Amazon Seemed to Use the Election to Overshadow All the Terrible Reviews of Its New Christmas Movie Starring The Rock
As you’ve probably noticed, the big news that everyone’s talking about today has absolutely nothing to do with a dumb action movie starring Santa Claus and the guy from The Scorpion King.
We’ve talked before about Red One, the upcoming blockbuster wannabe that looks like it was created with A.I. based on the prompt “What if a Hallmark Christmas movie and a Marvel sequel fucked?” It stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans as two dudes who have to rescue a disconcertingly jacked Santa Claus (played by J.K. Simmons), who has been kidnapped, in order to save Christmas or some such nonsense.
Don't Miss
Honestly, it looks like it just might be the worst thing to happen to Christmas since that one Paul McCartney song everybody hates.
Well, the reviews for Red One are out, but few noticed because Amazon-MGM’s embargo imposed on critics lifted last night, at the exact moment most of the world’s attention was occupied by another, far more serious impending disaster. So outlets were allowed to publish their reviews, but hardly anybody noticed or cared for obvious reasons.
Some were downright irritated that reviews for a lighthearted holiday caper were suddenly popping up on social media timelines amid a tidal wave of bleak election results.
While Red One may effectively serve as adequate colorful garbage to distract kids while adults desperately try to keep their shit together, the reviews that have appeared online so far sure haven’t been great. Right now it has a 40 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t Madame Web-tier bad, but it also isn’t good, especially for a movie that reportedly cost a whopping $250 million to produce.
The Hollywood Reporter called it “a high-concept, CG-saturated bore that lacks heart and infectious humor.” Variety noted that it was “overstuffed with cheesy digital effects.” Meanwhile, The Guardian’s one-star review labeled it “profoundly depressing and blandly sentimental.”
Again none of this matters at all right now, but frankly raging at a corporate juggernaut’s holiday slop just feels good. So fuck you, Red One!
A number of people took note of the conspicuous timing last night and went so far as to suggest that Amazon purposefully scheduled the embargo for election night in order to obfuscate the bad reviews with the overwhelming election coverage. Which doesn’t seem so far-fetched, actually. Why else schedule the embargo for election day?
Seeing as Red One sounds like it’s going to be a steaming pile of peppermint-scented dog shit, perhaps you might consider spending your money elsewhere when it hits theaters later this week. Like, instead of buying tickets for you and your family, you could donate the equivalent amount to the ACLU, or The Trevor Project, a nonprofit suicide prevention organization that supports LGBTQ+ youth, or the Immigrant Defense Project, or the Center for Reproductive Rights.
