5 Trends in Porn Searches You'd Never Expect
They say the porn industry is worth about $97 billion per year, or 97 billion $1 Beefy Fritos Burritos from Taco Bell, if you wanna do the math. Pornhub, the biggest porn site on the internet, streams 118 GB of porn per second each and every day. They also keep detailed records of searches in order to draw powerful conclusions about our day-to-day wank trends. Among other things, they've found ...
When Games Like Fortnite Go Offline, Players Frantically Search For Game-Themed Porn
According to Pornhub stats, when the game Fortnite had a server outage on April 11th, 2018, Pornhub searches for "Fortnite" increased 60 percent across the site. If people couldn't play the game, they were damn sure going to play with themselves to the game. And that was just that one day -- Fortnite searches over the year saw an uptick of 824 percent.
So does that mean someone is out there right now cranking out Fortnite porn? Well, sort of. If you were inclined to search for this stuff -- for work purposes like I did, of course -- you'd find that there are some remarkably repetitive animated clips of Fortnite characters engaging in various coital acts, like soulless fellatio and hauntingly too-rhythmic cowgirl. However, there are also videos of real-life dudes playing real-life Fortnite while real-life women perform sex acts on them that have been uploaded to Pornhub, so you can get the one-two punch of vicarious gaming and blowies.
Of course, Fortnite isn't the only game in wankery. In 2017, Overwatch was Pornhub's 13th most-searched term. When Overwatch added the new character Brigitte in 2018, searches for that name increased on Pornhub by 6,264 percent. That was over two million searches across ten days. Porn hasn't seen a revolution like that since the invention of the pizza delivery guy.
Overwatch provides similar search results to Fortnite, and considering how popular hentai is as a search -- it was the #2 term for all of 2017 -- you have a decent idea of what these gamer fans were looking for (they wanted to see D.Va taking the D to her Va).
When People See A Movie, They Immediately Search For Its Porn Parody
It's fun to mock movie porn parodies, but they've always come with the lingering question "Do people just buy these as wacky bachelor party gifts? Or is somebody jerking off to this? If so, is their real fetish the horrible puns and improvised sketch comedy that occurs in between fuck scenes?" We can only answer part of that. Pornhub searches for "ghost" increased 178 percent within two days of the release of Ghostbusters. So yes, there are people who watch a totally nonsexual movie and immediately want to go to town on their meat with any porno that kind of looks like it.
Hey, remember when hillbilly reality TV was a big thing? Duck Dynasty, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Hillbilly Hand Fishin', and all that stuff around 2010? Redneck porn searches increased threefold around that time. Television producers recognized that the people wanted Southern accents on their screens. Porn producers realized this too, and just added dick to it
We've all likely heard of Rule 34: If you can think of a thing, there's a porn version of it. But that comes at this issue from the wrong end. Yes, someone made it, but someone made it because you were searching for it. Like Star Wars. You know there's Star Wars porn without looking for it. It's one of the biggest entertainment properties on Earth, and has been for decades. Around the release of The Force Awakens back in 2015, "Star Wars" searches on Pornhub increased 1,854 percent. They defile these characters because the invisible hand of the market demands it! And that hand is masturbating.
Every Holiday Inspires Holiday Porn Searches
You may or may not be surprised to hear that there's plenty of holiday-themed porn out in the world. And why shouldn't there be? Every TV show has holiday episodes. But the idea that people want to specifically masturbate to holiday-themed porn on that holiday is a phenomenon that science will surely never understand. Sure, you may get horny on Christmas, but do you get horny about Christmas?
Yet when St. Patty's Day comes around, searches for leprechaun porn explode. And however much that you're guessing it increases by, you're wrong, because no rational human would ever guess this number. It was nearly 10,000 percent in 2015, and just under 9,000 percent in 2017. Every year, like clockwork, people want to drink green beer and masturbate to leprechauns. And considering there are only 25 leprechaun videos on Pornhub, they get a lot of mileage on that one day.
If leprechaun porn isn't weird enough for you, let's skip ahead on the calendar to Mother's Day. The previous sentence was meant to give you a moment to wince. Mother's Day sees a 190 percent spike in searches for "mom" and "MILF." Cupid porn goes up 652 percent on Valentine's, while "Halloween sex" goes up over 3,000 percent on Halloween, because people love that spooky nookie. If you read that so the words rhyme, it sounds more clever.
