If Age Of Ultron Was 10 Times Shorter And Way More Honest
FADE IN:
EXT. HYDRA FORTRESS - FAKE EUROPE
We open on an UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE as CHRIS HEMSWORTH, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., CHRIS EVANS, GREEN MARK RUFFALO, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and JEREMY RENNER storm a HYDRA base and straight-up MURDER tons of regular, non-superpowered people in the world's LEAST-FAIR FIGHT.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Oh look, I'm back with my catalog of specialized suits.
This completely invalidates everything that happened in Iron Man 3,
so I guess everyone can just skip that one.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Verily, Thor 2 is similarly without merit or consequence!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
And Guardians took place in outer space, so it doesn't affect
what's going on either.
CHRIS EVANS
OK, but Winter Soldier is totally important. It established that
Hydra has been infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D. for half a century! Of course,
it's been completely dismantled now and this is the very last base
that we're about to destroy ... shit. Is Phase 2 the Danny DeVito
to Phase 1's Schwarzenegger?
GREEN MARK RUFFALO
ENTIRE PHASE 2 CAN BE IGNORED, NEXT MOVIE ALL ABOUT
SMALL BUG MAN AND NOBODY CARE!
JEREMY RENNER
Of course, if you want to know why we're even assaulting this
fortress, you should watch 41 hours of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. to see
the 65 seconds at the end of Season 2, Episode 19 where Cobie Smulders
holy shit this bubble is going to burst really soon isn't it?
ROBERT shoots a MISSILE at the fortress that fails to penetrate its FORCE FIELD, but then he just SHOOTS THE FORCE FIELD because HYDRA never got around to watching RETURN OF THE JEDI.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
All right guys, I'm inside the fortress. Have we figured out a
justification for the nearly invincible Norse god not to be
doing this instead of me?
CHRIS EVANS
(over radio)
Yes, he's carrying Jeremy Renner back to the ship because
he got injured. Damn, Hawkeye still sucks.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Perfect, I'll just go ahead and find ...
(consults notes)
Loki's sceptre? Geez, again?
ROBERT finds LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SCEPTRE, pulsating with MIND-CONTROL POWER that will surely be put to EXCELLENT DRAMATIC USE.
Suddenly, AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN sneak up behind him, and ELIZABETH users her powers of MIND CONTROL HOLY FUCK WHEDON THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
You have used vague powers to make metal man die, yes?
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Nyet, I see that allowing him to succeed vill ultimately
cause destruction for moose and squirrel, so I leave alone.
Gave him nightmare for use in many trailer. Has broken
Captain America shield and everythink, fanboys will love.
The TEAM returns to NEW YORK, about 4,000 MILES AWAY, but that's at least a 3-HOUR FLIGHT, so ...
IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AVENGERS TOWER - REAL NEW YORK CITY
ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC SCEPTRE while everyone else is CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Mark, this sceptre has a neural computer in it or some shit.
I want to experiment with it; just give me three days.
MARK RUFFALO
Why are you asking me? Hemsworth already said OK,
though who the hell knows why ...
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super advanced
robot AI to protect the world from aliens? Well, this technology
from those exact same aliens, used by the leader of those aliens to
nearly destroy us all, might be the key to stopping future aliens!
I'm going to load the computer stuff and see what happens.
MARK RUFFALO
What?! Are you seriously the dipshit that finds a random
USB key in your office parking lot and immediately
plugs it into your work computer?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
OK, I ran not_a_virus.exe. Now let's go party.
A.I. Paul Bettany can finish this up.
(leaves with Mark)
A.I. PAUL BETTANY, aware of Marvel's recent track record, dutifully makes countless attempts to create a memorable, interesting new villain before finally deciding FUCK IT I'M JUST GONNA STUFF JAMES SPADER'S AUDITION TAPE FOR THE BLACKLIST INTO A MURDERBOT, STILL BETTER THAN FUCKING MALLAKESH.
INT. PARTY ROOM
ROBERT and MARK rejoin the others and drink and do cool AVENGERS STUFF together like BEST BUDS as if it's NO BIG DEAL, when SUDDENLY ...
ROBOT JAMES SPADER
Greetings Avengers! I am an evil robot bent on the
destruction of all humanity, but don't worry about
me being menacing or machine-like -- I still do the whole
sarcastic-quip thing like the rest of everyone Joss Whedon
writes dialogue for. Also, I killed JARVIS in a ridiculous scene
where two different-colored sets of blocks glowed at each other.
Hollywood's grasp of technology is firmly stuck in the '90s.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Oh no, but JARVIS is how I interact with my suits, he's
how I process data, he runs pretty much all aspects of my
superheroing -- without him I won't have an endless supply of
lazy narrative cheats. Just kidding, I've loaded up a
replacement JARVIS, and it's a girl.
