5 Leaders Who Lied by Technically Telling the Truth
You should aim to keep your word. There is a big difference, however, between keeping your word and following the promise’s exact words. The first means you’re dependable and honest, while the second may mean you’re an evil genie, who responds to requests for riches by dropping so much gold on someone that they die.
Kings of old loved the second option. They probably also did a bunch of stuff related to tax rates and horse parking permits, but we really remember those times they kept the exact words of their promises. Historians love stories of trolling.
‘I Will Not Put You in Irons’
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Richard the Lionheart’s queen was Berengaria of Navarre, who’s remembered for never actually setting foot in England and for barely meeting Richard at all. She came from Spain and married him in Cyprus, and her journey to Cyprus came with a bit of a hiccup. She got herself shipwrecked and then captured by Cyprus’ emperor, Isaac Komnenos. Richard conquered Cyprus in revenge.
Now, Komnenos feared that he was going to be the one held captive. He requested that Richard not put him in irons. Richard agreed. He did still put Isaac in chains, but he made sure they were chains made of silver, not iron.
Of course, the material didn’t matter, and nor did presence of literal chains, since the real point was Richard was taking the rival leader into captivity, despite his assurances. But then, later on, Richard himself got shipwrecked and became prisoner to Leopold of Austria, who freed Komnenos. And so, the circle of karma and people locking each other up went on.
‘If I Lose, I’ll Come Back in a Coffin’
Warlords must project confidence. Consider Zhang Zongchang, who ruled Shandong in China in the 1920s. He had the nickname “Three Things Not Known” because no one knew how much money he had, how many soldiers he had or how many combines he had. What they did know, or at least what they heard, was that he had an enormous penis. This led to two other nicknames of his — “72-Cannon Chang” (because his penis was as big as a cannon) and General 86 (because his penis was like a stack of 86 Mexican silver dollars).
via Wiki Commons
Zhang would transport his troops by rail prior to entering battle, and he affixed a coffin to the roof of his own private car. He announced that if his men should ever lose, they should bring him back home in that coffin. These trains didn’t exactly travel at breakneck speeds, so Zhang would sometimes safely ride on the roof, in the coffin itself, while puffing a cigar to impress onlookers.
His men eventually did lose a battle. The first loss after he’d made that promise, Zhang didn’t die in combat, and he didn’t take his own life. He instead had some of his men parade him through town, with him sitting upright in that coffin, still very much alive. This was a big hit with the crowds, apparently, because you don’t stop supporting the troops just because they lose.
‘If You Surrender, There Will Be No Bloodshed’
The Mongol emir Timur spent the second half of the 14th century doing a whole lot of conquering. Then came the year 1400, and as he approached Anatolia, the people there knew they didn’t stand much of a chance. The local army, 36,000-strong, assembled but agreed to yield to Timur, so long as he promised their blood wouldn’t be shed. Timur agreed.
And so, Timur now merely had all these men tied up, “trussed up in such a way that their heads were between their thighs.” Then he had them all dumped in a pit and buried them alive. Technically, he hadn’t shed any of their blood, right?
This is perhaps where you start to question how many of these stories really happened and how many are just legends. That’s a valid question to ask when reading these tales, but you need to know that burying 36,000 people alive isn’t an implausible thing to happen historically.
These old-time conquerors killed a whole lot of people, in brutal ways. In fact, Timur’s armies killed an estimated 17 million, which was five percent of the world’s population. The burial story isn’t even the most evil thing he did during the Anatolia attack (that would be trampling the children holding Qurans); it was just the most trollish.
‘You Can Choose the Manner in Which You Will Die’
People can get in a lot of trouble for insulting leaders. Jesters are supposed to be an exception to this. The jester was allowed to mock the king to his face, providing an essential service. The 16th-century French king Francis I, for an example, had a jester named Triboulet, who was sentenced to death after one day slapping the king’s ass.
No, the slap wasn’t a capital offense. It appeared to anger the king, but everyone in the court laughed, and there seemed very little chance that Francis would follow through on any of his threats to wreak vengeance on the jester. But then, when apologizing, Triboulet dug himself much deeper. “I’m so sorry, your majesty, that I didn’t recognize you!” he said. “I mistook you for the queen!”
The joke here was that the king looked like a woman, and the king is fair game for a jester’s insults. But you might instead interpret that as a joke as the expense of the queen, who already has the misfortune of having the name Claude. The queen was off-limits, and for this offense, the king sentenced Triboulet to death.
Francis said the jester would be allowed to choose the exact manner of his death, which was some mercy. Poisoning, for example, or a swift axe chop would be less painful deaths than slow torture. “Good sire,” said Triboulet, “I ask to die from old age.”
The king really did grant this request, dismissing the jester from his position but letting him live. Triboulet went on to die at the age of 57, which is quite an old age for any comedian to reach, even today.
‘Take With You Whatever You Can Carry’
Hey, we never said obeying the letter of your promise rather than the spirit always ends poorly for everyone. Sometimes, it means a happy ending.
For another example of this, look to the 1140 Siege of Weinsberg. Conrad III, of the Holy Roman Empire, was frustrated with Welf of Altorf, possibly because of his ridiculous name. He decided to stick it to him by attacking the town of Weinsberg, in what’s today Germany. In advance of his invasion, he sent word that he was permitting the women to flee and to take with them whatever they could carry on their shoulders.
Several of the town’s wives now did leave, carrying on their shoulders not any household goods but their husbands.
We imagine not every man in the town could have escaped through this very slow method of evacuation. But the gesture convinced Conrad to spare everyone’s lives and to relinquish the city back to its citizens.
Weinsberg was saved, and Germany never knew war again.
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