6 Weird Things You'd Never Believe Will Make You Horny
If you're like me, anything even remotely spherical probably turns you on. Ahh, the secret joys of "je ne sais boob." There's just something magical about a delightful glimpse of sideboob, that moment a sweater Hogan bursts free, or just seeing an elbow really quick and having to do a double-take because you thought it was boob, but then it wasn't, but you still have the memory of when you thought it was, and that's pretty good too.
But arousal isn't all spheroids and flesh tones. There's a little more to it for some people and -- wrap your head around this -- a little less sometimes as well. So come on, let's all go look at some of the craziest stuff that gets people's sex flag a-flying.
Brain Trauma
True story: A couple of weeks back, I was walking my dog through the park by my house, and some dudes in weird shorts were playing soccer. Not like an actual game of soccer, just that thing where you hang around with six other guys and a ball and pretend you had a plan for being here. So I'm walking my dog a good distance away from these fellows because my dog is an asshole and will steal their ball if I let him, when one of the guys yells, "Heads-up!" I know exactly what "heads-up" means. Everyone who wasn't raised in a North Korean work camp is pretty much familiar with this term.
Over there, they prefer "heads-off."
And so, naturally, my response was to turn toward the call and look up, because part of my brain clearly thought, "I could use a good pummeling just now." So the ball hit me square in the beak and knocked me right on my ass, and it probably looked pretty hilarious but, in point of fact, was not hilarious at all. Anyway, long story short, I got to see some stars and pretty colors for a moment, and now I can never remember the fifth digit of my phone number.
Why do I mention this? Because brain trauma can make you a horn dog, apparently. That didn't happen to me, incidentally. As I lay there a moment with my dog licking my face and some bros running over asking if I was OK, I didn't even feel the tingle of a boner, which I guess is a good thing.
Can't say the same for the dog.
I wrote in the past about a housewife who, after awakening from a coma, found herself so horned-up she needed to hop on any and every man she could find. Well, she wasn't the only one. Turns out brain trauma, particularly if it affects your frontal lobe, can have the unwanted side effect of hypersexuality.
Sometimes, a pap smear is just a pap smear.
A woman named Alissa suffered a traumatic brain injury in a car accident and became so preoccupied with sex as a result that she started working as a dominatrix and selling smutty videos. And, of course, the worst part of this is that she's getting no pleasure from it; it's merely a compulsion. She literally feels like she's going to die if she can't find someone to bone, so it's not so much compulsive pleasure-seeking as compulsive pain-avoidance, which is a different bag of dildos altogether.
Grief
If you recall the movie Wedding Crashers, you may also recall the role Will Ferrell played in the film: a sort of creepy man-child who preys on women at funerals. Funerals make chicks horny, is the paraphrased gist of his character's motivation.
It's similar to the macro message of many Will Ferrell films: "Will Ferrell makes chicks horny."
And, in a weird way, it's based on some fact. Grief and libido have a very weird connection. The British Association For Counseling & Psychotherapy posted an article on the subject detailing the way in which, after September 11th, a number of widows who lost first-responder husbands later hooked up with other firefighters and emergency services personnel, who were specifically assigned to help these families adjust to life without their husbands/fathers. Many police and firefighter forces have a program whereby a close friend acts as a surrogate when someone is lost, so that the spouse and children have someone to lean on in their time of grief.
Or in the spouse's case, lay on.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, I'm not judging anyone), this can often turn from leaning on to humping on. This kind of relationship happens in movies all the time -- Speed even makes a joke about it at the end, that relationships born from intense circumstances never last. It does at least acknowledge that these kinds of intense circumstances -- a natural disaster, a war, anything that gets you panicking and fearing for your life while heavily focused on death -- really mess with your brain. In fact, the parts of your brain that govern sexual arousal are pretty much right next to all the ones being triggered when you find yourself in a terrible situation full of panic, fear, and grief, and it's super easy to hop from one to the other.
Rabies
What do you think of when you think of rabies? Stephen King's adorable little scamp Cujo? The extremely sexy David Cronenberg movie Rabid? Just look how hot this is:
Nothing makes her clothes come off like Santa getting shot full of holes.
Not sexy? Yeah, not so much. A disease that makes you foam, bite, flip out, and die is generally not the boner jamboree you might think. Except when it is. Turns out that one of the benefits of dying horribly from rabies like a goddamn bat in the 1970s is that your brain gets all inflamed, and what better use for an inflamed brain than uncontrollable hornballing?
A 28-year-old woman in India had to go to the doctor when she found herself trying to ride anything with more than one leg that wandered across her path. What could have caused such a crazy thing? That was rhetorical, because obviously it was rabies. She'd been bitten by a puppy two months earlier and was now in full-on rabies mode, which, you'll be surprised to learn, affects humans differently than it does other animals.
