Nikki Glaser’s Funniest Burns From the 2025 Golden Globes
Nikki Glaser has been warning us that she wouldn’t go full-on roast mode as host of the Golden Globes, but don’t worry, her knives were plenty sharp as she carved up the entertainment industry Sunday night. Unlike last year’s show, when Jo Koy drowned in his own flop sweat, Glaser found her confidence early on, buoyed by an audience of stars eager to laugh at themselves (within reason).
Here are 10 of Glaser's smartest punchlines from her opening monologue…
Casting Call
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“I’ve gotta say this feels like I finally made it. I’m in a room full of producers at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, and this time, all of my clothes are on. So that was worth it.”
Affleck-tions
“Wicked. Queer. Nightbitch. These are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight. The Bear. The Penguin. Baby Reindeer. These are not just things found in RFK’s freezer. These are TV shows nominated tonight.”
Channel Confusion
“Oscar-winning actor Eddie Redmayne is nominated for Peacock’s The Day of the Jackal. It’s about a top-secret, elite sniper that no one can find — because he’s on Peacock. I think I’ve seen more actual peacocks in my life than shows on Peacock.”
Party On
“(Challengers) was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card. I’m upset too. The after-party isn’t going to be as good this year, but we have to move on. I know, a Stanley Tucci freak-off just doesn’t have the same ring to it. No baby oil, just lots of olive oil.
Completely Unknown Facial Hair
“Timothée Chalamet is here too. I love you. Can I just say you have the most gorgeous eyelashes — on your upper lip? You were so good in A Complete Unknown. Your singing voice was so accurate that even Bob Dylan himself admitted that it was absolutely horrible.”
Wicked Good
“I did not know much about Wicked going into this year because I had friends in high school, but I loved it so much. My boyfriend loved Wicked. My boyfriend’s boyfriend really loved Wicked.”
Nicole Kidman Makes Movies Better
“Nicole Kidman is here, nominated for Babygirl. I love that movie. I give it two fingers up. Thank you for working so hard, and thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar around the house so much that she has to leave and make 18 movies a year.”
Glenn Powell Is Everywhere
“Glenn, you were in everything: Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist. I’ll see you tonight.”
Make a Wish
“Selena Gomez is here tonight with her new fiance, Benny Blanco. And Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish. Man, lucky guy.”
Life Coach
“If you lose tonight, please just keep in mind that the point of making art is not to win an award. The point of making art is to start a tequila brand so popular that you never have to make art again.”
