13 Most Outrageous Notes Colin Jost Has Received From ‘SNL’ Censors
In the movie Saturday Night, censors began their 50-year fight with the comedians producing Saturday Night Live. The film’s screenplay sets up the conflict:
JOAN CARBUNKLE (50), NBC Standards. Red lipstick, golden cross and a pillbox hat. Attacking a script with a RED PEN. “You see this? I know it looks like an ordinary red marker, but this one is special,” Carbunkle tells writer Michael O’Donoghue. “It has kept America safe for the better part of a decade. It is a weapon against vulgarity, sex, communism, and heathenism.”
Despite Carbunkle’s efforts, Saturday Night writers still manage to sneak references to golden showers and clam-diving past the oblivious scold. It’s a battle that continues to rage to this day. In his book, A Very Punchable Face, Weekend Update anchor and former SNL head writer Colin Jost shares some of the red alerts he’s received from NBC Standards. “I’ve made a point of collecting these notes over the past 10 years because they might be the single most entertaining part of our job,” he says.
In no particular order, here are 13 of the funniest notes Jost has received. Is it fair to say that in many of these cases, the censors might have had a point?
Please revise “You piece of shit,” and let’s talk over the term “cuck.”
Let’s have an alt line for “I’m teabagging your dead body.”
Lose the line: “I’m gonna sit on your dick so hard that you die.”
I’m assuming Mike, Kyle, Sudeikis, and Russell Crowe will not be in “black-face”?
Lose all “tits,” “titties” and the phrase “Jessica’s titties.” Also, have an alt for “Cowboys and Indians.”
During Future’s musical performance, please revise 8 “bitches,” 10 “fucks” and 9 “n-words.” Also, in his song “March Madness,” let’s change the 19 “fucks”; 27 “n-words” and 5 “bitch” references. Looking forward to a clean version!
Completely bleep: “Who shit in my room? Who the hell took a shit in my room.”
Delete “God lives for Puss” and let’s discuss options that are not centered on female/male genitalia.
Please revise “1-800-Pubes for Kids” which does not fall within our pre-approved range of phone numbers.
Caution on staging when Pete sucks the poison out of Dwayne Johnson’s butt and when simulating the standing “69” position. I would avoid direct “head to crotch” contact. Flirt with the presentation of them “going to town” without it being accurately depicted.
Please delete “me licky ballsalotta.”
Please ensure Madonna’s areolas aren’t visible. (This one is Jost’s personal favorite.)
In the “O.J./Grease Mash-Up Musical” — revise the last beat of the song: “He killed Ron Goldman / Like a stabby stabby slashy slashy stabbady-slashy-do / And then his ex-wife / Like a jabby jabby knifey knifey jabbady-stabby-do.”
Norm Macdonald would have been proud of that last one.
