6 Movies Aimed At Kids (With Scenes That Definitely Weren't)
Rewatching your favorite childhood movies is usually delightful. They're bright, colorful, easy to follow, and there's a good chance that every ten minutes someone will burst into unstoppable song. But then one day your adult eyes kick in. Something that was completely innocent to you as a kid now looks a little ... hornier. And then you realize the horniness is there on purpose, and has a reason behind it. Sometimes cartoons have to throw adults a bone -- literally -- to keep them interested. That's how we get scenes like ...
Tinkerbell Twerking In A Keyhole In Peter Pan
Watching As A Kid:
"Tinker Bell is so cool. She can fly and pick who else gets to fly. I wish I had the power to choose who gets superpowers. I would rule my kindergarten class with an iron fist." That aside, when you see this scene as a kid, your reaction is likely, "Oh look, she got stuck in a drawer by that lamewad Wendy. Haha, she's shaking her butt. Oh look, I can see her underwear. I have never experienced such hilarity. This is truly the Golden Age of everything." It's funny at that age because butts are funny. And so is underwear, because it's often wrapped around butts. Keyholes are only funny to a special kind of kid who will one day be referred to as a set of numbers while picking up his commissary meal.
Watching As An Adult:
Tinker Bell is the most useless character in Peter Pan. She's so useless that the original actor to portray her in the play was a light bulb. Watching this movie makes me miss the light bulb. The light bulb had integrity. The light bulb had class.
Uh-oh, Tinker Bell is trapped in a lock. GOOD. Now we get a nice long shot of Tinker Bell's mystical butt as she shakes it until her skirt flips up, exposing her underwear. She's really twerking up a storm in there. The rest of the movie, which is mainly about a one-handed crocodile attack survivor's quest to kill an immortal boy, stops to show us this important action, and it looms over Tinker Bell like a mouth-breathing creep until she manages to gyrate herself to freedom. What is the point of this? How is Tinker Bell so inept that the only way she can escape a drawer is to perform the 2 p.m. show at a Tampa strip club?
Now that I realize someone had to animate that scene, I wonder how awkward it was for the Disney executive who had to decide how much cheek Tinker Bell's underwear should cover. Is there a memo from 1952 floating around the Disney offices titled "Why I Think We Can Get Away With A Thong, Walt"?
Esmeralda, The Pole-Dancing Princess In Hunchback Of Notre Dame
Watching As A Kid:
"Wow, look at all these bright, exciting colors on the screen! Shucks, it's so amazing that Quasimodo was able to sneak away from his bell tower just this once to participate in the carnival. He's such a nice guy. And there's going to be an ugly-king-of-fools contest? No one will look twice at him! Oh, here comes that smart and pretty gypsy lady, ready to entertain the audience with a neat dance. That's a beautiful red dress. I want to go to dance class too! Instead I'm stuck in soccer, and I doubt any Disney princess is gonna be showing up in cleats anytime soon."
Watching As An Adult:
Huh, this song just kind of keeps going, doesn't it? Oh right, this is the part where Esmeralda dances. Wow, her boobs look pretty cool in that dress. Well what do you know, there are only men in that audience. Everyone looks pretty excited. There she goes climbing into that creepy old man's lap. And now she's grabbing a spear ... hold on ... is she using that spear to pole dance? She's doing a bodacious striptease pole dance while the men in the audience are cheering and whistling her on!? When did Hunchback become a Motley Crue video?
It's worth mentioning that Esmeralda's little bawdy-naughty dance provokes Frollo's lust boner so bad that it threatens to end lives and writes songs. "Hellfire" is an ode to his creepy murder-man fuck desires, featuring classic Disney lyrics like "If you don't go to the bone-zone with me, you hot gypsy pole-dancing temptress, I will literally burn down the goddamn city." As Cracked editor Josh Sargent pointed out, Disney probably completely intended for Esmeralda's pole dance to mirror a striptease, as the Demi Moore film conveniently titled Striptease was released in the same year as Hunchback. Since Demi also played Esmeralda, this was possibly a wink and nod to the adult half of the audience. That's right, Disney added a scene to The Hunchback Of Notre Dame to remind people of a movie called Striptease, which is like adding a girl dancing on a bar to Beauty And The Beast to remind people that Coyote Ugly was once a thing.
Watching As A Kid:
"Ugh, Lord Farquaad is so gross. That magic mirror is pretty cool, though. I wish I could spy on my enemies whenever I wanted. I would rule the fourth grade with an iron fist. Why does Farquaad even want to stare at Fiona while he's shirtless in bed? Go color or play Game Boy or something, you uncreative dick. Also, why is the mirror so upset? He looks scared of something. Maybe he's scared of Farquaad smashing him? If I was a mirror, I'd be scared of that too. Mirrors are so beautiful, but break so easily. Oooh, that's one for the journal."