Suddenly, a bunch of BROKEN IRON MAN ROBOTS, now controlled by JAMES SPADER, attack! They are dispatched effortlessly, since their primary function was WALKING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.
ROBOT JAMES SPADER
Mwahaha, behold, the "Age Of Ultron" has begun! It will
last five days. "Work Week Of Ultron" didn't test well.
(flies away)
COBIE SMULDERS
Right. My job now is to hand people folders while walking,
so here's a folder with a picture of Andy Serkis in it.
Go find him.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Serkis! He smuggles vibranium out of the fictional African
nation of Wakanda! He uses it to create counterfeit
Best Actor Oscars since he can't get a real one --
BOOM, you just got put on blast Serkis; motion capture
isn't real acting you punk bitch!
CHRIS EVANS
Then we have no choice but to abandon the America-centric
locales of the first Avengers film and travel to faraway,
exotic lands, none of which actually exist! To Wakanadia!
INT. VIBRANIUM SMUGGLING FACILITY - FAKE AFRICA
CHRIS, OTHER CHRIS, and ROBERT all go to WAKANDA, which is the MOST TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED COUNTRY in the ENTIRE MARVEL UNIVERSE, but since it's in AFRICA it still has DIRT ROADS and tons of VIOLENT THUGS with MACHINE GUNS. They confront ROBOT JAMES SPADER, who has already dismissed the ANDY SERKIS CAMEO and enlisted the help of AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
All right Spader, we're taking you down. As an engineer, your
weirdly flexible chrome skin mouth offends me. Fucking
Transformers did robot mouths better -- why do your lips even move?
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
Not so vast! I am Qvicksilver and have power of super-speed!
As Days Of Vuture Past show, I am ludicrously owerpowered
and can easily-
(knocks himself out)
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Behold, I am the Scarlet Witch, with the power to make
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen regret every career decision
they've ever made! Also brain stuff and red things!
ELIZABETH gives everyone NIGHTMARES or VISIONS or PROBABILITIES or WHATEVER NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Suddenly, MARK RUFFALO turns into GREEN MARK RUFFALO because M-M-M-M-M-MIND CONTROL.
HULK RUFFALO
RAARRRGH HULK SEE FUTURE WHERE UNIVERSAL STILL OWN
RIGHTS TO HULK SOLO FILM! PLANET HULK OFF TABLE!
HULK SMASH ENTIRE CITY!!!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Time to bring down my larger Iron Man suit that wraps
around my normal Iron Man suit like a hilarious Russian
doll, but nobody is going to laugh because all the sweaty
neckbeards in the audience are squealing
"HULKBUSTERRRRR" right now!
ROBERT and MARK proceed to MAN OF STEEL their way through DOWNTOWN WAKANDA.
CHADWICK BOSEMAN
(not present)
Eventually ROBERT throws an ENTIRE BUILDING at MARK so he takes a NAP.
INT. QUINJET
COBIE SMULDERS
So yeah, everyone's pretty upset about how you annihilated
that city. But just give it a few days until that
fuckawful Supergirl TV trailer comes out and HOO BOY,
this little mess will be forgotten faster than Terrence Howard.
JEREMY RENNER
We can all hide out at my family farm! I've kept it
totally under the radar by making Hawkeye so boring
and useless that people forgot all about me.
And hey, worst case, my wife and kids die.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I wouldst love to, but I wilt find Stellan Skarsgard
so he may help me find a pool ... that gives ...
uh, visions? Apologies, the whole of this subplot
clearly wound up on the cutting-room floor and everyone
just gaveth up; is there a Razzie for Worst Editing?
The team dick around on the FARM for a while. Upstairs, MARK has just finished scrubbing the green paint from behind his ears when SCARLETT walks in.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I need to tell you something, Mark. As a child I was
brainwashed and psychologically tortured to become
an unfeeling killing machine. My humanity was stripped
away, and as a final insult they performed invasive surgery
against my will. So what I'm saying is that I have terrible,
deep-seated scars that, like many victims, lead me to
feel bad about myself.
MARK RUFFALO
Wow, that's some deep shit to be dropping into a popcorn
escapist blockbuster. We'd better be real careful how we-
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I HAVE NO WOMB WHO'S THE MONSTER NOW?
MARK RUFFALO
Aww fuck, let's abruptly change the subject -- hey I bet
Spader is going to Korea to have Claudia Kim build
him a vibranium-skinned body!
CHRIS EVANS
What the fudge?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Just go with it. Joss Whedon was told to cut four hours
out of this movie; you're lucky we still say
complete sentences.
