6 Horseshit Things The Site That Tried To Bribe Me Does
As someone who works on the Internet, I've been known to get email. And one recent message stood out to me.
That's some sketchy shit, Wingman Magazine. But five minutes spent browsing your website for swaggering frat-bros suggests that's your norm. But you intrigued me with your blatant disregard for ethics. You said I could write about anything. Would you uphold that promise? Let's find out by looking at what makes Wingman Magazine a cultural atrocity.
They're Deceptive
Sponsored content -- articles in which advertisers pay to have their brand displayed -- is a legitimate practice. But proper sponsored content is clearly labelled and goes through official channels. You don't email random contributors and ask them to sneak links by the employers that trust them in exchange for cash.
Even BuzzFeed has figured that out, so it's not like this is a difficult concept.
Speaking of cash, I only get 100 bucks out of 200? Do I need to convince Foreign Policy to publish "5 Reasons Joe Biden Is The Ultimate Wingman"? You're saying "We think the way you make a living is okay, but not great. You could do better. Anyway, want to do our dirty work?" Then again, you have a guide on convincing girls to send nude pictures, so you probably think you're "negging" me into doing what you want. You know what works better? Honesty. Here, let me give you an example of how honesty works: I think children who ate too many Alpha-Bits have vomited better prose than Wingman Magazine.
Your email basically reads "I stumbled across your article about a woman living with a serious mental illness and thought you'd be perfect for a site about getting trashed on vodka red bulls at the strip club with your bros!" Did you ask Tucker Max to contribute a piece on ISIS? If you were any worse at making connections, you'd be permanently stranded in an airport. If you worked as an NBA scout, you'd try to draft lucha libre wrestlers.
It's also insulting how blatantly you mislead your readers -- although given your subject matter, they could be misled by an exit sign. You claim in the middle of your homepage to have been "seen in" these respectable sites ...
... but those aren't links, and my searching only revealed three articles. I'm not saying that you're lying about the other two, because unlike you, I don't make shit up when it suits me. But I'm not surprised that you don't provide links to the articles, considering they're about unrelated topics that awkwardly shoehorn in a single hidden link. Bragging about being seen somewhere only works if it's a positive depiction of your accomplishments, Wingman Magazine. Saying that you were featured on Business Insider is like saying that the Beltway snipers were featured on CNN.
They Don't Understand Women Or Sex
Wingman Magazine's main focus is helping business students squandering their trust fund get laid, because that's a new and innovative idea for a website. But they're hurt by the fact that they know less about women than the Boston Strangler. Their writers learned their sex tips by watching their dads get drunk, molest their sisters, and make them swear not to tell mom. Take "How To Make Her Squirt -- The Definitive Guide," a term that hasn't been less accurate since Kirk Cameron wrote the definitive guide on repressing your desire to suck dick.
How bad of a housekeeper are you that your dates can't achieve orgasm because they're too distracted by filth? Maybe try a position that faces her away from your pile of rotting raccoon carcasses. "Keep things tidy" isn't a sex tip; that's a basic life tip. Maybe we should go back further in the process and start with "graduate from junior high."
I'm not taking a trip to Home fucking Depot because of some statistic which you either made up or is useless because your study was held in a bedroom full of month-old pizza pockets. If you're so bad at sex that you need to perform home maintenance, you'd be better off installing a vibrating sex chair and then asking for a pity handy.
Are you saying it took you 10 years to bring your wife to orgasm? And speaking of that unfortunate woman ...
Should I take her somewhere clean and not spend a decade getting to first base?
Oh, it's about how to make my wife horny. Yeah, I can see how she'd suddenly be a lot less interested in me if I started reading Wingman Magazine.
Remind her of my existence and show interest in her? Am I trying to have sex with my wife or my stalking victim? I get that this hypothetical marriage is on the rocks, but if your partner feels unsafe in your presence, a lack of sex may be less important than the fact that you're beating her.
How did we even manage to get married if I have to be reminded to be supportive of her career? "Normally you'd mock the idea of a woman in the workplace, but you're horny and she gets upset when you spend the money she earns on call girls, so ..." I can't fault that second question, though. Getting a girl in the mood by making her think about her ailing mother has always worked for me.
"Honey, I called a plumber to fix the sink that's been spewing sewer water for a week. I'm not saying you have to blow me, but I think you'd agree that I've earned it."
"Don't trick her into falling asleep so you can molest her!" isn't martial advice. That's remedial prison therapy. What's next, "Remember that corpses aren't viable sexual partners for long"?
