9 Things You Can Eat When You're Hungry and at a Porn Store
Not so long ago, I fed myself from a Canadian dollar store, and while that was all fine and good, the fact is that dollar stores do sell food, so at the end of the day, while depressing, it wasn't as insane as I wanted it to be. I wanted a Bear Grylls experience of the modern wilds. I wanted to survive in a place no man has any business surviving in. Canada wasn't the answer. Porn was.
You may or may not be aware of this, but porn stores offer a wide array of products for the discerning pervert. Sure, there are DVDs and even VHS tapes of people putting their floppy parts in other peoples' squishy parts, but there are also rubber dongs, furry handcuffs, wooden spanking tools, plastic women, and curious edibles. Porn stores sell food. Sort of.
Could you make a meal of the things you found in a porn store? Would you want to? Is anything even remotely worth eating? These questions needed answers. I'm your huckleberry.
There are far more things at an adult novelty store that are meant to be ingested than I would have guessed. I actually had to limit myself on some products just to keep the list from getting too out of hand, and also because I didn't want to waste too much money on this. I opted for what I felt was a balanced amount of products that offered both variety and hilarity. And, as it would later turn out, stomach-turning vileness.
Grape Soda and Green Apple Fizz Lube
These little guys were about $1 each, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try what I assumed to be the worst flavors available. I'm all for novelty, but keep in mind that just about everything here is meant to be served on a crotch. When crotch is your plate, your palate needs to be refined ever so slightly.
For the purposes of this experiment, I was of course not eating off of crotch, as I couldn't bend that far and didn't have the cojones to ask for a volunteer to help me. Plus, and this is key, you don't want to eat most of these things, so had I actually had a partner, things would have turned out poorly for all of us.
Easing myself into the experiment, I popped out the green apple lube and squirted a blast into my mouth. It tasted like someone had melted down a sour apple Jolly Rancher and mixed it with mineral oil. The flavor was intense and entirely unwanted. Who wants sour apple groin in their face anyway? Should sour be the go-to flavor for anything during sex?
The grape soda flavor lived up to its name entirely too well. It tasted like grape Kool-Aid, which, again, is not something I'm ready to associate with sexy times. I associate Kool-Aid with being 6 and stupid and in need of something to drink because water is boring. Now I will also have in the back of my mind the fear that someone is walking around with grape balls.
Weenie Linguine Penis Pasta
Aside from being clearly hilarious, the penis pasta looked like it might be the most mundane item of the bunch. At the end of the day, it's no different from macaroni, really. Even pornographers couldn't fuck up pasta. At least I hoped not. I put a pot on to boil while I returned to my table of offensiveness.
Chocolate Body Paint
This stuff came in a small glass jar with its own foam spear. Why a foam spear? I assume it's like a paintbrush for doodling dicks and dinosaurs on your partner, but they felt this would be better than something with bristles. I jammed it into the tiny opening and pulled out a sticky, brown solution. It tasted a lot like store brand chocolate syrup, a whole lot of ungodly sweetness riding on a chocolate wave. There's a lot of sugar in this stuff, and it's vaguely gritty and slimy. I don't want to keep licking it off my foam spear. It shall join the lube.
Blueberry Cheesecake Lube
I have to confess, there was a reason for picking this particular flavor of lube. The company that makes it has a damn near endless chain of flavors; there must have been three dozen or more to choose from. I chose blueberry cheesecake because I literally couldn't think of a more disgusting flavor to include in sex. Is "cheese" a word you even want in the room when you have sex? Cheese? You want some cheese dick, do ya? Fuck no.
Cheesecake is not a sex food, and don't let anyone tell you different. If you need to fuck some dessert, grab a pie. Hell, use ice cream if dairy needs to be involved. But never cheesecake. That's gross.
Anyway, the bottle of cheesecake lube was pretty big, so I figured why not go for the gold and just take a shot. You would never consume this much lube in one sitting, probably, but then again, who am I to dictate what you do with your mouth during an intimate and well-lubricated moment with a friend?
A fun fact I learned during this portion of my experiment is why you don't do shots of blueberry cheesecake lube. You don't do it because blueberry cheesecake lube is one of the most revolting substances ever granted unpleasant viscosity by man. I felt like I was sucking the life force from the gelatinous eyeball of an Oompa Loompa as the vaguely sweet and entirely too sour melange of fake fruit with a pungent cheese kicker sharted its way into my very being like a sensory juggernaut keen on making me regret every stupid idea I have for articles.
It was as though I was trapped in a Valvoline commercial directed by Satan where the oil coats the inside of an engine during a diagram, only this time it was coating my esophagus and lungs and guts with a thick, sloppy layer of wretchedness. What beast could even maintain an erection with this taste in the room? This was not a flavor to enhance sex; this was a sensory abuse to accompany waterboarding.