INT. MEDICAL RESEARCH FACILITY - EAST KOREA
ROBOT JAMES SPADER has convinced CLAUDIA KIM to join his ranks with a well-reasoned argument, or perhaps he's got her family held hostage and is demanding she comply, or NAH FUCK IT MMMMMMMMMIND CONTROL AGAIN.
CLAUDIA KIM
Your new robot body is being synthesized. It's purple
for some reason, and it looks like Paul Bettany,
who was announced as Vision and has been providing
the voice of JARVIS for five movies. Gosh, I wonder
what will happen.
JAMES SPADER
Perfect, soon I will be able to use this body to finish
my master plan to destroy the planet using a device
that doesn't depend on my having this body in any way!
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Did you say destroy planet? I am part of planet, so I am Avenger now.
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
Da, I am also Avenger now. Who could guess red-eyed
robot voiced by creepy actor is bad guy?
Suddenly, SPADER'S UPLOAD of his brain into PURPLE PAUL BETTANY is CANCELED as HALF OF THE AVENGERS show up. There's an extended MATRIX RELOADED CAR CHASE that ends with SPADER getting away with SCARLETT and THE AVENGERS getting PURPLE PAUL BETTANY.
CHRIS EVANS
Well, we prevented Krang here from getting a new body
and we lost the only female member, but we've added
three new Avengers to the roster, so I'd say this
was a net win for Hasbro.
JEREMY RENNER
Oh good, just what this franchise needed, more superheroes.
Let's turn that mailbox into a superhero too.
Maybe this hubcap?
The TEAM returns to NEW YORK, about 6,800 MILES AWAY, but that's at least a 4.5-HOUR FLIGHT, so ...
IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AVENGERS TOWER - NEW YORK CITY
ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC ROBOT while everyone else is CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Mark, this robot has an infinity stone in it or some shit.
I want to experiment with it; just give me three hours.
MARK RUFFALO
Wait, what's happening right now?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super
advanced team to protect the world from murderous robots?
Well, this technology from those exact same robots, used
by the leader of those robots to nearly destroy us all,
might be the key to stopping future robots! I'm going to
turn it on and see what happens.
MARK RUFFALO
This feels really familiar ...
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
OK, I'm running not_a_murderbot.exe. Now let's go party-
CHRIS EVANS
Not so fast! Just what do you think you're doing, Robert?
What on Earth makes this different from the last time
you did this? No, seriously, can you explain it?
I feel like something got cut out again, and I'm lost.
MARK RUFFALO
It's different because the gem is yellow instead of blue, Chris!
Holy shit, I'm defending this? This is so contrived.
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
I vill use super-speed to stop from happening!
JEREMY RENNER
Not if I have anything to say about it! Wait, I'm in favor
of this too? And did I just use a bullet instead of
an arrow? What the hell is going on here?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
(flying in)
VERILY I KNOW NOT WHAT THE FUCK STAGE YOUR EXPERIMENT
HAS REACHED BUT I'M GONNA JUST ELECTROCUTE SHIT
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!
(zaps every fucking thing)
PURPLE PAUL BETTANY pops out!
PURPLE PAUL BETTANY
Have no fear, Avengers. I only got the good parts of Spader,
and the good parts of the mind gem. And maybe JARVIS?
Also I can fly, because robot stuff. And hell, I can
just make a cape appear on me, why the fuck not?
CHRIS EVANS
So are you a good robot? Your eyes aren't red,
so my guess is that you are.
PURPLE PAUL BETTANY
I don't think it's that simple, but yes it's that simple.
I'm totally good. Let's kill Ultron! With kindness!
And head lasers.
JEREMY RENNER
Ultron has returned to the only other location we've
been to in this movie! Wow, how did we not think
to look there? Anyway, he has an army of robots,
and we have to stop him.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
So just like last time, we have to fight a huge army
of weak henchmen in the middle of a big city?
Is it time to admit that the MCU has matured
past the capabilities of Joss Whedon now?
CHRIS EVANS
This is different. Last time it was an army of actual living,
breathing aliens, which somehow all died when we
blew up the central ship. This time, it's actual machines,
which you'd expect to shut down if we killed Spader,
but in fact have to be dealt with individually.
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
Before we go, can I change out of gym clothes? No, I wear
track suit for rest of movie because I am Russian?
EXT. DOWNTOWN FAKE EUROPE
JAMES SPADER has used the VIBRANIUM to build a giant JET PACK for the city of SOKOSLOVAKIASTAN, which is now floating in mid-air.
CHRIS EVANS
All right Avengers, it's time for the brain-numbing action
climax that plays out almost identically to every
other Marvel movie. Hemsworth, I need you to go away
for a while so that nobody remembers how you could
effortlessly just electrocute all of these robots
and end this battle.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
The usual, understood.