Watching As An Adult:
That dude is clearly jerking it. Everything about this scene screams hand romance. Moonlight, blowing curtains, crackling fire, bearskin rug, even Farquaad's zebra print sheets are practically singing me a Barry White song. Then he's like "Show me the princess again," and the poor magic mirror man proceeds to make the best "ick" face I've ever seen. It conveys so much in so few frames, and what it's telling us is "I'm about to see this man's penis again." Farquaad even has a big ol' flinch which sure seems to originate from his crotch. He wants to kill the ogres at the end, but this is by far the most villainous act he commits in Shrek.
Luckily, it cuts away before things get really X-rated in Farquaad's boudoir. Shrek is a movie rife with parody, but the only possible reason to show Farquaad's palm prom preparation is so that adults in the audience can meet each other's eyes and have a nice knowing chuckle about how in a world absent of internet porn, a magic mirror is the next-best thing.
The Kitty Titty Saloon In Fievel Goes West
Watching As A Kid:
"Poor Tanya McMouseperson, she's so sad. I haven't seen her so bummed out since she and Fievel were fieveling out the window at each other, singing "Somewhere Out There" in the original An American Tail. The poor mouse just wants to be a singer. Oh no, is that tough-talking lady cat gonna eat her? I know that's the natural order of things, but I don't think I'm emotionally ready for it. Oh thank goodness, that lady-cat is friendly! And she's giving Tanya a makeover to help make her dreams come true? That's so nice. If I was from the future, I would call this a truly #blessed situation."
Watching As An Adult:
So wait, in the wild west, "singer" is synonymous with "prostitute"? What in the hell is going on here, and why is there a tough-talking curvy old whore-cat with big luscious kitty titties? Hot damn, even her sentient perfume has its own sex drive!
And why am I seeing so damn much of this cat's thigh? Are they serious? Why didn't they just cut the shit and call her Miss Pussy instead? Yup, keep caking on that makeup and telling me the "real woman is behind the mask." That's pleasant. Now go show those cowboys your parachute underwear!
Watching As A Kid:
"Yuck, they were kissing. Oh god, did Mom see me watching them kissing? It's bad enough we saw two whole butts earlier, and now THIS? She totally knows I saw them kissing, and she's probably going to want to talk about my blossoming body and I don't want to be a woman yet. I just want to watch The Road To El Dorado and drink Capri Sun, Mom! Maybe if I hold my breath long enough, that silly horse will come back on screen and we can all forget about this, and I can go back to ruling puberty with an iron fist."
Watching As An Adult:
Why is Chel way less dressed than all the other women in the city? It feels like she's supposed to be wearing some kind of cultural garb, but everyone else is in sundresses. Any other woman could go to lunch at a modern Applebee's and nobody would think they were from an ancient gold-based society. Chel's outfit feels very male-gazey, although to be fair, this cartoon has more male nudity than a Chippendales calendar. Remember, I saw two whole butts.
How was this not my favorite movie as a kid? I think it may be the horniest children's movie I've ever seen. Wait a second, did Chel just give Tulio a blowjob? They're off-camera, presumably making out, but she definitely pops up from his waist. Somehow Tulio's mouth had to be free to yell, "WHOA!" So whatever they were doing, it definitely didn't involve his mouth. Also, no one pauses making out to yell "Whoa." Unless you're suddenly realizing that you're actually tongue-kissing a bear, shouting "Whoa!" is inhumanly strange.
Upon Sherlock Holmesing this scenario, I have decided that fellatio is the most plausible action being performed. Also, this movie rules. I'm going to have to text my mom and see if she remembers Chel sampling the sausage in front of my tiny baby eyes. Explain your way out of THAT one, Pam.
Slave Jasmine "Falling In Love" In Aladdin
Watching As A Kid:
"The joke's on you, Jafar! We all know Genie's magic can't make people fall in love. And he's trying to explain it to Jafar, but Jafar's just too craaaazy to listen! What a relief that Jasmine is acting fast and pretending the Genie granted the wish. She's so clever, using all those tricks in the book to fool Jafar. That'll really buy some time for Aladdin. Oh no, now Jasmine has to kiss Jafar? You've got it right, Abu and Iago. That's so gross!"
Watching As An Adult:
Well what do you know, that old man has that young woman in shackles. That's, for lack of a better term, yucky. What kind of slave is he keeping her as? Did something happen off-screen that we weren't told about? OK fine, the Genie can't grant that "fall desperately in love with me" wish due to the restrictions of his powers. I'll buy it. Jasmine is going to take one for the team and pretend she's in love with him. Wait, why is she sashaying up to him like a mandrill in heat?
You know, for a girl without a mom who has never left the palace, Jasmine has a pretty twisted view of what "love" is. Where did she learn these swaggering sexpot flirting skills? How did she know how to make a throaty sex voice like that? Do they have Cinemax in Agrabah? Jafar said "love." Now she's hanging all over him, cooing in a honey-drip voice, and making out with a creepy old dude in front of her boyfriend. Where is she getting that this is how people in love act? Taking some liberties there, Jasmine. Some big, hard, thrusting liberties.
Kind of makes me question the sort of "love" the original storyboard artist paid for. I mean, experienced.
You can fall desperately in love with Loryn and Lydia on Twitter.
Thankfully the Animaniacs will preserve your childhood innocence with--wait, they snuck in sex jokes too? Ok, what about Rugrats??
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