5 Weird Investments That Are Looking Pretty Good Right Now
These days, the stock market feels like a throwback to the days of a capricious god ruling our future. Every day we have to tune in for a report on the moods of the grand and powerful figure known as Dow Jones and adjust our lives accordingly. If he disapproves of our behavior, whether it be ill-advised tariffs or not spending enough money at Christmas? He and his two sons, Standard and Poor, smite our retirements into oblivion.
Of course, the fact that our retirements are tied up in the stock market instead of being simple pensions is a heaping plate of horseshit they sugared up a while back, but that’s neither here nor there. Unfortunately, these days, the gods are displeased. It’s enough to make you wish that you’d put every penny you had into something both less traditional and entirely more fun than the dumbass stock market.
Don't Miss
Here are five investments that are looking incredibly stable at the moment…
Pokemon Cards
The market is driven by supply and demand, and there’s one thing that humans will always and forever have a demand for: collecting cool little guys. We’re a civilization that thinks it’s lucky to stuff a dirty penny in your pocket, so we obviously have a deep-seated hoarding instinct. Throw some fun lizards on the thing we’re hoarding? That’s how you get a global phenomenon.
Pocket monsters have also proven to be an unexpectedly solid investment, provided that you’re capable of keeping them in mint condition. The insane value of specific rare cards is well-documented, but what’s surprising is the increase of even comparatively modest collections. Across the board, Pokemon card values spiked 20 percent from the end of 2024 into the new year, which is an increase Tesla is probably staring at with burning hatred.
Coins
No, not the soda machine kind. Though a sack of quarters is probably a more promising retirement account than an IRA at the moment. The coins I’m talking about are the rare ones prized by collectors (and, presumably, crows, if they were able to gain access to those collectors’ windows). Rare coins have a couple things going for them. First of all, the obvious finite supply. Century-old misprinted silver dollars aren’t at risk for inflation. Secondly, they’re conveniently sized. All you need is a high-quality binder and a safe and you've got a nest egg that the news isn't going to scream is suddenly on fire.
Lastly, and biggest for me, is the fact that it’s thoroughly delightful in a sensory manner to hoard shiny coins. You get to feel like a goblin, and you can rotate them in the light and watch them glint away, dreaming of whisking yourself out of this life and to a shack in Aruba someday.
Stamps
By far, the worst part of collecting stamps is having to refer to yourself as a “philatelist.” That sounds like something you'd get kicked off DeviantArt for drawing. Nevertheless, if you want to collect rare scraps of paper that can possibly pay for your retirement someday, but you find Pikachu distasteful, stamps might be a good bet.
If I had to choose a reason that I, personally, wouldn’t want to get into the stamp game? They seem custom-built to perish in some sort of accident. An incredibly rare stamp, to me, has basically a Chekhov’s gun style relationship with getting eaten by a dog or toddler.
Wine
By far the most obnoxious to deal with storing is the collection of rare wine. It’s probably not a good investment for those not willing to lay out the big bucks, in that before you buy any actual goods, you have to sink money into the construction of a special cellar. If you do, though? You’ll be able to hold onto an investment that’s financially secure but physically hilariously fragile, in case you’re someone who still wants a taste of the terror of the stock market.
Another bonus is that if someone in your life wrongs you, you have a great place to brick them up.
Stuffing Money Under Your Mattress
A pile of cash stuffed under your mattress has significantly outperformed the S&P 500 so far this year, and that’s a fact.
