Matt Rife Has Dubious Explanation for Evolving Jawline
It’s not the first time comedian Matt Rife has denied that a cosmetic surgeon’s knife is responsible for his impossibly chiseled chin. But in his new book, Your Mom’s Gonna Love Me (via People), Rife doubles down on a dubious explanation for a square jaw that could cut glass: A “bizarrely stunted journey through puberty.”
A burst of hormones is responsible for what appears to be a new face, at least compared to his Wild ‘N Out days? Okay, let’s hear Rife out. “Over a few months, I went from looking like a 13-year-old to looking like, you know, my actual age. Like an actual grown-ish man,” he wrote. “My face got wider, my features became more prominent, I grew a few inches taller.”
For the record, Rife was 22 by the end of Wild ‘N Out, so his “adolescent growth spurt” would have been an outlier. But at least it’s consistent with an interview with Mario Lopez for Access Hollywood last year, in which Rife claims he didn’t go through puberty until he was 23. Somebody better call Cleveland Clinic, which explains that boys go through puberty between the ages of 9 and 14, with most growth spurts occurring by age 17. Rife might qualify for his own medical study.
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Even if we believe Rife’s delayed adolescence, plastic surgeons have weighed in with their doubts on the ability of late-onset puberty to sculpt Rife’s cheekbones in such an impressive manner. One even hinted he was the doctor responsible for carving those handsome features. In his new book, Rife has words for them as well.
“Straight up — if you are an actual doctor actually going on TikTok to proclaim a guaranteed diagnosis about a dude you’ve never even met before, much less treated, how the hell do you not lose your license?” he wrote. The doctors’ speculation shows a “frightening lack of common sense. Can the medical board please just issue an official certificate telling you to get a life? Something to help these people get their priorities straight because they desperately need it.”
While the Surgeon General is working on that “get a life” certificate, Rife still has to deal with a “million-and-one internet conspiracies about all this elaborate plastic surgery I somehow had the time and money to undergo.”
Why would Rife waste all that cash? After all, “good-looking people don’t always have it easy,” he wrote about his blinding handsomeness. “If anything, as a comedian, it actually made shit harder. It turns out that pretty people are fucked-up, too. Who knew? I’m in therapy. I’ve had multiple anxiety attacks. I struggle with clinical depression, and I have complicated feelings about life, about my mom, about loneliness.”
Being cursed with good looks is just one of Rife’s beefs with the public (being considered a “crowd work comic” who can’t write actual jokes is another) that mainly exists because he’s the one who keeps bringing it up. Note to Rife’s therapist: Maybe recommend a break from continually drawing attention to his alleged beauty? We promise to stop talking about it if he will.
