New ‘Simpsons’ Brand Toothpaste Tastes Like the Show’s Most Hazardous Food
The Simpsons might just rival Krusty the Clown when it comes to lending their brand name to a near endless number of ridiculous products. While there’s thankfully no Simpsons home pregnancy test that “may cause birth defects,” there have been Simpsons T-shirts, action figures, mugs, albums, video games and, of course, this seemingly haunted Bart Simpson telephone:
Even more than 35 years after the show first premiered, the onslaught of Simpsons merchandising doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. In addition to the recently-released Talking Krusty Doll (make sure to set it to “good,” not “evil”), now we’re getting a new tie-in electric toothbrush, complete with Simpsons-branded toothpaste, from HiSmile.
@hismile
But they missed a golden opportunity to promote dental hygiene by including a free copy of The Big Book of British Smiles with every toothbrush purchase.
To further underscore the Simpson-y theme, the new toothpaste is “Purple Squishee” flavor, which is a little surprising considering that A) the Kwik-E-Mart and its products haven’t been a huge part of the show since Apu was understandably sidelined; and B) Squishees are basically poison.
As you may recall, in the episode “Boy-Scoutz ‘n the Hood” Bart and Milhouse spend $20 on an “all-syrup super Squishee,” causing them to hallucinate, go on an all-night bender and ultimately blackout. Sugar alone doesn’t have that kind of kick.
In addition to its unexplained mind-altering properties, one urban legend from a Simpsons comic suggested that a Squishees gave a kid brain freeze so bad that his head literally cracked open. While we don’t know the exact ingredients of Bart’s favorite beverage, when Adidas released a line of Squishee-themed apparel, they described it as a “thick, gloopy, tooth-rotting mixture of crushed ice and syrup.”
It sure seems like an odd candidate for a toothpaste. But, then again, the first time that The Simpsons released a toothpaste it was fruit punch bubble gum flavored.
HiSmile may not be too bothered about being associated with a borderline toxic fictional drink, considering that they were recently the subject of a class-action lawsuit that accused the company of “fraudulent marketing” relating to their teeth-whitening claims and clearly have bigger problems right now.
But if they really wanted to make a toothpaste that would appeal to hardcore Simpsons fans, they probably should have just released “Luda-Crest.”
