14 Exoplanet Superlatives That Sound Like Passive Aggressive Celebrity Awards

14 Highest and Lowest Albedo

Cosmically, “albedo” refers to how much light a body reflects. The planet LTT 9779 b has the highest known albedo at .8 percent, while TrES-2b is the darkest known planet in the universe, mustering barely .04 percent. For reference, the Earth clocks in at .3 percent.

For our award show, I’m going to say “Albedo” is a combination of the name Al plus “libido,” meaning: the horniest least horny Als. Lowest Albedo is a toss-up between Weird Al and Al Gore. Highest Albedo honestly might be Al Roker. He’s got a real mischievous smirk.

13 Smallest Angular Distance Separation From Its Parent Star

Gotta give this one to the Please Don’t Destroy boys on SNL. They’re not shy about being nepo babies — John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are the sons of prominent SNL alumni, and they joke about it once or twice a year.

Cosmically, the planet SWIFT J1756.9−2508 b holds this record, but I cannot begin to understand what it did to earn it.

12 Lowest Metallicity

Metallicity refers to the abundance of star stuff that’s heavier than helium, and the star K2-344 has the record-setting D&D-ass characteristic of −0.95±0.02 dex.

And who’s the least metal of all living celebrities? That’s gotta be Sharon Osbourne. By metalhead law, she is the Princess of Darkness, but there’s nothing less metal than getting super into reality TV and daytime talk shows.

11 Most Dense

PSR J1719−1438 b is basically one big super-diamond, a floating mass of crystalized carbon with a density of ≥23 g cm−3. Pretty impressive stuff. But who is the densest celebrity here on Earth? The only way to find out is to put every right-wing influencer in the Colosseum and let them smugly debate each other until only one grifter remains.

10 Star With the Faintest Apparent Magnitude

MOA-bin-29L is a star that scientists can barely even see. Likewise, Timothee Chalamet certainly has star power, there’s no denying that, but he’s such a slender, slight man, it’s not always apparent where that gravitas is emanating from.

9 Longest Orbital Period

Out in the constellation Pisces, the three-star solar system Gliese 900 has an exoplanet, Gliese 900 b, that takes 1.27 million Earth-years to fully orbit its solar orgy.

You know who else has been at the center of a bevy of stars for longer than anyone thought possible? Lorne Michaels. From John Belushi making the jump to the big screen, to Jimmy Fallon doing non-alcoholic drinking games with fascists, the man has been a kingmaker for five decades.

8 Hottest (Self-Luminous)

GQ Lupi b is a hot ball of god knows what. It may have the mass of a handful of Jupiters, making it just a big planet of fire, or it may have the mass of up to 36 Jupiters, which would ramp it up to near-star status. Whatever it is, it’s a 4,310-degree hunk of radiant beauty. Does that remind you of anyone?

It should. Martha Stewart’s career has been characterized by beauty and a DIY ethos. She began modeling as a teen to help support her family, and picked it up once again to help put herself through college. Fast forward a few decades, and she astounded everyone except Snoop Dogg with self-described “thirst traps” in her late 70s and early 80s. Self-Luminous indeed.

7 Hottest Non-Degenerate Star With a Planet

In astronomy, a non-degenerate body could be a white dwarf, a neutron star or a black hole. And NSVS 14256825 is actually two stars that orbit each other at the mind-numbing rate of once every two and a half hours. One of those bad boys can be as hot as 71,540 degrees. 

Here on Earth there are vanishingly few stars that aren’t degenerates. And the hottest of them all is none other than Keanu Reeves. Oh, what’s his planet? A little blue marble called Earth, ever heard of it?

6 Youngest

This one is somewhat disputed — DH Tauri b is .7 billion years old, and generally considered the youngest exoplanet. There is a body that’s a mere .5 billion years old, Proplyd 133-353, but it’s known as a “free-floating planet” or a “sub-brown dwarf,” so by some measures, it doesn’t technically count. This absolutely nonsensical dispute very much reminds me of whatever beef is going on between Baby Gronk and The Rizzler.

5 Oldest

The universe is currently thought to be about 13.8 billion years old, and the oldest known planet, TOI-157 b, appears to have congealed after just about one billion years. Celebrity-wise, this is a tough one. Pop culture and politics are lousy with geriatrics who refuse to step aside for a younger generation. Mike Tyson is currently top of mind, so we’ll just give it to him and move on.

4 Coldest

Swirling around a distant star near the center of the Milky Way is OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb, which gets as low as -370 degrees. That’s 90 degrees away from absolute zero.

Carson Daly recently found that cold plunging is an effective way to combat his lifelong, crippling anxiety. He’s been dunking in 40-degree water, twice a day, for about a year, making him a clear winner for Coldest Celebrity.

3 Largest Orbit Around a Single Star

The planet COCONUTS-2b has an orbit of 7,506 Astronomical Units — that works out to 697,726,289,391 miles — around its star in the constellation Chamaeleon. In our awards show, this title goes to the uncoupled celebrity who has the most suitors circling around them. When Taylor Swift has a boyfriend, Pete Davidson is the clear winner.

2 Most Eccentric Orbit

The planet SGR 1935+2154 b takes anywhere from 238 to 398 days to orbit the star SGR 1935+2154. Here on Earth, Taylor Swift takes this title decisively, having dated everyone from professional athletes, to actors, to singer-songwriters, to overtly racist singer-songwriters.

1 Largest Orbit Around Three Stars

This is a big double-winner. You will, of course, recognize Gliese 900 b as the winner of the Longest Orbital Period. Well, it also claims the Largest Orbit Around Three Stars, at 12,000 Astronomical Units. 

I think it’s clear which trio wins Largest Orbit Around Three Stars: It’s the Costco Guys and the Rizzler by a mile.