5 Things You Had No Idea God Hates
Martha Stewart has been struck by lightning three times. I say this because I was going to start this article with, "I think God is actually cooler than we give him credit for," which sounds like the intro to something where a priest raps.
You may be asking yourself, "Why did God definitely smite Martha Stewart?" We may never know. There are lots of things in the Bible we all know God frowns upon, from murdering to stealing to saying Wolverine is the best X-Man. In an effort to protect myself from the fate of Martha Stewart, I took a look at Leviticus, a biblical deep cut, the B-side of the Bible, if you will, and found some unusual things that God absolutely hates.
God Hates Owls -- Leviticus 11:13-19
Strangely, God isn't a huge fan of a lot of birds, which is weird, because it makes me think that he didn't make them on purpose. Like someone came up while he was creating everything else and said, "Hey, God. Sorry to bother you, but I'm cashing in that favor you owe me. You're ... not gonna like it." I don't blame him for not liking them, though. They have sharp feet and they scream at you from the sky.
Leviticus 11:13-19 talks about all the birds that can't be eaten. Specifically it says, "These are the birds you are to regard as unclean and not eat because they are unclean: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl ... "
He said owl SIX times. Serious question guys, are owls delicious? He either really hates them or he thinks people are going to seriously be looking for a loophole on this no-owl-eating thing. I can just picture people in biblical times sitting around a campfire asking, "Did he say desert owls? Maybe we can still eat desert owls. Wait, it's right here. He did say no desert owls. Damn it!"
It's possible that God doesn't hate owls; he really loves them and wants to keep them from being eaten. What if you got into heaven and it was just God and nine billion owls. Then God just said, "Thanks, you led a good life. You were a great Christian and everything, but I think if you stayed it would be awkward for the owls."
God Hates All Bodily Fluids -- Leviticus 15:19, 15:16, 12:2
The creator of periods sure doesn't seem to be a fan of them. Lots of people know that part, but I never hear people talking about the extreme details the Bible puts into it.
Leviticus 15:19-21 is all about how unclean periods are. Anyone who touches a woman who is on her period is "unclean" for a full day. Not only that but "everything she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: everything also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the evening."
That is some pretty serious shit. "Whoops accidentally touched a thing my wife touched while she was on her period. Better go shower for a full day." If I lived in biblical times I would run around touching everything. I would be bath-time Oprah. "YOU have to bathe all day, and YOU have to bathe all day, EVERYONE HAS TO BATHE ALL DAAAAAAAAY!" It would probably be super fun right up until they definitely stoned me to death.
God finds men's bodily secretions almost equally disgusting. Leviticus 15:16 says "When a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his whole body with water, and he will be unclean till evening." Also, according to Leviticus 12:2-4, a woman who has a baby is unclean for about a month if it's a boy and two months if it's a girl, because obviously girls are extra disgusting. It's like God created the human race but finds all the functions of making sure it continues so, so, icky.
God Hates Wizards -- Leviticus 19:31
Did you guys know that wizards are named-checked in the Bible? Wizards are canon and God hates them! In Leviticus 19:31 it says, "Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them."
I don't know what being defiled by a wizard entails but it sure as hell sounds fun. I've been thinking about it, and there are a million ways a wizard could defile me, and there just isn't a single one I'm not 100 percent down for. I know wizards like to party. I've seen the statues they sell at Spencer Gifts.
To be fair, this is a passage that seems to be translated a lot of different ways. The version of the Bible that calls out wizards specifically is the King James Bible. The English Standard Version says "Do not turn to mediums or necromancers; do not seek them out, and so make yourselves unclean by them." That's right; God is also not a fan of necromancers, which makes sense. If he's up there chilling with all of his buds at a party and suddenly one of them gets pulled back down to his gross rotting earth body to menace some people, that's pretty uncool.
So maybe I'm on board with this one. Good call, God. Wizards are shady anyway. What are they hiding under those tall hats? You know, now that I think about it, this is probably why those hardcore Christians hated Harry Potter. It has both wizards and owls.
God Hates Mold -- Leviticus 14:33-57ish
In the New International Version of the Bible it kind of seems like God is having a really bad day when he starts talking about Mold. Like one of those days where you go to work and think everyone in the office is a complete moron. They don't understand the simplest instructions, so you start laying out exactly what they should be doing, step by step, because you just know they're going to screw it up. I think that's why God gets super specific about the subject:
"The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, "When you enter the land of Canaan, which I am giving you as your possession, and I put a spreading mold in a house in that land, the owner of the house must go and tell the priest, 'I have seen something that looks like a defiling mold in my house.' The priest is to order the house to be emptied before he goes in to examine the mold, so that nothing in the house will be pronounced unclean. After this the priest is to go in and inspect the house. He is to examine the mold on the walls, and if it has greenish or reddish depressions that appear to be deeper than the surface of the wall, the priest shall go out the doorway of the house and close it up for seven days. On the seventh day the priest shall return to inspect the house. If the mold has spread on the walls, he is to order that the contaminated stones be torn out and thrown into an unclean place outside the town. He must have all the inside walls of the house scraped and the material that is scraped off dumped into an unclean place outside the town. Then they are to take other stones to replace these and take new clay and plaster the house."
You can almost hear the frustration in his voice. "No! Holy shit, why is this so hard for you to understand? It's so simple: Ok, first, the priest goes into the house. Are we clear on that part? You understand that's what's going to happen, right? Chad? Are you listening? What did I say step one was?"
I like how he specifically notes that he is giving you the house and putting the defiling mold in it. Sorry I messed up your house. I'm a scamp like that. Here's how to fix it. It is an exceedingly long and difficult process. "Why not just not mess the house up in the first place?" asked no one because they don't want to get smited. Maybe that's what happened to Martha Stewart.
God Hates Uggos -- Leviticus 21:16-21 and 3:1
In a section discussing offerings, God tells us about who can and cannot get near an altar. Which feels kind of weird to me, because I didn't actually realize God had a thing for altars in the first place. But I guess he really, really likes them because he set up some pretty specific rules about them:
"For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles."
You heard the man, nobody with weird eyes or messed-up balls can get close to God. That shit freaks him out. It's not just with humans either, in Leviticus 3:1 when he talks about animal sacrifices he says, "'If your offering is a fellowship offering, and you offer an animal from the herd, whether male or female, you are to present before the lord an animal without defect."
So according to the Bible if there is anything the least bit different about you, God is cool with it and he loves you, but also don't get close to his altar because ew. And also, ick.
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For more check out 6 Bible Stories Where The Moral Was 'Haha F*ck You, I'm God' and 6 Filthy Jokes You Won't Believe Are From the Bible.
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