4 Types of Ancient Sports Bros
I myself am a verified sports enjoyer, if a relatively calm member of the subset. I think the idea of the “sports bro” is a little overblown, but I won’t deny that the nation’s Buffalo Wild Wings are absolutely in possession of at least one or two guys with an unhealthy interest bordering on obsession with the sport of their choice.
Sports, of course, have existed for most of humanity’s history in one form or another. After all, with consciousness comes boredom, and the natural instinct to look for something to do in any downtime not filled by hunting, gathering or starving. All of which made me wonder, did ancient sports have their own super-fans, aggressive coliseum-goers, chins streaked with mulled wine, making the game a little less fun for everyone around them?
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My gut says yes, and here’s how I like to imagine them for some of man’s oldest sports…
Wrestling
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I have plenty of wrestling fan friends, but I think even they could admit, modern wrestling fans might be one of the few that could hold a candle to ancient times in terms of poor hygiene. As for pure age, there’s not many sports that can compete with wrestling, with clear evidence of wrestling, including actual holds versus just big-boy horseplay, dating all the way back to 20,000 years ago.
It’s not hard to imagine particularly adept wrestlers gaining a fanbase, with the same adoration of rippling physique that still holds true for wrestling fans today. They even had their superstars. Take for example Milo of Croton, a wrestler who was inflated into a borderline legend with his own lore, like a modern WWE competitor. Not only were his in-ring achievements written about, but also his feats of strength and his ability to eat 40 pounds of meat and drink 8 quarts of wine in a single sitting. I mean, we’re halfway to an Andre the Giant intro here. I can perfectly imagine, if the ancients had access to screenprinting, a toga fashioned with a flexing Milo, draped over a superfan that never missed a bout.
Archery
Classic tales like William Tell and Robin Hood revolve around feats of accuracy that don’t result in death, so it’s clearly a skill that was applauded and observed going far back in time. Hell, with Robin Hood’s reputation as an underdog and hero to the downtrodden, his cheering sections probably weren’t too far off from the fans of whoever’s playing the Kansas City Chiefs each week in the NFL.
Looking for a modern stand-in, some minds might go to firearms sharpshooting competitions, but I’d like to proffer an alternative that probably has a more accurate feel: darts. Here in the U.S., it’s not much more than a dive bar time-waster, but in the U.K., darts competition is a famously rowdy, hard-drinking affair — including the darts throwers themselves. It’s not hard to imagine someone like the famously soused Jocky Wilson, as well known for falling off the stage as landing darts on target, as a folk hero in his own right if you swap the darts for short-bow ammunition.
Chariot Racing
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A pretty easy throughline here from chariot racing fans of old to NASCAR fans of today. You could be generous and lump in Formula 1, but in my mind, that would be some sort of next level chariot racing, like if they were fastened to cheetahs. The elements are all there: the laps, the combination of repetition and suspense. Versus NASCAR fans, who have to pretend they don’t want to see anyone crash, chariot racing might have been a little more honest because the drivers were completely allowed to attack and even whip other racers.
What I do sincerely hope is that there were old chariot-racer equivalents of modern gearheads. Guys who could talk your ancient ears off about the best axles and who were obsessed with shaving off every possible chip of wood to increase their chariots’ speed. We can even assume that chariot racing, like NASCAR, had a horsepower limit to keep things even. Based on the paintings I’ve seen, probably… two?
Gladiatorial Combat
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This one requires absolutely no explanation. To this day, people still love to watch two big guys beat the snot out of each other. Toss two swords and a lion into a UFC cage, and there will definitely be corporate apologies and criminal charges, but no one’s not watching. Ancient gladiators even figured out a surefire way to prevent the development of CTE: beheading.
Look me in the eye and tell me that you can’t see the Coliseum absolutely festooned in Monster Energy vinyl banners.
