Why We Should Boycott The New Star Wars Film (It's The Scar)
You guys see this horseshit????
For those of you who aren't #FakeFans, the so-called "director" of the next Star Wars movie decided to "move" Kylo Ren's face scar a little to the right, in what is just the latest effort in their ongoing attempt to RUIN EVERYTHING WE FUCKING ENJOY by pissing all over ANOTHER classic Star Wars movie that we grew up loving.
Granted, I was 32 when Force Awakens came out, but I was still technically "growing up." (We're all aging all the time, really.) And it was a very formative period of my early-30s-hood. I'll never forget jammin' out to "Uptown Funk," being obsessed with a little TV show called "a couple seasons ago of Walking Dead," and most of all, LOVING The Force Awakens. It's all stuff that other people who were 32 in 2015 definitely remember.
"They BETTER not move that fucking scar in the next film," I recall thinking at the time, then screaming it out loud verbatim multiple times at gawking passers-by. I TEARED UP as my six-year-old niece, who'd never seen a Star Wars film, turned to me and said "Someday, I want to be just like Rey, and also Kylo Ren's scar placement was accurate and should remain consistent in future sequels." Now you're gonna RIP THAT AWAY from a whole new generation of fans, and more importantly me?
First, you make Han Solo fucking TELEPORT to the side while Greedo "shoots first." Then you shit out that neon CG vomit you call "prequels." (Yeah, that's right, they SHIT out the vomit. That's how bad it was.) And now, just when I think you can't get any lower, you "magically" move the ICONIC face scar of a legendary villain after it was on his face for at least nine seconds in one movie?? What's next, giving Chewie a rainbow Mohawk and deleting Luke from the entire canon? While we're improving classic shit, why don't I just dump a bucket of teal paint on Starry Night, then wrap the painting around my dick and fuck BEETHOVEN'S CORPSE through the earhole? Cause that is LITERALLY what you're doing.
That's why I'm starting a boycott of the next Star Wars film, which you can support by adding your vote to www.change.org/boycott-star-wars-nose-scar-change. I've got our slogan narrowed down to three angry chants:
1) "BRIDGE OF THE NOSE or NOBODY GOES!"
2) "MOVING THE SCAR is GOING TOO FAR!"
3) "KYLO REN'S FACE was PERFECT AS-IS, SO STOP CHANGING SHIT, YOU FUCKING OVERLY MEDDLING DICKFUCKS. SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID FAMILIES FOR NOT TALKING YOU OUT OF IT, AND FOR BEING SHITTY FAMILIES / PEOPLE IN GENERAL! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID FUCK YOUR KIDS. WHY'D I BRING YOUR KIDS INTO THIS? BECAUSE FUCK THEM, THAT'S WHY. The scar was fine." *Then 17 minutes of booing.*
Although I guess they could probably find a way to explain the moving scar within the story. Star Wars isn't technically science fiction -- it's fantasy. So there are fantastical elements that don't have to be explained with literal physics. But STILL, they can't just say "anything goes." Unless ... maybe the First Order has skilled surgeon-droids who can proficiently patch up human faces? Especially if that person's strong with the Force, which helps the healing? They can reattach hands pretty expertly. And Kylo Ren wears a mask anyway, so he wouldn't need to totally remove the scar -- just patch it up so it doesn't obstruct his breathing and keep reopening all the time. I guess ... yeah, then it would make some sense.
So, fine. I'll still see the next Star Wars film, as I am a completionist. But I and my childhood will NOT be happy about it. And if you guys so much as BRUSH UP AGAINST those two charming antennae on BB-8's little robo-head, then so help me, I am DONE using fiction to experience joy.
Dan Hopper is an editor for Cracked, previously for CollegeHumor and BestWeekEver.tv. He fires off consistent A-minus tweets at @DanHopp.
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