Because what other possible motivation could you have for raising your children? "Look, dear! I fulfilled the basic social contact we agreed to when we decided to bring new humans into this world! Now that they've stopped whining about food, do you want to lock them in their rooms for 10 minutes so I can make love at you?" I'm starting to think I could make your wife horny by calling social services. Just what kind of sociopaths are you writing these articles for?
Oh.
They Give Ridiculous, Irresponsible Advice
Bad sex and dating advice covers the Internet like water covers the Earth, but Wingman Magazine takes it into Noah's flood territory in "How To Talk Dirty To A Girl Over Text."
Who thought it was a good idea to type that paragraph, and how many flies buzz out of its mouth when it screeches in the Black Tongue? Wingman Magazine talks about the virtues of being a gentleman, but collecting nude pictures to send your bros is about as gentlemanly as challenging a quadriplegic to a fistfight.
I'd say there's a 70 percent chance that this writer has a corpse in his basement, and a 100 percent chance the corpse is there because she turned him down for a date. Any woman who still claims to respect a man after that apology is a cop working a sting operation to catch a serial rapist.
Behold the profound advice of "ask girls questions on a first date." This guy must have spent weeks reassembling his shattered mind when he learned that coffee shops exist and that people sometimes meet there to converse.
"She pocket"? I'm confident in saying that no one in human history has ever referred to a vagina as a "she pocket," and Urban Dictionary backs me up. Is the writer 12, and also a mentally handicapped alien?
He forgot the rest of her line, which reads: "I had no idea you were a middle-aged housewife who writes 50 Shades fanfiction in her spare time."
You're too lazy to text? I think that's why society invented porn, you slack-jawed moron. But then, I guess you're also why society invented prophylactics, so it's not a perfect system. What else can you get wrong?
Only four? You've already given more pieces of advice than that!
If she starts causing scenes, it's a sign she craves excitement? Are you sure she's not upset at you for texting her nude pictures to all your friends? I think what she's basically telling you is, "Listen to my words and stop looking for hidden meanings in every phrase. I speak the same goddamn language as you." Or hey, maybe she's just crazy. Chicks, am I right? What can you do?
Ah, okay. Ignore whatever she's upset about, take her on a roller coaster, and then upset her again by making her jealous. Isn't six a little young to be dating? But then, I guess I shouldn't have expected any better from the site responsible for:
They say the best revenge is to live well, but if you're reading Wingman Magazine, you can't really call what you're doing living.
Sick burn, guy who clearly has crippling emotional issues. Nothing makes a girl regret dumping you like being an asshole and demonstrating that you have the intellectual maturity of a renegade puppy.
Wait, that last tip was supposed to make her miss you? Because I guarantee that it's only going to make her work on her pepper spray aim. And no, you fucking lunatic, you don't get to use the "think about what you do with this power I gave you!" excuse to get out of any responsibility. That's why I'm going to be open about the fact that I think the people reading this should tell everyone they know that Wingman Magazine is made by and for emotionally manipulative psychopaths.
They Don't Understand Research
Wingman Magazine isn't just concerned with getting you mad laid. They also want to keep you healthy and hale so you can get madder laid. But their understanding of science is limited to "Wasn't that an Incubus album?"
All herbs are ancient, geniuses. We didn't discover parsley in 1997.
Don't recognize the word "Ayurvedic" because you're too busy going to an actual doctor? It's a form of traditional medicine that's been dismissed as a pseudoscience. Eating shatavari can have health benefits, sure, but you don't see Wingman Magazine writing flowery tributes to the power of Brussels sprouts.
It took me less than a minute to determine that those claims are nonsense. Do you just believe everything that's thrust in front of you? Is your site so terrible because your entire budget got tied up by Nigerian princes?
Wingman Magazine has an obsession with hair loss. Which is weird, considering their target audience just entered the period where more hair starts appearing.
Can you try that again in English? I know you save a ton of time by farming your content out to people still learning the language, but this reads like a dictionary exploded. Tell me, what is this mystical "sulfur" you speak of? Because the science of onion juice in regards to the hair growth is unfortunately inconclusive. Maybe you should have offered to pay your writers two shiny American pennies instead of just one.
Ah, now there's a topic that will actually be of use to Wingman Magazine's readers.
By the ancients? What, is this how Cthulhu got through Space Puberty? Come on, even Glamour figured out that slathering honey all over your face like you're Winnie the Pooh on a bender is a waste of time.
It's true that triclosan, which you spelled wrong, is present in acne medication -- but only as a preservative. Using it to combat acne would be like trying to get drunk by eating a bunch of fish swim bladders. There are "mixed opinions" in the sense that there's a bunch of unverified anecdotes on one side and actual thought that says toothpaste will make things worse on the other. That's like saying there are mixed opinions on the existence of Bigfoot, or climate change.
