain, and her concerned boyfriend extracted a ...Oh, no. No, no, no. He extr-- Urp. Extracted a bl-- Please don't make me type this, Jack O'Brien. ... extracted a blood-covered dildo. "I thought, very briefly, that I had started my period," said the stoic mother who, like of all her gender, lives in a terrifying world where her genitals hemorrhage a dozen times a year. But this was no ordinary Stephen King tale about the horrors of menstruation; this was a Stephen King tale about possessed cannibal appliances. The Casualty:The bleeding intensified until it exhausted Ms. Bonjour's entire supply of sanitary pads and belief in a loving God. As she lost consciousness, her boyfriend called 9-1-1. Her son was by her side, convinced she was dying. Here are the reasons that is traumatizing for children and other living things:
And the dildo had six fingers. For the world's most unfrivolous lawsuit
#3. The Strangest OSHA Violation Ever
Imagine the citric acid is pus and you'll have the idea of it. The poor scrotum was paying the wages of sin for its owner, a machinist who could find no stimulation more effective than frotting a high-powered drive belt. Yes, while his coworkers were at lunch, he was doing to industrial machinery what most of us do to old pillows with our ex-girlfriend's picture clothes-pinned to them. The Casualty:His left testicle and the 75 million potential genius children who lived there. In an article like this, you expect a little castration; otherwise, where's the fun? But you certainly don't need to know a man exists who makes love to machinery that, in the act of claiming his testicle for its warrior charm necklace, hurled him across the room
Still, that had to have been weird for the janitor to find. This is not a man thwarted by cartoonish violence or tattered genitals. This is an American machinist, modern heir to the smiths of yore! His lunch break makes "hyena tickler" look like a promising career. And when that whistle blows, the job is to screw machines before they screw you.How It Could Have Been Avoided:I don't want all of my responses to be "By not having sex with/on something unsexy," so I looked this up in the Office Safety Protocols. It turns out the only mechanical masturbation precautions are to wear eye goggles and wash down the belt when you're done so as not to spread diseases to your coworkers. The union guidelines add that you should limber up before and afterward by taking a bribe. The Legacy:Pennsylvania Grapefruit is a magnificent term.
#2. The Horror Porno Parody Nobody Wanted
In fact, we may have chanced upon the super-soldier serum. One combination that will forever be wrong, though, is genitals and power tools. That's why a Maryland couple had the foresight to attach a sex toy to a reciprocating saw blade before they inserted it into the woman. After all, electric blades can't cut through plastic, right?Right? Oh dear Jesus lord in heaven with the angels and grandma.The Casualty:One physics lesson and an airlift later, doctors had learned the alien geometry of Ry'leh that splices holes and would keep them from ever enjoying sex again.
Doctor, does that look to you like a saw in a bifurcated vagiiiiIIIIEEEEEE! This sliced vagina is even worse than the miracle of nature's destruction called childbirth, which at least comes with two free dinners: one when you date an unscrupulous man who swears he's wearing a condom, and the second when your body ejects a nutritious placenta. How It Could Have Been Avoided:If you're going to incorporate a Sawzall into your sex life, you're going to have to commit to permanently altering it for vaginal use. Safety demands it, and most couples want labia caked with sawdust about as much as finches want a birdhouse that smells like vagina. The Legacy:Jinkies, Scoob, this is like some nightmarish engineer (possibly a machinist?) worked overtime to devise an even more misogynist version of the vagina dentata. This monstrosity kills all who approach it, depletes its host and then turns inside-out to consume itself. That's not a sex injury; that's a Klingon apocalypse myth. A hole that contains other holes within it is not nicknamed but scientifically classified as a Hypervagina.
#1. And the Horse He Rode in On
Not how you expected a horse molester to look, right? This is the kind of case that just didn't happen before the Internet. If half a dozen people in the same geographic area had grown up as zoophiles, the government would be doing emergency water quality tests. And even if that happened, none of them would admit it to each other. Or get together to film it. Or abandon their dying buddy at the hospital. Or just generally convince you humanity should be burned from the Earth.
Now that's more like it. Pinyan had pulled this gag before, albeit with a gentler, more attentive horse: the kind of horse every guy dreams of marrying. A noble, shimmering horse that would look you in the eye as he spewed buckets in your colon and never once consider rupturing your rectum. That was not the horse Pinyan chose to give himself to this time.
Faint praise, copywriter dude. Faint praise. Pinyan's first warning sign was the animal's gel-spiked mane and serious request to be called by its stupid MTV nickname. The second major concern would have been that his sex partner was a horse.The Casualty:"Acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon." They say the worst thing in the world is for parents to bury a child, and the outer rim on that wheel of misery is burying your son after he was mortally wounded by horse penis. There are no words of consolation for the family of a man whose own body poisoned his equine-phallic internal injuries. It's the kind of thing that sounds really funny for a Van Wilder sequel, but is terrible in reality, much like the Van Wilder movies themselves. How It Could Have Been Avoided:Perhaps by having sex with fewer horses. Or more Shetland ponies. Or half a John Holmes. Or ... or ... gosh, there are so many wrong turns in the path to this fate, it's almost reassuring that nothing could have been done to stop it. The Legacy:Crack and Pinyan, obviously. Sex with Brendan McGinley only injures your reputation.
For more from Brendan, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads and 6 Pro-Gay Marriage Arguments for Fighting With Crazy People.