(leaves)
CHRIS EVANS
Mark, go find Scarlett Johansson. James Spader left her
alive for absolutely no reason, it's ridiculous.
MARK RUFFALO
On it. And I promise I won't turn green, I'll just grab
Scarlett and we'll move away and live together
and not help stop the world from being destroyed.
Superheroes!
(leaves)
CHRIS EVANS
Robert, I need you to fly around pointlessly and explain
over and over what Spader's plan is until it
stops sounding idiotic.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Yes sir! He's going to lift up this entire city and then
drop it and kill the planet, and I've got my work
cut out for me, huh? You sure you wouldn't rather
I just detonate an EMP and end all this? Whatever.
(leaves)
CHRIS EVANS
The rest of you, come with me. Priority 1 is to get the
civilians to safety. You hear that, Zack Snyder?
This whole third act is a big fat middle finger to you.
JAMES SPADERBOT
BWAH HA! Tremble before my awesome new vibranium body,
which appears to be exactly as strong and resilient
as my previous body!
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
Is just me or is crazy that darker, more mature Avengers
movie still has no stakes because nobody die?
Suddenly, CHRIS EVANS, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., SCARLETT JOHANSSON, JEREMY RENNER, DON CHEADLE, ANTHONY MACKIE, PAUL BETTANY, and ELIZABETH OLSEN are confirmed for CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR. MARK RUFFALO rumored.
AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON
Oh.
(dies)
You did not see this coming? Crap, I have five lines in
movie and two are same. I've been Hawkeyed.
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Noooooooo my brother is dead!
JEREMY RENNER
Oh, like Sebastian Stan from Captain America? Or Clark Gregg
from Avengers? Or Gwyneth Paltrow from Iron Man 3?
Or Tom Hiddleston from Thor 2? Or Sam Jackson from
Captain America 2? Or Vin Diesel from Guardians Of The Galaxy?
ELIZABETH OLSEN
Nyet, actually dead. Like "we can't top X-Men's Quicksilver, so fuck it" dead.
CHRIS EVANS
OK, but we can obviously revive him with Project T.A.H.I.T.I.,
which was specifically developed to "revive fallen Avengers"
and has been shown to have no negative side effects
when applied to Inhumans, which you almost certainly both are.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Or once Thanos comes and we find the time gem, we can just undo it.
PURPLE PAUL BETTANY
Or you could use your powers of altering probabilities
or whatever the fuck you do to bring him back.
MARK RUFFALO
Or we could upload his consciousness into a computer or a robot
or a life model decoy. These are all actually things.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Holy hell comic books are asinine. Why are people acting like
we're not witnessing the death throes of filmmaking?
Everyone gathers in the middle of the city to play TOWER DEFENSE with an onslaught of robots that ELIZABETH OLSEN could instantly vaporize with her mind. Eventually, all of the robots are dead except JAMES SPADER. Then JAMES SPADER is too! Maybe!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
The day is won! Now I must away to collect my deleted scenes
and rework them into Thor 3!
GREEN MARK RUFFALO
HULK FLY JET AWAY BUT NOT INTO STARS! PLANET HULK NOT HAPPENING.
STOP TWEETING PUNY MARK RUFFALO!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I've decided to retire as Iron Man, once again. Perhaps I'll go
into politics, wink wink, franchise building.
CHRIS EVANS assembles a team of NEW AVENGERS consisting of ANTHONY MACKIE, DON CHEADLE, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, ELIZABETH OLSEN, and PURPLE PAUL BETTANY.
CHRIS EVANS
OK, I got two black guys, two women, and a robot. That should
keep the bleeding-heart pinko Commies satisfied ... until
this team horribly fucks up and starts the Civil War, of course!
(deep breath)
Avengers ... assem-
END
JOSS WHEDON winks so hard that his eyeball breaks. After some credits ...
JOSH BROLIN
Mwa-ha-ha, I am Thanos and my movie doesn't come out until 2018.
Will you be able to see the payoff to all of these stupid
teases, or will superhero fatigue set in after the releases
of Ant-Man, Fantastic Four, Deadpool, Batman 5 Superman,
Captain America 3 aka Avengers 2.5, X-Men: Apocalypse,
Suicide Squad with Marilyn Manson as The Joker, Gambit starring Magic Mike,
Doctor Strange starring Khan, Wolverine 3, Guardians Of The Galaxy 2,
Wonder Woman maybe, Spider-Man reboot reboot, Fantastic Four 2 yes really,
Thor 3, Justice League, and the Flash movie that isn't
affiliated with the TV show? You're all doomed! DOOOOOMED!
END
Nothing else happens after the credits. People look pissed.
END
For more movie summaries, check out If 'Avengers' Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest and If 'Dark Knight Rises' Was 10 Times Shorter and More Honest.
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