Schwarzenegger Did A Creepy Soft-Porn Travel Video In 1983
In 1983, Arnold Schwarzenegger teamed up with Playboy Entertainment to make an educational travel video about Carnival in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. At least, that was the intention. They wound up making something halfway between a manifesto on why Arnie loves Brazilian ass and an instructional guide on how to sexually assault co-workers.
You can watch the entire thing below (NSFW, as if you couldn't guess). It's a little over five minutes long, yet crams in more raw sexual aggression by a male actor than anything I've ever seen -- and I've watched all of Entourage.
The first minute and a half is mostly lingering shots of Rio's natural beauty -- its beaches, its vegetation, its gyrating tits and asses -- overlaid with Schwarzenegger's even-toned introductory voiceover, which could be confused for something from a David Attenborough nature documentary if only it didn't cram in two sets of exposed breasts before the opening titles.
Arnold's first stop is the Oba Oba night club, where he's treated to drinks and a dance show with his guide and interpreter, an attractive young woman who wears a petrified expression that perfectly captures what it's like to be cornered by a horny Austrian Sasquatch. In a moment that tells you everything you need to know about the inner workings of Arnold Schwarzenegger's brain, she tells him that Brazilians toast by clinking their glasses and saying the Portuguese word for "health," which Arnold mishears as "power." There isn't an accent on Earth in which the English word "health" sounds like the word "power." There's something symbolic in watching a clearly uncomfortable woman saying a word that represents well-being, but being misheard by an big man who thinks she said the word for the utter domination of the weak. Arnold Freudian-slipped words that came from someone else's mouth.
The woman (Who is never named. None of them are. I'll call this one Ana) explains to Arnold that American men like boobs, whereas Brazilian men prefer asses. Arnold uses this as an opportunity to turn his ass-based kinship with Brazilian men into the first of what very quickly snowballs into the thousands of sex atrocities he commits throughout the video. It begins simply, with an aggressively flirtatious chuckle in his own admission that he likes asses. Ana responds by nervously stirring her drink so aggressively that she might be trying to create a tornado that will fling her thousands of miles away.
As a dancer approaches, Arnold turns his hands into goggles and starts nodding with his mouth open, like he's a pit bull whose thirst can only be quenched by Brazilian ass.
This moment held such poignancy that Arnold needed the weight and flowery verbiage of his Attenborough-esque narration to truly capture it: "You know something -- after watching the mulatas shake it, I can absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass." The future governor of California has the observations of a 13-year-old who cites PornHub's Brazilian fart porn channel in the bibliography of his geography report on Rio.
After quickly proving that South America will lose 87 percent of its chlamydia the moment his plane departs, Arnold is invited on stage to dance. You can see the moment he realizes this dancing thing isn't really working out for him. Quick thinker that he is, on the spot he comes up with a brilliant three-stage plan to save face:
Stage 1: Grope one dancer's ass while spinning her to create a turnstile which alternates between horny joy and abject fear.
Stage 2: Start humping another dancer from behind, much to her displeasure.
Stage 3: Shove your face directly into the crotch of the third dancer and perform a head-bobbing motion that looks like you're sucking on her protruding vagina.
With all three accomplished, Arnold wins dancing. Raise your trophy aloft, Mr. Universe!
With the scene awash in a dreamy haze that lets us know we're about to watch a walking boner's actual sex fantasy, Arnold sits down for a mentally stimulating lunch with a beautiful Portuguese language teacher who was tragically born without a name. I'll call her Sofia. Sofia teaches Arnold the word amore, meaning love. Perhaps to show off a little, Arnie whips out a word he learned the day before: bunda, a Portuguese slang term for ass. Left on the cutting room floor was footage of Arnold showing off more Portuguese words he learned the day before, like "E. coli" and "pinkeye."
