Here’s the Evil Genius Who Started Selling Bottled Water

Let’s get something out of the way before the pedants dig in their mudhooks: I understand there are places without potable public water. I grew up in D.C., where the tap water for years contained enough lead that drinking from the faucet would cost you at least a few IQ points. In those situations, sure, I get bottled water, though a filter might do you just as well. But the rest of those plastic bottles? They’re pretty hard to justify.

So who do we point our trembling finger at when the human race eventually births a child made entirely of microplastics? Europe. Though not the French, which some might assume given Evian’s monolithic status. Instead, it started all the way back in 1622 in the United Kingdom. I suppose, back then, the idea of “British water” sounded a lot better, where now I just imagine throwing back a gulp of the Thames and immediately contracting giardia and possibly polio. 

Unsurprisingly, religion was involved, and the water source in question was the Holy Well of Malvern. The water from this Holy Well was thought to be healing, and so a bottle of Malvern water was both refreshing and provided a pleasant placebo effect.

Once people realized you could practically pour money into your wallet out of your local well, the practice became more widespread. Though at this point, you still needed special water to pique any interest. Specifically, mineral water became popular, and this makes a bit more sense, given that unless something is seriously wrong with your plumbing, you can’t get carbonated water out of your sink. It wasn’t long before this led to the invention of carbonated water, which offered a cheaper alternative (fun fact: the difference between mineral water like San Pellegrino and seltzer is that the mineral water is naturally carbonated, while seltzer/club soda is carbonated after the fact).

The demand for mineral and seltzer water only increased as humans learned what drinking contaminated water could do to you. Of course, given that the same scare tactics continue to work today, we can’t make fun of their lack of knowledge as much as usual. 

For centuries, the bottled water business continued, with heavy hitters like Evian and Perrier making themselves known. However, as wasteful as it might seem, the bottling of water from specific springs and sources thought to be especially pure is at least intellectually defensible. It is, even if 90-percent horse pucky, special water.

But with the introduction of Aquafina (1994) and Dasani (1999), the industry took a new turn. Unlike spring and mineral water, Aquafina and Dasani are simply municipal water, the very same that comes out of any tap, but “purified.” This was probably the last chance we had to stand up to the water bottling industry. Unfortunately, their well-paid marketing teams somehow managed to get them lumped in with actual spring water. Funnily enough, they ended up validating the claims of at least taste made by many mineral water bottlers, since most people I know do specifically think Aquafina and Dasani are god-awful. 

So, if you must, for one reason or another, buy bottled water, at least go for the ones that come from somewhere fun. Oh, and remember: plastic recycling is a myth.