14 of the Largest Human and Animal Body Parts Ever Recorded
Imagine how embarrassing it must be for the blue whale to cart around the biggest penis, heart and tongue on the planet, but get beat out by a lesser whale for the biggest beanbag.
The Largest Penis
Let’s get right to the good stuff. The largest blue whale penis ever recorded was 10 feet long, with a diameter of 14 inches.
Other Records Held by the Blue Whale
These guys have record-breaking two-ton tongues, 1,300-pound hearts and nine-inch aortas.
The Most Well-Hung
In proportion to its body size, the barnacle has the longest dangler. They’re not very mobile creatures, so they’re evolutionarily rewarded for having long, dexterous penises that can flop all over the neighborhood and inseminate every mate they can reach. The longest ever found were about eight times longer than their actual bodies.
The Largest Weiner Bone
The noble walrus is hiding a third tusk where the sun don’t shine. The longest walrus baculum was 22 inches.
The Largest Testicles
The blue whale doesn’t have the nards to match its staff. A north Pacific right whale holds the record for biggest clankers, weighing in at 1,157 pounds.
The Longest Tentacles
Less sexy, but still impressive. One Arctic lion’s mane jellyfish was found washed up on the shore of Massachusetts Bay in 1870, and with its bell and tentacles combined, was over 127 feet long, making it the longest known animal in history.
Another Contender for Longest Animal
The slimy, toxic, all-around hideous bootleg worm is long as hell, with one being measured at 180 feet. But they’re like big disgusting rubber bands, so there’s some speculation that this guy was purposely stretched out a little.
The Longest Neck
Giraffes, unsurprisingly, have the longest necks around, at around six feet long. The tallest recorded giraffe was 18 feet, 8 inches tall.
The Longest Neck Ever
There were a few dinosaurs, like plesiosaurs and sauropods, that had giraffes beat. One Mamenchisaurus sinocanadorum was found with a 49.5-foot-long neck.
The Longest Tongue on a Human
California man Nick Stoeberl unfurled his 3.98-inch tongue to take the record for longest known tongue in history.
The Longest Beard
Norwegian Hans Langseth died in 1927, at which time his beard was measured at 17.5 feet long.
The Longest Ear Hair
Indian man Victor Anthony nurtured a single ear hair to a length of 7.12 inches.
The Most Nuts Nuts on a Human
The largest recorded set of stones weighed in at 132 pounds. It was a medical condition that required surgery. It sucked.
The Longest Dongus on a Human
And we’re back where it all began: a prize pecker. Fifty-six-year-old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, known as “El Centauro,” clocked in at just under 19 inches long and 1.98 pounds of hog. There’s some debate about whether it should count, because he’s been literally weight training his foreskin since he was a teen. He also got deported after allegedly exposing himself, like, a bunch of times.
