Ranking the Labors of Hercules by How Hard They Sound to Me, Personally
Famed strongman Hercules famously completed 12 labors, all of which were designed by the goddess Hera to be so difficult that he would die while pursuing them. He, of course, being strong as shit, didn’t.
Now, I’m no Hercules. Something my doctor would be happy to confirm. Still, that won’t stop me from reviewing and ranking said labors by how much I wouldn’t want to do them.
Clean the Stables of King Augeas
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King Augeas’ stable was massive, housing a full thousand cattle. Still, this is just a regular, not particularly dangerous job. Yes, it would suck, but I feel like TaskRabbits do worse stuff on the daily.
Obtain Belt of Hippolyta
The Belt of Hippolyta was a gift from Ares given to Queen Hippolyta of the Amazons. I wouldn’t want to fight her, but I’m a pretty convincing person and I feel like I could get her to give me the belt, no harm, no foul. Hell, Hercules did the same thing successfully before Hera cheated and told the Amazons he was there to kill her.
Obtain Golden Apples of Hesperides
Again, a task that could be accomplished by simple negotiation. Sure, they’re guarded by nymphs, and the intimation is that you’d have to steal them, but has anyone tried talking to the nymphs? I feel like I could get them to give me a couple golden apples.
Slay the Stymphalian Birds
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At first, this was way higher on the list, because fighting birds sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare. Then I remembered that it’s 2025, and I can bring a gun. Oh, they’re “fearsome birds” and “man-eaters”? Well, I played a significant amount of Duck Hunt as a kid, and they’re basically just slightly meaner ducks.
Capture the Golden Hind
If modern technology is allowed, give me a tranq gun and a helicopter and I could have the Hind to you within a week. The fact that the hind in question is golden actually helps me here. Terrible camouflage.
Obtain Cattle of Geryon
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Herding cattle is a regular job that humans, and some dogs, do. Yes, I’m sure these are very big and special cattle, but still. Give me 10 Border Collies and I’ll have them on a ship soon enough.
Bring Back the Mares of Diomedes
This one is supposed to be extra scary because King Diomedes had trained these mares to eat human flesh. Weird guy. Still, even if they’ve got a taste for it, they’ve still got flat, useless teeth. Basically cattle part deux, except I feel like horses are meaner and smarter, and they’ll try to kick me more.
Slay the Nemean Lion
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Hercules was stuck wrestling this fearsome beast, and if I had to go toe-to-paw with it? I wouldn’t like my chances. Which is why I’d simply snipe the Nemean Lion from 100 yards downfield.
Capture the Cretan Bull
The lion might be more dangerous, but this is way more irritating because the bull is specifically supposed to be “captured,” which means I can’t blow a hole the size of a sewer grate in its breadbox with a .50 cal rifle.
Capture Erymanthian Boar
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You might think, as I did at first, that the bull would be harder than the boar. Then I remembered how fucked up boars are. Bulls at least have some respect for the rules of combat. Boars are like bulls that don’t follow the Geneva Convention and fight you till they’re pork bolognese.
Slay Lernean Hydra
I’ll admit, I genuinely don’t think I could pull this one off. Hydras seem like something you can’t shoot with a gun, so that’s out. Even if you did, you’d need to blow off all nine heads simultaneously, as I understand it. To my great disappointment, it’s at this moment I must admit that I might not be able to successfully complete the 12 labors of Hercules.
Capture Cerberus
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No way I’m doing this. What even happens if you die in hell? Do you go to double hell? Hard no.
