‘Abbott Elementary’ Did to Charlie Kelly What Stupid Science Couldn’t
Stupid science bitches couldn’t make Charlie Kelly more smarter, but the amazing Ms. Barbara Howard is neither stupid nor anybody’s bitch.
On last night’s episode of Abbott Elementary, the highly anticipated and critically acclaimed “Volunteers,” Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Dee and Frank from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia showed up to Willard R. Abbott Elementary School to perform a full week of community service out of the goodness of their hearts and the orders of the court. After massively polluting the Schuylkill River for reasons we hope will be explained when It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia shows their side of the crossover story later this year, the Paddy’s Pub Gang “served” their community — well, a community — only to find that the real selfless service came from the talented teachers who helped dear, simple Charlie do something that he was definitely always able to do, so everyone should just stop looking at him.
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Thanks to the hard work of Ms. Howard, Melissa Schemmenti and Mr. C, Charlie was able to read an entire children’s book with almost adequate accuracy, marking a high point in the janitor’s literacy journey that even earned him a cap and gown for some strange reason:
Now, not to put a wet blanket over the endless optimism that Mr. C expressed about how he and his coworkers “successfully” brought an adult illiterate up to a kindergarten reading level, but it’s a little generous to give Charlie a passing grade on his reading test when multisyllabic words like “winter” or “summer” required multiple attempts. While Charlie’s performance in front of the class was still a massive improvement over him mistaking the word “closed” for “Coors” every day for who knows how many years, he still has a ways to go before he could even crank out a Harry Potter book in less than a decade.
Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that Charlie will continue his adult literacy education despite the massive strides he was able to make thanks to the hardworking teachers of Abbott, as I doubt the school will ever let the convicted criminals back within 100 feet again after Dee’s sexual harassment of Gregory, Frank’s compost buffet and whatever dark shit Dennis was up to behind the scenes.
Not that Charlie would even want to return to Abbott — the school’s haunted, after all.
