The Most Perverted Species of Plants
Mother nature may be majestic, but like all mothers, there’s living proof that she likes to get nasty. Every once in a while, among the fruited plains, she’ll whip up some naughty little flora that looks and sometimes even smells like sex. Such as…
The Naked Man Orchid
Plenty of plants look vaguely genital, but none evoke the image of an actual flasher quite like the naked man orchid. If you get close enough to its flowers, you’ll see that each one looks just like a little naked dude, complete with a pendulous wang swinging threateningly between its legs. It’s technically called the Italian orchid, which feels like a stereotype, but apparently, they just grow there.
The Titty Cactus
The fukurokuryuzinboku cultivar of Myrtillocactus geometrizans is literally known as the “titty cactus” because it has great, bulging lumps growing out of it, with nipple-like spines growing out of the center, that look just like boobs. It actually translates roughly to “happy good luck dragon tree,” but it’s clear that those who cultivated it didn’t have slaying in mind.
The Cum Tree
If you’ve ever been walking down the street and suddenly got hit with the unmistakable scent of jizz, you’ve likely encountered the Pyrus calleryana, aka the ornamental pear tree and, more colloquially, the cum tree. That scent is what’s known as “volatile amines,” which the tree uses to attract pollinators like flies and girls who wear shorts with tights. Despite this, their small size and pretty flowers made them attractive to urban designers in the ‘50s, so they’re just everywhere, waiting to sexually harass your nostrils.
The Vagina Plant
The Chenopodium vulvaria is more commonly known as the stinking goosefoot, but its Latin name translates to “vulva goosefoot,” if you want to know what those who named it thought of female genitalia. To be fair, the smell that it emits, which has also been described as like rotting fish, is caused by the same chemical thought to cause the odor of vaginal infections, so they have a point. Incidentally, the plant is also hairy and bisexual, and honestly, she sounds fun.
The Giant Misshapen Penis
Speaking of brusque nomenclature, the Amorphophallus titanum, literally “giant, misshapen penis,” is ironically not particularly resemblant of a massive donger. It’s just a big stalk, really; there are plenty of plants that are more unsettlingly detailed. What does make it notable, however, was that its name made one Sir David Attenborough so uncomfortable during the filming of his Private Life of Plants series that he renamed it on the spot to titan arum (basically “big plant”), which became its official common name, as he felt its Latin name was “too scientific for the purposes of his documentary.” Uh-huh. “Scientific.”