Cujo had no time to make puppies, only to tear flesh.
If this sounds awesome to you -- "Hey, nature invented a hump disease, let's get it!" -- you may also want to pay attention to the part where the woman died four days later, because another side effect of rabies is death, and that's a surefire boner killer.
Breastfeeding
Many women who aren't aware of this are right freaked out by the idea that breastfeeding can be sexually arousing, because on paper, or when explained by a strange man like me, it sounds creepy as shit. You shouldn't be having sexy fun time thoughts while nurturing a baby, right? Well, too bad. Biology has it in for you. The very act of breastfeeding releases a big, sloppy cocktail of hormones into a woman's body, including oxytocin, which is your go-to good-time hormone that does all kinds of fun things, including assisting you with orgasmic twitchy feelings.
Which is why it looks like a whole bunch of excited nipples.
Rumor has it that a lot of ladies try to deny or suppress this, because you can see how it could be embarrassing or awkward to have feelings with your child present. But, hey man, life and sexy times work together in weird ways. Just think, you'd probably never have had that baby in the first place if you didn't have sexy fun times with someone. It's that circle of life thing Elton John and that baboon sang about.
Though with Simba fucking his sister and all, it's really more of a tangled thornbush of life.
Aside from potential hormone release, there's also the fact that breasts are, quite often, part of sexuality and arousal. For instance, I could play with boobs for so long. Just such a long time. If I were making a list of the most fun things I can think of, boobs is right there along with water slides, roller coasters, and drunken shenanigans. Boobs! Oh, I'm getting wistful.
What was I saying? Oh yes, sweet, supple juggalugs. It's not hard to see that, if you're relaxed and in the moment, it's going to feel good. Doesn't necessarily mean anything bad -- it's a physical response to stimuli, and you don't really have a lot of control over that.
Junk Food
You've probably heard of persistent genital arousal disorder -- we've mentioned it here and there -- but it turns out it comes in a few different flavors. Possibly even 31 flavors. (This joke is going to kill later; remember it.)
Gabi Jones, a lady from Colorado, suffered from PGAD, but hers was rooted in food. Whenever she ate junk food, she'd get all tingly in the trousers. And of all the junk foods to enjoy in this manner, ice cream was her big trigger -- do you get that "31 flavors" joke now? Because Baskin-Robbins, right? With the flavors of ice cream and how this lady boinks ice cream or whatever. Yeah. Tied that up with a neat little bow.
"Extra nuts, please."
According to Gabi, whenever she hit the old creamed ice she'd get light-headed, flushed, and feel the nimble fingers of Jack Frost working her lady igloo. How did she handle this? She apparently just buys a lot of ice cream now. Isn't that such a hacky joke? It's not mine, by the way -- my hacky jokes usually involve some kind of uncomfortable sexual dealings with the elderly. This hacky joke came right from the story I'm citing, like this woman is stricken with random orgasms and so she buys Haagen-Dazs all the time. Isn't that a knee-slapper? Or, in this case, a cooter-slapper? It seems to be.
Star Trek Sounds
This is a story even more fascinating than how young Will's life got flipped, turned upside-down by moving to Bel-Air. Back in the day when no one cared if music sounded good or even tolerable, a man named Craig Huxley invented an instrument called the blaster beam. It's an instrument in the same way a tool a mad scientist uses to remove one of your limbs is an instrument.
The blaster beam was an 18-foot-long tube of aluminum with string on it. Have a listen:
It's like your toddler mindlessly banging on pots and pans grew up and made that a career.
It was used in Star Trek: The Motion Picture to voice V'ger, the sentient robodork who grew out of the Voyager space probe and came back to say hey to some humans and Mr. Spock. Didn't say shit to the Ferengi. Why? They didn't exist yet.
Now this instrument and its awful "guy banging on an 18-foot tube of aluminum" sounds became at least marginally popular, and no doubt one Trekkie out there will take offense to me making fun of it, because Trekkies cannot take criticism of any kind. That said, ease up Trekkie, because I'm about to explain why the blaster beam is still the most awesome musical instrument ever made, despite sounding like a robot cat shitting its guts into a pile of Dr. Who DVDs.
That's right, "Dr." You ease up too, Whovians.
The blaster beam, for reasons unknown, reportedly had a curious side effect when Huxley used it to perform a concert in Central Park some years ago. According to the report from witnesses who were there, over a dozen women reported suddenly being overcome with intense sexual feelings, up to and including orgasm. The blaster beam was an orgasmatron. Science fiction is awesome!
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Hey guys, before you go crashing funerals looking for brain trauma patients infected with rabies to bone, remember that if you still can't dance then you've got no game. See why in 6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off. However, if you do get lucky, do it in style (like in a moving car!) as seen in 9 Awesome Places To Have Sex (And The Horrific Consequences). On second thought, some things are best done in the bedroom.
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