5 Artemis Moments on ‘It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ That Prove She’s Immune to the Gang’s Corruption
The Paddy’s Pub Gang of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has a tendency to destroy the lives of everyone they encounter, with one glaring, glorious and intimately bleached exception.
For most recurring side characters on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the day that they first came into contact with the Gang marked the beginning of the darkest period of their lives. Father Matthew Mara stands out as the most extreme example of the Gang causing physical, emotional and spiritual decay in everyone they meet, as poor Rickety Cricket’s downward spiral from respected Catholic priest to homeless, deformed, drug-addicted, dog-kissing boy-pimp started as soon as he stepped foot in Paddy’s Pub. Between Rickety Cricket, Bill Ponderosa, Maureen Ponderosa, Ben the Soldier, The Lawyer, The Waitress, The Waiter and the entire McPoyle clan, the Gang has a habit of leaving their acquaintances in a much more defiled state than when they found those unfortunate souls.
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Then, there’s Artemis Dubois, the asshole-bleaching, hamburger-bun-incorporating Desert Grape who entered the show as an unemployed actress on the verge of homelessness and blossomed into the thriving, confident Cobb salad whom we know and love, sometimes in a dumpster behind a Wendy’s. Here are our five favorite Artemis scenes that demonstrate how the Gang can’t ruin someone’s life if she out-freaks them…
When She Pulled A ‘Coyote Ugly’ All Over Dennis’ Face
Artemis wasted no time becoming a series staple during her It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia debut in the Season One classic “Charlie Has Cancer,” shakin’ it up and down the bar of Paddy’s Pub before getting a taste of the Golden God. Though her audition to be the sexy dancing bartender of Paddy’s didn’t prove to be successful for Artemis’ employment situation, that lick left a mark on the show that 16 seasons and as many more Artemis appearances couldn’t scrub off. This moment also marked one of the rare instances when a vulnerable woman made Dennis physically uncomfortable rather than the other way around.
When She Stole Ben the Soldier Before He Stood Up
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is chock-full of lines that are simultaneously shocking and completely unsurprising, and Artemis telling Dee, “I have dated a lot of disabled men. I enjoy the power,” is one of the most fucked-up examples of that motif. In ”The Gang Wrestles for the Troops," Dee tries to dump off her date on Artemis while under the false impression that poor Ben the Soldier suffered a spinal injury in Iraq, only for Artemis to be disturbingly into injured veterans.
When She Ruined Girls’ Night With Her Butthole
This scene is, of course, most famous for the line that became the best all-time Artemis quote of, “Name’s Artemis. I have a bleached asshole,” but every second of Dee unsuccessfully trying to turn Artemis into a Sex and the City character is solid, bleached gold. A runner-up to the iconic asshole quip has to be when the “sassy one who plays by her own rules” announced, “These guys are playing hard to get. I’m gonna take off my bra, blast my nips!”
When She Shamelessly Introduced Frank to Her Parents
Most women of Artemis’ age would be embarrassed to admit that they have a carnal on-again, off-again relationship with a much older, much shorter man who both eats and lives in garbage, but not Artemis. When Frank barged in on Artemis’ family as they sat shiva for her late aunt in “Being Frank,” Artemis didn’t skip a beat making introductions — though, thankfully for her parents and her late aunt, Artemis didn’t go into interesting detail about what she and Frank would have done with the lunch spread if the rest of the family weren’t around.
When She Played Poop Detective
There’s matching The Gang’s freak, and then there’s so dramatically surpassing their freak that Frank has no choice but to admit that he shat his own sheets. Between her aforementioned nightclub action and her dissection of the defecation whodunnit, Artemis stole the show in “Who Pooped the Bed?” making it easily the all-time best Artemis episode in Always Sunny history as well as one of the best plot lines overall.
Artemis may not have gotten a single detail about the case of the mystery poop correct, but every one of her hypotheses was funnier than the last, which is really what poop is all about.