Long story short, I vomited.
Tropical Flavored Condoms Three-Pack
After a lengthy break and a few glasses of water, I was ready to return to work. The three-pack of condoms was my next destination, and let me start by saying that "tropical fruit" has a distinct meaning. When you say "tropical," it's not an implication that you are referencing the tropics; it's a direct claim. "Tropical" means something in the neighborhood of the equator. Tropical fruits are therefore things like bananas and pineapples. This shitty box of condoms was strawberry, apple, and banana flavored.
I tried the apple, since I already had a frame of reference for apple from that terrible lube earlier. If you're wondering how one taste tests a condom, let me assure you I did what you think I did. I popped that son of a bitch in my mouth like a piece of gum and chewed on it. I'm not ashamed. I should be, but I'm not.
Flavored condoms have less flavor than a Chiclet. For 10 seconds I had the very vague sense of fake apple candy, and then I was just chewing on a green condom, tasting my own spit and sense of loss. If this was all I was going to get, I was in no hurry to try the other two flavors. I spat that condom out and moved on.
Cherry Edible Panties
I have known of the existence of edible underwear for years. I can't even recall where or how I came to know that they exist. I'd never seen them in person before now, but it's just one of those things you pick up somewhere. I was kind of excited for this one.
As you can see, the product in the box was underwhelming. That's a paper-thin plastic sleeve with a red square. It had pretty much no mass at all. Open it up and look what you get.
I guess panties are designed for a few purposes that take either form or function into account. Sexy panties are all about form. Granny panties are about function. So too are edible panties, because this looked like someone cut a jock strap out of a red garbage bag. It felt as flimsy as Saran Wrap and looked like maybe the sort of thing you'd get in a Third World country to protect your dignity in an outdoor hospital.
The curious thing about edible panties is that they not only look like a red garbage bag, but also taste like one, lightly dusted with actual dust. This feels exactly like plastic in your mouth, except, after a solid 30 seconds of reluctant chewing, it begins to melt. And it may have been cherry flavored, but the texture was unpleasant enough to ensure that I wasn't going to actually ingest the thing.
Candy Bra
Remember candy necklaces from when you were a kid? That's what this is. Just a giant mass of candy arranged into a bra shape, which appeared to be an A cup. Hey, ladies, who wants to have their boobs squished by some dusty, stale candy? Because I've got something in a drawer here for you.
The candy itself was, as I said, stale and a little dusty, I assume because it's produced in some kind of Eastern European sweatshop under the watchful eye of a sweaty compulsive masturbator who wears short-sleeve shirts with ties all the time. I ate two of the candy circles, then noticed that a number of the candy pieces appeared to have had some kind of liquid sprayed on them in the past and then dried off, leaving little spots everywhere. I refused to speculate about what caused this.
Peter Licker Banana Oral Sex Gel
I guess this product is for ladies, but of course anyone who wants to put a gel-coated penis in their mouth is sure to hate it. If you ever had a fluoride treatment at the dentist, you know what this experience is like, minus the little tray that affixes it to your teeth.
There's something curious about the taste of artificial banana I've never understood. Go ahead and eat a banana and then some artificial banana, and the first thing you'll notice is how artificial banana literally tastes nothing like a real banana. Despite this, we all know artificial banana is supposed to be banana, maybe only because the label tells us so. But for real, it tastes nothing like a banana at all. It tastes like yellow disappointment.
Dicklicks Pecker Shaped Gum
I think bubblegum was accidentally invented by cavemen, and the formula has been pretty stable since then. Despite that, this gum was jacked beyond belief. The key to any gum, regardless of flavor, is the actual gum-like quality of the gum. It should be gummy. This stuff, despite being shaped like tiny wangs (and being exceptionally hard to get out of the container, by the way), fell apart like the contents of the Ark when exposed to air. A couple of chews and my mouth was coated in chalky, sort of minty spit-mud.
The filth purveyors had messed up the formula for gum. Oh, for shame.
Weenie Linguine: Revisited
When my pasta had reached a nice al dente, I drained the water and popped those floppy little boners into a bowl with some cheese. All things being equal, it was a pretty decent lunch. Compared to shots of blueberry cheesecake lube, it was pretty much fine dining.
After-Dinner Thoughts
Sex and food arguably go well together, or at least we want to believe that. And there are some sexy-time foods out there like whipped cream and butternut squash, but one thing is tragically apparent, and that is that not all sex can or will taste like the dessert table at a buffet. And maybe it doesn't need to. Maybe your sex life would be better without glycerin-based artificial fruits and plastic underpants that melt into your cracks and crevices. Maybe you can just share a bowl of dick pasta with a special friend and then bump uglies the way people did in days of yore without having to get a yeast infection and vomit in your hair.
Anyway, I still have this dusty candy bra, if anyone's down.
