Jimmy Fallon Is Already Ruining Christmas

Jimmy Fallon is more brand than human at this point. The Tonight Show host has dedicated a staggering amount of airtime in the past two months to promoting his various Halloween side-hustles, including a new children’s book and a haunted maze attraction set inside the recesses of his own twisted subconscious.

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If you assumed that October 31st would finally mark the end of Fallon’s holiday-themed marketing bonanza, you couldn’t be more wrong. Mere hours after the Tonightmares haunters have hung up their costumes for the year, Fallon will be dropping “Holiday Seasoning,” a new Christmas album featuring special musical guests such as Dolly Parton, Justin Timberlake and the Jonas Brothers. It’s set to be released on November 1st, in what can only be considered an act of war against Mariah Carey.

Several of the album's tracks have already appeared on Tonight Show episodes, such as last year’s “Wrap Me Up” featuring Meghan Trainor, and it does seem like the perfect Christmas song for testing customer service workers’ sanity, or accompanying a December dental checkup.  

It will also feature 2021’s “It Was a… (Masked Christmas)” featuring Megan Thee Stallion and Ariana Grande. Melodically, it’s far less grating than “Wrap Me Up,” but does anybody want to spend their holiday listening to a song that’s all about celebrating Christmas during the pandemic? 

While unleashing more cloying holiday recordings into the world is certainly nothing new for celebrities (we’re looking at you, William Shatner), Fallon’s yuletide grift extends far beyond a simple album. The comedian has a new website dedicated to hawking overpriced Christmasy garbage. Of course he will be selling his album, available as a $50 vinyl record, and an $85 “deluxe” version featuring a pop-up insert, Fallon’s autograph and the nagging feeling that you should have spent your money on literally anything else. 

But the website also has a ton of bafflingly expensive Christmas merch for sale, such as the “Holiday Seasoning” crew neck sweater, complete with Fallon’s giant face plastered on the front. It’s yours for the low, low price of $127. 

There’s also a Fallon Christmas stocking for $50, wrapping paper for $34 a roll and an oven mitt, adorned with multiple Fallon faces, for $38. At a certain point you have to wonder if suffering third-degree burns is the better option here.

Most egregious, however, is the $56 jigsaw puzzle. This isn’t some massive puzzle that will take you weeks to solve, it’s a measly 252 pieces. And when you’re done, all that you’re left with is a photo of Jimmy Fallon gleefully shoving a cassette tape into Christmas cake or some shit.

At least with his Halloween merch, Fallon and NBC didn’t seem to be actively gouging their own devoted fans. Maybe we should just be thankful that Fallon’s not trying to sell us all Christmas ape NFTs.

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