The 10 Best Burns From Chelsea Handler’s Critics’ Choice Monologue
Another awards show?
Yep, the Critics’ Choice Awards held their big event over the weekend, nearly a month after it was delayed by California wildfires. At best, a Critics’ Choice Award is the sixth or seventh most prestigious prize one can win in the entertainment industry, but that didn’t stop host Chelsea Handler from roasting the evening’s nominees. Here are the meanest burns she delivered on Saturday night…
Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively
Don't Miss
“It’s important in times like these to have a distraction, and that’s why I want to personally extend my gratitude to Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively. … I think everybody in this room, no matter whose side you’re on, we can all agree to accept that there’s probably not going to be a sequel to It Ends With Us.”
David Alan Grier
“It turns out St. Denis Medical is not a real hospital, but David Alan Grier does give one hell of a pap smear.”
Ariana Grande
“It’s so nice to see some of our most beloved child stars all grown up and thriving. Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Ariana Grande are all nominated tonight, and now Ariana has even found love with a Munchkin.”
June Squibb
“This year, we even had a 95-year-old female action star: June Squibb. How cool is that? From Ariana to June — I mean, wow, this year to succeed, you had to either survive Nickelodeon or World War II.”
Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande
“I loved the Wicked press tour, the two of them all over each other. I remember the first time I did Molly.”
Ralph Fiennes
“You've played a ruthless Nazi, evil Lord Voldemort and now a celibate Cardinal and somehow made me want to have sex with you in all three roles. … I’m begging you, please, never play Vladimir Putin. I can’t do that again.”
Nicole Kidman
“Nicole Kidman in Babygirl, face down in a carpet — I know it wasn’t a musical, but you definitely hit some notes that I’ve never heard before.”
Mikey Madison
“What a brave performance by her. That was a wild wild ride — Russians and prostitutes, who would have ever connected those dots? Certainly no one in this room.”
Janelle James
“Your (Abbott Elementary) character is so incompetent I’m surprised she hasn’t been tapped to run the real Department of Education.”
Colin Farrell
“Colin spent four hours every day transforming into the Penguin. So now we know how long it takes to make Colin Farrell unfuckable. But honestly, I’d still hit those flippers.”
