12 Rad ‘90s Commercials That Were Actually Dark as Hell
We’re so confident our weed poison won’t kill you or your family, we’ll have our spokesperson literally bury his head in the sand to make the claim.
Jared Fogle on Trial
Ten years before he was on trial for some of the most horrific acts humankind is capable of, Subway put him on trial for achieving such a slim physique by binge eating processed meat.
Super Soaker Did Columbine, Nine Years Before Columbine
After getting taunted by the host of a big pool party, two dudes go home, put on trenchcoats and return with giant water guns to make the normies at the party pay.
An Ex-Royal Foreshadows Princess Di’s Death
Prince Andrew’s ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, did a magazine ad for Weight Watchers in which she claimed “IT’S HARDER THAN outrunning the paparazzi.” Later that year, her ex-sister-in-law would be tragically killed in a car crash that resulted from outrunning the paparazzi. Weight Watchers swiftly pulled the ad.
FedEx Says UPS Killed Steve Irwin
After getting bit by “the most venomous snake in the world,” Irwin assures us that he’s got an antivenom on the way. After learning they’d used “a different courier” to ship it, his eyes roll to the back of his head and he straight-up dies.
Do Not Buy the White Stuff From Rolf Harris
The U.K.’s version of Got Milk was The White Stuff, and Australia’s version of Jimmy Savile was Rolf Harris. This White Stuff ad featured an animated Harris, a bunch of kids and too many phallic objects for comfort.
Roundup Is Great for Kids and Dogs
Roundup is so safe, says a man in a suit with his head literally buried in the dirt, it can be used around your dogs and your kids, no problem! Just last week, Bayer was forced to pay out $2 million to a man who got cancer from their product, and there are a lot of similar claims making their way through the courts.
Nike Asks Lance Armstrong: ‘What Are You On?’
Armstrong kicks off the commercial making the bold and telling proclamation “This is my body and I can do whatever I want to it.” As if that’s not on-the-nose enough, he goes on to say, “Everybody wants to know what I’m on. What am I on? I’m on my bike.” The USADA says he was also on steroids, erythropoietin and transfusions of other people’s blood.
AT&T Did 9/11, Five Years Before 9/11
To show how they can “streamline business,” AT&T had a guy pole vault over the Twin Towers, accidentally pre-creating The Falling Man.
UPS Got in on the Action, Too
This commercial kicks off with a jetliner cruising alarmingling close to a building that looks alarmingly like the South Tower.
Treat Your CTE With Snickers
A football player gets absolutely creamed, and his coach, doing the barest of minimums, asks the man his name. He believes he’s Batman, and he spends the rest of the commercial chewing on a Snickers and gleefully recruiting a teammate to help him fight crime. His brain is Swiss cheese, but he seems happy.
Twix Used a Tragic Case of Cannibalism Like It Was an Improv Suggestion
They made a commercial about two hungry dudes rationing their meager supplies to survive at the site of a mountaintop plane crash, that was suspiciously reminiscent of the 1972 incident wherein a traveling rugby team survived together for over two months on a mountaintop by rationing their supplies, and eventually resorting to cannibalism. The commercial ends with one of the dudes committing a very cannibalism-able offense.
Tic Tac: Kiss Your Coworker
This one features a sleazeball, grown-up Stifler type running a clinic on forcibly kissing your coworker: turn a simple conversation into a breath mint competition, then suck on her mouth by way of comparison.