Let's bring it back to sex and "What Do Women Find Attractive in Men? -- 8 Scientifically Proven Traits," because anyone who actually buys the debunked nonsense of "alpha" and "beta" males is going to have some hilarious ideas.
Wow, nearly 50 percent! So over 50 percent would prefer a shorter man? Or over 50 percent just don't care? Because that's the opposite of mattering. I know statistics can be tricky, so let's try an easier one: 100 percent of Wingman Magazine's content reads like a copy of GQ that's been chewed up by a misogynistic goat.
Okay, I'm with you on this one, Wingman Magazine. So it's a real shame that ...
They Couldn't Tell A Joke To Save Their Lives
Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? To escape Wingman Magazine's terrible sense of humor!
Jesus, you call those jokes? Now I know what it looks like when a clown has an abortion. Wingman Magazine frequently stresses the importance of humour in picking up women, but I've seen orphanage fires that were funnier than these dipshits.
What the fuck are you even talking about? Are you dating a child? Is the emotional state you're trying to revert her to "too terrified to resist"? If this keeps up, I'm going to save Wingman Magazine in my bookmarks as "Sex Trafficking Ring" and send a message that reads "Hey FBI, I think they're going to rape everyone!"
It's like Dane Cook and Gallagher had a baby, and then left it to die in the wilderness. "Just came from the sex shop and I was wondering if you were still alive?" That's not a joke. That's a mad lib filled out by a stroke victim. Here, let me try one: "Just came from Wingman Magazine's X (website, Facebook page, Twitter feed, etc.), and boy do I feel the need to vomit blood! / rage against mankind's cultural decay! / get blackout drunk!" And note what tip came before those lines:
Yeah, no shit. And apparently, not everyone realizes that laughter isn't angry bleating prompted by egregious misuse of the English language.
If she has a sense of humor, then she'll start bleeding from every orifice, and that will be your chance to strike. Be careful, though, because she might counter with "Is your name Jeeves? Because I need to ask you to stay the fuck away from me."
This one comes from the "comedy is tragedy plus time" school of thought, in that once you've taken the time to think about how tragic this suggestion is, you'll be able to do nothing but laugh at the cruel vagaries of the universe.
How about "I thought he was the one when I spotted him masturbating in my garden, and then I was sure when I picked him out of the police lineup?"
Alright, that's kind of cute. I'm not heartless.
Wait, what are you plotting? Why do you keep going back to crime jokes? Are the authorities onto your sexual assaults?
The annoying, hideous elf monster who dies horribly? That's surprisingly self-reflective, Wingman Magazine. Especially for a site that thinks it's 2008.
It looks like all their base are belong to terrible analogies:
Hey Wingman Magazine, here's an analogy for you. Reading your website is like being in a car crash. There's a lot of appalling sights that will haunt you, and you're left wondering how you'll ever move on. But you take solace in the fact that it wasn't your fault that some drunk idiot ruined your life.
They Didn't Fucking Pay Me
I replied to their email with a request for clarification, because I wanted to be absolutely clear that I could write about anything I wanted and still get paid.
I waited 15 days and didn't get a response. It's rude and unprofessional to approach someone with a business deal and then go silent, but I forged ahead under the assumption they had all spilled Four Loko on their computers.
After several days without feedback, I was worried that I wasn't going to get my hard-earned money. But I tried again.
Three days later, I finally got a response. Because all the best websites take nearly a month to respond to emails regarding a business deal that they themselves proposed. Here's their passive-aggressive reply:
So we can add irony to the list of things Wingman Magazine doesn't understand. See, it would be ironic if I was writing articles about how to fuck bitches from the club with my goat-weed-enhanced manhood. It would be ironic if I went around claiming to have been published in The New Yorker when I haven't. And it would be ironic if I offered to pay people in exchange for services, then reneged when the requested service was fulfilled. But I don't do any of that, so it's not ironic. It's another term called "Me pointing out that you guys are a bunch of stupid assholes."
You promised me 100 dollars for an article that contained a link to your website, Wingman Magazine, and I delivered. In fact, I went above and beyond. You asked for a single measly link, and I've included 24. I'd say that's earned me a bonus, not a "Have a great day without the money we promised you!" So how about it? Do you think that for once in the history of your ignorant, misogynistic cancer of a website that you can be honest? If so, you know how to reach me.
You can read more from Mark at his website and the New Yorker.
Wingman Magazine might seem sketch but they're nothing compared to the NFL that smuggled a football team like a shipment of drugs in The 5 Shadiest Crimes Ever Pulled Off By Famous Corporations. And don't miss how record labels reduce sound quality to trick listeners in 5 Things Record Labels Don't Want You To Know They Do.
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