Santa searches go up 447 percent on Christmas ... which includes a whole bunch of women searching for "Old Santa Claus." Hopefully they'll settle for a young dude with tattoos and a bad fake Santa beard.
The News Makes People Horny For News Porn
So, knowing what we now know, it seems certain that big news events also make people want to see a gang bang version of said events, preferably on the same day. When Meghan Markle got engaged to Prince Harry, searches for her name on Pornhub went up 2,208 percent. Does Meghan Markle appear in any porn? No, of course not. Still, the market provides. The #1 result now for her name is a video called "Leaked. Meghan Markle Nude Photos Hit the Web," and it features no nude photos at all, by the way.
On Oscar night, searches for "Oscars" on Pornhub go up 1,229 percent, and I hope all of those people were hoping to find a video of a past Oscar winner jamming that little gold statue up their own ass. I'd watch that no matter who the winner was. Incidentally, when you do search for that, the second result is Leonardo DiCaprio getting his Oscar. Not a porn version of it, just the actual clip from the awards ceremony. That's weirder than porn to me, but whatever.
Other porn searches on Oscar night include "The Shape of Water," which was up 229 percent, and "Kumail Nanjiani" which was up 94 percent. Atta boy, Kumail. The latter nets you a single result, and it's a video called "Mature Graceful Hindu Woman Padmini in Bindi Getting Kumail's Whole Cock." I watched for about five minutes, and I can't recommend it.
From February 9th to February 14th during the Winter Olympics, searches for "Winter Olympics" went up 3,445 percent. "Figure skating" went up 622 percent, because people clearly wanted to see the grace of ice dancing mixed with boobs. Also, there is a video of two mostly nude women figure skating outside in the middle of winter, proving that adult video stars work the hardest for their art.
This will follow broad cultural trends, too. For example, if you live in a place where marijuana has been legalized, you're way more likely to look up videos of girls smoking pot while having sex. You'd think legalization would make it less sexy, but the data doesn't lie.
The President Of America Is Also The President Of Porn
Of all the porn searches in all the world, none are at once as absolutely obvious and abhorrently wrong as Trump searches. It makes sense that Stormy Daniels is the most searched topic on porn site xHamster in 2018 -- she's a porn star in the news. But the world of the Trump Hump is vast, and includes so much more than just Stormy. Gird yourself, we're going in.
Aside from Stormy, those in Trump's circle see a meteoric rise when they start trending. After CNN interviewed Karen MacDougal, who also claims to have had an affair with Trump, her searches went up 1,140 percent. When news broke that Trump Jr. had an affair with Aubrey O'Day, her searches increased 11,105 percent. There's one video of her that's actually just a montage of photos, most of which are less pornographic than the camera gallery on my phone.
Things get weirder when you move closer to the core of the Trump zone. After BuzzFeed published the Steele Dossier, the world became enamored with one particular claim -- the pee tape. Sure enough, "golden shower" searches increased 289 percent. "Watersports" increased 215 percent. Donald Trump really does move the public discourse in stunning ways.
The women who are in Trump's life for less-sexual reasons still can't escape the porn search whims of the public. His wife and daughters have all seen massive spikes in their search popularity. Tiffany Trump searches increased 2,548 percent after her father clinched the nomination. The sole result that features her name is a video of a woman who only looks like Tiffany Trump if your basis of comparison is me.
When Trump won the Republican nomination, searches for "Donald Trump" on Pornhub increased 874 percent. As you may or may not be aware, there are several Trump porn parodies out there. One of the most famous ones was based around the debates, but there are others. There's also "Make America Gape Again: The Donald Trump Anal Gangbang," featuring a bunch of dudes wearing Trump masks, and "Teenpies -- Blonde Pornstar Fucked and Filled Up by Donald Trump," featuring a fake Trump in very real tighty whities. If you're less of a Trump fan but still want to see his fake dong, "Gorgeous Blonde Russian Agent Punishes Donald Trump" features a man in a rubber Trump mask literally being kicked in the balls by a woman wearing boots. She really beats on him. It's as terrifying as it sounds.
And all of it exists because lots of people wanted it. Sleep well!
You're probably gonna need some eyedrops after squeezing them shut so hard.
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