His commitment to their cultural exchange compels him to teach Sofia the word "biting." He even gives a little demonstration by snapping into a carrot. From there, the two get lost in a wonderful afternoon exchanging ideas, teaching each other words and phrases of their homelands -- or in Arnold's case, adopted homeland. They laugh and think. They learn and bond. Lunch becomes dinner and dinner becomes dessert. When they're done scraping their plates clean of delicious flan, they walk away intellectually satisfied and spiritually enriched.
None of that happens. Instead he mouth-fucks her with a carrot while moaning "Yes ..." indicating to the head of wardrobe that he just ruined another pair of child-sized Bermuda shorts.
A used VHS copy was available on Amazon for $159.99 just a couple of days before I turned in this column, only to be replaced by a new listing for $189.99. VHS copies of this thing are the new Bitcoin. Stock up, then sell them off to pay your kid's way through college. This five-minute sizzle reel of horrifying misogynistic behavior was available for purchase on Amazon before Arnold ran for governor of California back in 2003. There are still some reviews dating back to that more shameful time, when a man who was caught on tape treating women like sexual puppets for his pleasure could win elected office. Some say it's corn dogs, but I think learning from past mistakes is what truly makes the human race great.
On July 4, 2003, four months before Californians chose Schwarzenegger to be their new governor, an anonymous Amazon user left a five-star review titled "Arnold's Intelligence Truely Shines (sarcasm)" just days before another reviewer said, "If you are an Arnold fan and like the idea of Girls gone wild, get this one." The highlight of a review from 2005 titled "The Pervinator" points out that "the camera must be manned by a 13 yr old boy because I have never seen such long genital shots before." Another, going even further back to 1997, is just one word. It just says "END" -- all caps, no punctuation. Five-star review. All four of its reviews give it five stars, and not one of them have anything good to say about it.
I had to know more, so I scrounged up what little information exists out there about Carnival In Rio. Everyone involved in the production except Playboy and Schwarzenegger is a legitimate documentarian. It was the first thing one of the production companies behind it ever made, then they spent the next 20 years producing biographies of old Hollywood stars and historical documentaries for PBS. I figured it was directed by a sleazy early '80s porn impresario who thought celebrity travel docs would be a great way to sneak full penetration into America's living rooms. But it wasn't. The director's name is Shep Morgan. He produced a lot of boring stuff for PBS, including a bunch of stage plays during his work on the series American Playhouse. One of his early credits was as the production manager on a seminal Cuban-American sitcom produced by PBS's Miami affiliate called Que Pasa, USA?, which I used to watch as a kid. The director of the video wherein Arnold Schwarzenegger mouth-fucks a teacher with produce was partially responsible for my upbringing. Jesus.
Everyone in this production is trying to tell the fascinating story of the cultural significance of one of the biggest parties in the world, but Playboy and Schwarzenegger kidnapped these PBS dorks and made them film softcore porn and sexual assaults. I could easily imagine these stuffy documentarians telling Arnold to nod thoughtfully while Brazilians spoke with passion about what Carnival means to them, but then falling apart the second he starts fondling their tits mid-answer.
"No, Mister Schwarzenegger! We told you to ask your questions and nod! Ask and nod! That's it!"
"BUT HOW CAAN I BE EXPECTED TO IKNORE DER BEAUTIFUL TITTIES?! I AM THE UNIVERSE!"
"No, you're Mister Universe, Mister Schwarzenegger. And it's more of a ceremonial title."
"LOOK, I KNOW YOU DWEEBS WANT TO MAKE DOCUMENTTREES ABOUT MARTIN LUTHER AND THE GREEKS, BUT STOP BEING BABIES AND POINT DEE CAMERA AT HER ASSHOLE."
Luis still thinks it's corn dogs. You can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
Want a musclebound role model who won't let you down? There's always Stretch Armstrong! His arms (and his morals) will never give out!
If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more.
For more, check out My Crazy Life As Arnold Schwarzeneggar's Stunt Double and 27 Disappointing Ads By Celebrities Who Should Know Better.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out All Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies Are In The Same Terminator Universe, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook, if you want to live.
What The Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel Of Cosmic Horror, the third book in David Wong's John Dies At The End series, is available now!
